Hi All,
While I'm not new to this forum I haven't posted often. I truely
appreciate all the emotion and caring I read here. The reason I
haven't posted too much is I am still in a state of shock over the
Nmom realization. My sister and brother took turns being the "golden children" (still do) and guess where that left me. Devalued is tough but I do believe it gives us an independence and perspective the
others don't get.
Dealing with nmom has been disturbing, upsetting and a big challenge
to my self esteem. I would like to present a recent situation for
the forum's consideration. Let me prefece this with I do love my
brother and have encouraged him to get counseling for YEARS, as has
my sister.
Nine pm last Sunday night my sister calls to ask me how to have my
nbrother committed to the mental helath hospital for evaluation (I'm
a psych nurse). His wife is a dear person but as can be typical of
abused spouses who won't stand up to him.
Seems he had sent a threatening email to the city clerk then raged at
nmom for an hour on Mother's day. He's a peach! :(
She calls my sister (she doesn't want to talk to me about it cause I
"lecture her" about nbrother and his instability-and I suspect it
galls her to know I'm right). Sister calls me and we're both in a
panic-what if he goes postal? We both have problems with emotional
regulation and were upset so start to look into legal process-sis
talks to the sheriff, I talk to nbrother's psychiatrist-turns out-he
is not #1 his psychiatrist or #2 not even his doctor like nmom had
told me. He wondered why nbrother's wife or mother isn't calling
when all I had was hear-say. This was a VERY important point, way to
go doctor!
I explained that my mother says she could never committ her son. She
is afraid she would lose him for good if she did (fear of rejection
perhaps...). On some level, she must know how tenuous she is in our
lives....
Meanwhile she is groovin' on the flurry of activity-calling and
emailing us wondering what WE are doing about this. Last evening
called and wanted to settle in and "discuss" after I had had an
extremely emotional and stressful day working and trying to deal with
a potentially life threatening situation. I told her that unless she
had something new or to add, I was tired and couldn't talk about it
any more. She pouted. Too bad, I thought.
It took me until late this morning to realize that she is the
conductor and sister and I were dancing as fast as we could to take
care of this problem for her. It's an old pattern-must take care of
mom, must not upset mom-survival skills at their finest! However,
skills no longer serving our needs.
I realized WE HAD NO PROOF of what my brother said to her, she could
be exagerating to "stir the pot'', she does love attention from us.
There was police involvement, they are aware of the threat to the
city and decided not to arrest him. Why are sis and I in a panic
and putting ourselves at risk by getting in the middle of a situation
that we are not responsible for, have no first hand knowledge of,
have tried to help for years with out any support from nmom ( who
enables him so she won't be alone)?
We have been telling nbrother and nmom for years he needs intervention.
WE are not the ones being abused by him.
Why are WE cleaning up someone else's mess?
Nmom and wife are just not uncomfortable enough yet to insist he get
help.
Nmom and wife are the ones who have to learn to take care of
themselves, sis and I have and continue to face OUR OWN demons. This
is not our lesson, it is theirs.
If we had him committed, we would be forced to testify in a court of
law-he may win-
which would put us at risk while also providing nmom all the drama
she could dream of for years if not the rest of her life.
Henceforth instead of taking on nmom's problems, I will deflect and
query what she plans on doing about (insert current crisis here)? I
hope this is progress or am I missing something?
Sorry this is so long-tried to condence but that's as good as it
gets. It's ALWAYS a long story when it comes to nmom.
Please forgive spelling-it's not my strong suit!
thanks all and I look forward to your replies. I'm sure I still have
much to learn but after this, I am seeing a clearer path.
1. Setting limits
2. Don't accept anyone else's drama (Boundaries, Girls, Boundaries Now!)
isadore
______________________________________________________ |
First 
Return to N Relatives