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This community - it is safe to dump and let it out in a safe way- I often come here just to read and know I am not alone.
****
It's been 9 months since my brother's death and my N mother finally sent a note worthy of a responds besides her vicious and ugliness and anything she could think of to hate in regards to me and my husband/family. I know she is 78 and she will not be alive much longer.
I went to see her and spent one hour with her. I love her; but her own envy, rage and vicious bag of emotional blackmail has forever put a wall of armor around me. She told me she lives to see my daughter's child that is due in August in Scotland. This whole hour was spent by me explaining to her what love is & what it is not and the damage that has occurred. Hours later, I wept because never in all the 9 months have any of the 8 asked how I was...was I alright? It was all about greed and power struggles. I am not Moses but I do know right from wrong and what love is and is not in life.
Deep breath- I am faced with 8 betrayals of love from this family I grew up in. I am amazed how aware I have become at the self denial and the hurt bad 'love' can do to another. I will never, ever trust ME or MINE with any of them. My own kindness and empathy and compassion has put trust in their words over and over in life. I do not trust or have faith that any of them know what real love is.
Sometimes, it is loving them and loving yourself enough to walk quietly away. I pray my children understand is all. This will affect generations yet to be. And you know, maybe it's a good thing.
I feel like I have been beaten up by her and them inside. Divorce is ONE betrayal. What I am dealing with is the emotional detachment from 8 and their families. My siblings were taught so well. Like a cult - Protect 'the family' even if it meant destroying a member and my brother -to keep the whole.
My counselor (I only go to for my family bs) stated very seldom does ONE person in such traumatic dysfunctional families ever break away from it. Love betrayed-it's very hard.
one step/day at a time
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| | From:  beanface | Sent: 29/05/2008 5:53 p.m. |
Dear Cheetah,
I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand that families can hurt you so much. The power of denial is amazing, isn't it?
I hope you continue to love yourself and your family enough to stay away. Sometimes the kids understand, sometimes they don't. Sometimes my daughter says I am too hard on my nmom. It hurts but I con't to do the best I can for us.
Keep on growing and loving. Bless you. Know there are many that understand what you are going through.
Beans |
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Hello,
I am Akosha, and thank you for sharing your storie. First, let me congratulate you on the birth of new to be grandchild. I am sure that both yourself and your daughter are very excited!
I commend you for trying to express your lifelong feelings to your mother. Unfortunately for many, these ppl openly live in a state of denial and refusal to accept responsability for wrong doings. Know that privately though, the accept, regret, and truly beat up on themselves. The point is that no one ever kbows! This protects the child-like ego. Best thing to do is to love from a distance. |
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Hi morning cheetah,
I can relate. I too have been betrayed by my whole family, whom chooses to side with my Nfather, not believing the deep scares from all the abuse I suffered(physical, emotional, sexual and religious).
I feel like an outcast being the only one choosing not to live in what I call the 'denial bubble".
Sometimes the pain is so overwehlming, I have fits of rage, fear and a bucket load of tears. Not only from the abuse I suffered that was never expressed, but from the alienation I feel even though I choose no contact.
I am deemed the crazy one. I have even been called demon possessed by my father, who is a minister to cover for his illness.
But once you step out, and you know the amount of courage and awareness it takes to 'pop the bubble'. It does seem to get easier, and I am slowly healing and going through the emotions I need to, and getting support where I can.
I am saying "I choose me...I choose truth, I choose a new life with fresh beginnings. I am OK and I am doing this as love for myself. I can't control them, or make them' see the truth'. As I friend of mine put it. "You can't buy bread at a hardware store", meaning you cannot ask for something from someone, when they simply don't have it.
You are not alone. I imagine their are more of us than we know.
Take care and <<<hugs to you>>>
Mary |
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Dear Morning Cheetah Thanks for your post. I am sorry so for your pain and loss. I commend your courage in wanting real love in your life, protecting your children from any harm (which you know all too well) and being so brave during your life and since your brother passed away. See you are not affecting your future generations, you are actually allowing them to all have a new start and not be consumed by generational trauma and dysfunction. This is the best gift (I believe) you could give your family. My therapist stated the same thing, that I am the sole survivor out of my family's dysfunction. That also includes my extended family. Your story is not unlike mine in terms of "protecting the family". My sister died as a result of it all 5 years ago and I see myself now as lucky to have gotten out when I did. Sadly it could also had been me as well. My family would have also been seen as being the victims and not actually the cause. I have been non -contact for 6mths now with my family and for the most part it has meant that I am excommunicted by the rest of the family as well. I understand your pain as i too found it easier to deal with the loss of my immediate family as I was used to all that already. Realising that no one else cared either (and still protected the dysfunctional family system) was the most difficult grieving periods that I went through. Even friends of the family don't actually want that much to do with me because of 'what I have done' or as I put it 'escaped from'. Seperation is therfore unusual and your right! it rarely achieved in a dysfunctional family system. We are truly sole survivors. Oddly enough it was my grandfather that said to me one day that 'the branches in a family cannot be any good if the trunk is rotten". See in a way you are growing your own trunk. Interesting analogy coming from a direct family member but true. Good luck on your journey. Take care Adeline |
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