Hi Kyra,

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with N siblings but I was drawn to this board because of my daughters.  I have 3 with xn, the 2 older ones I rarely see.  Last night my oldest came to stay, she's 16, and expressed a lot of frustration about her 13 year old sister.  Now I know they're teenagers and all but I sit back and watch the gong show that goes on in my xn's household and I worry that my 13 year old is potentially an N also.  The older of the two is so frustrated with all the wild behavior daily and she manipulates her Dad to get her arse out of hot water using theatrics, and you're mean and you don't like me, on and on.  She punched her sister and dumped a glass of juice on her yesterday.  She is displaying all kinds of inappropriate behavior.  I'm worried.

I don't mean to steal your thread but it was helpful to me. 

In your situation, that's a tough one.  From what I remember, you are very close to your mum, very protective.  I totally get that.  So, I'm guessing saving some money and getting out without your Mum is not an option nor is it an option for both of you to leave, and well, why should you, right.

Is it an option to get her out?   Can you two stand strong against her?

I was thinking, geez, need to set that girl up on a blind date, get her married off so she leaves you alone. 

If the solution is not moving then you're going to have to find a way to cope.  I feel sorry for you and your mom to have to endure that and sorry I don't have any experience in that.  Similar but different.  I think I need to learn all I can though about it as it may be coming down the pipe for my daughter.

The difference is, I won't tolerate it, that's why I don't see her I guess.  Keep posting and let me know how you make out.

 

Hey Scoobs, sorry, just got your post. Thanks for replying. Post back okay? Want to know how you are doing.

 

I think it's so hard with kids and N's. I know you are a mum, but I can only come in from an daughter's perspective, but maybe that (hopefully) shed a bit of light on your kids behaviour. I can't understand it completely, because to me, N father's behaviour to me was so out of the ordinary, odd and abusive, and I will never understand it. I don't plan on doing it either. Trying to figure out a disordered person will only make my head spin. The way he treated my sister and I were extreme polar opposites. This was even before we met my lovely mum (she adopted us, I was five and my sister was four) I was always from a young age, very outspoken and intelligent. The family hated it and held me at arms length. My sister, however was quiet and 'followed the herd' She believed everything everyone said, so to N and family, she was ' moldable.' When mum and N were together, and the abuse began, when there was an arguement, N would always have C on his side and I would be on mum's. He refused point blank to let mum parent C- always ordering her to come to him with problems- NOT mum. Over the years, he groomed her behaviour, encouraging abuse and undermining mum at every turn. I wonder if you see any similarities here?

 

So now, at age twenty two, she either has massive N traits, or she is full blown. Grandiosity, gaslighting, baiting, abusive- you name it, it's there. It's eerie to hear her- sometimes it's EXACT words that N used on us. It's so hard, but we are walking on egg shells all over. But anyway, maybe if N had alot of influence on her, and as they like to use their 'objects' as weapons (poisoning against you) he may be encouraging this bad behaviour, just to get at you while she is with you. I wouldn't put it past him. But also what it might be is that she is acting out- she may have a big angry- but not know how to process it or where to direct it. You said before they refused counselling? Again, I do have a feeling N has something to do with that too. N tried to stop me from going to counselling, and my sis too. He would say that we don't have real problems, to get over it and move on. I'm really sorry- this isn't sounding good.

 

But know- he did all this damage, not you. Your kids are getting older- that's a real BIG disadvantage to the N, it means they will start to see him for what he is, and as young adults do, question his motives, his rulings, etc, until it's too much for him and he starts to view them as a threat. Your kids will see, there's no doubt. It's just up to you to open your arms to them. After that it's just about damage control.

 

Anyway, I really do hoped this helped, don't be scared- it won't always be an uphill struggle.

 

Let me know how you go on, okay?

Talk soon, Lots of Love and big, big hugs to you, Love Kyra xxxxxxxx