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| | From:  MichMom7 (Original Message) | Sent: 7/07/2008 3:32 p.m. |
I'm new to this message board and am so grateful that I found this group because sometimes I just feel so alone. I don't know who I can talk to or who will understand what I'm going through.
I am a 42 year old woman who has been dealing with an incredibly emotionally abusive N Dad since I can remember. A therapist I was seeing a few years ago said that in his 30 years of practice, my parents were some of the worst he's ever counseled about. Mom has always been the "victim" and she spends anytime we have together complaining about her life and Dad. She constantly re-vists the past and has to "remind" me of what Dad did to me.
I live 500 miles away from my parents and visit them once a year, most recently last week. It's always the same routine--it always starts out well and I bite my tongue, but by the end of the week, Dad is spouting verbal assaults and it ends up me driving away crying. Dad has always said incredibly hurtful things to me throughout my life, but this time he said "Nobody could love an animal like you". He told me that I was bad mother to HIS grandchildren. My children are the most important thing to me and he deliberately set to attack me.
When I drove out of town, I vowed that this would be my last visit. However, I know my mom is going to guilt me into coming back because she wants to see her grandchildren. Do I have an obligation to return? My husband doesn't understand because he grew up in a "normal" family and thinks that I shouldn't keep my kids away from their grandparents. My greatest fear is that Dad will verbally attack me in front my of my children.
Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. |
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Your only obligation is to your own children and family - keeping them away from an abuser is the right thing to do
Mom has made her choice and she will have to accept the consequences of those choices .
Screw the guilt - Your dad will eventually attack your kids
never doubt that
Normal parents deserve time with grandchildren abusers
and enablers forfeit those rights |
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Alamo is right- you are only obligated to YOURSELF and your kids- your own welfares are more important. It is hard when it's N's in families- but your mum is enabling his behaviour- and it's wrong for her to guilt you in a situation where she CLEARLY sees you suffering, yet does nothing. If you don't want to deal with him, you don't have to hon. They make you feel 'obligated' but it's not worth your emotional distress and potential for your kids to pick up on his abberant behaviour to be in this. Just go NC- it's worth it, no matter who they are, family or no, they are ALL toxic to us normal human beings. Lots of Love, Kyra xxxxxxxxxx  |
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I am sorry to hear that your going through this. I have a crazy family where my father and mother subjugated me to all types of abuse. I went NC for 4 years, and then tried again, but now the next layer of my abuse is asking to be healed and my Ndad is playing his sick antics again...saying I am crazy and demon possessed because I haven't turned my life over to God (he's a minister btw...lol...)
So now again I have to do NC( so far 5 months)...for me...my whole family doesn't understand so there is no contact with any of them...as they think I should be 'over it' by now...
At times I feel orphaned and very sad, it is a grieving process...some days are worse than others. I have to let go of the fact that it will never change, this situation and it is UNHEALTHY to remain in contact with such toxicity.
I have alot of anger, sadness and pain to sort through and I am getting help where I can.
So even though I don't have kids and a husband from a normal family, I advise to go NC. Perhaps have a therapist support and explain why this relationship must end when you explain this to your husband. Don't expect any understanding from your parents on why you have to make this choice. They won't understand. They are living in denial.
" You can't buy bread at a hardware store". They can't give you what they don't have.
Get the help and support you need and know that by protecting your family from such toxicity and finding skills to cope is the way to go...and be gentle with yourself...you've been hurt.
I hope this helps...I know it isn't easy, but it is for the best.
Good-luck,
Mary
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Your obligation to your parents is nil. Now, you have your own family, and it is your job to protect your family. Your mother made her bed, and she is content to lie in it. As your therapist has pointed out to you, she happily plays her own role in this abusive relationship. The most important thing is for you to protect your children from that sickness, and ensure that you maintain healthy relationships in your own life, so your children can learn what love really is. Of course Grandma wants to see her grandchildren. I always told xn about our children that "I know that you love the children to the best of your ability. But I also know that the love you have to give them, is a love that will harm them". I did not allow xn to see our two daughters, even though he always cried and wished he could. This is not about grandma and what she wants or what will make her happy. She will try to convince you that it is, but it is really about the children. |
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| | | From: MichMom7 | Sent: 14/07/2008 3:34 p.m. |
Thank you everyone for your helpful and understanding advice. It really is comforting to hear from people that completely understand. I often use the expression "you can only stick your finger in the light socket so many times before you finally learn it's going to hurt everytime you do it". We're only given so many days on this earth and I don't waste another one spending it with people that are so incredibly negative, judgmental and hurtful, even if they are my parents.
Again, my sincerest thanks.
Mary Ann |
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