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Hi,
I have posted on the other board before, but after a particularly distressing weekend, I thought that this forum was more appropriate.Any comments on my story which would help me make sense of my own behaviour would really help. I.m feeling very low indeed.
Basically, I'm not long out of a destructive and abusive relationship with a N who had me behaving like the classic victim (not usually my style) He triggered overwhelming feelings in me...intense, "in love", powerful stuff that I found addictive. I did realise quite quickly that the way I was feeling/behaving wasn't healthy and I left the relationship, finally going completely NC about 6 weeks ago...changed my number etc. It was feeling better and better and I had no desire to break this.
However, on Friday night I had my parents round for dinner. During the last few months, after reading, thinking and research, I have discovered that my mother is almost certainly an N, and her and I have a difficult relationship. I mainly cope with her by as much aviodance as possible. However, Friday night got very tense and there was an incident with my daughter and my mother which reminded me of how I was treated as a child. This made me very angry, upset and ashamed of not protecting my daughter better and when they left I immediately set on a mission to contact my ex N....as if he would make things better. Since I had deleted his number this took some doing but i was determined not to go to bed until I had communicated my undying love to him (and, in the process, gave him my new number.) This, of course, sparked off a whole chain of events which culminated in me seeing him on Sunday. The aftermath of this encounter was perhaps the lowest I've ever felt....he didn't really do anything wrong but, when he left, Ifelt grief and pain like I've never felt before. In the midst of my sobs I was crying for my mother but knowing that if I rang her things would be even worse.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I know I broke the NC rule and I'm paying the price for it now. But, so distressing was the chain of events, I'm looking for anyone elses perspective on this. I have great friends but this stuff sound too wacky for them and they will say I'm over analysing stuff.
I'm wondering....was there a direct link between the encounter with my N mother and the overwhelming desire to throw myself back into the arms of my ex N/ If so, what can I do to protect myself? Can anyone related to this? I feel like all my good work has disappeared in a flash and I'm back to square one.
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| | From:  Kitcat08 | Sent: 16/07/2008 7:59 a.m. |
Oh, the lessons we learn! We are attracted to those who "feel familiar" to us. My ex has about as many N-traits as my mother. There was probably something in your subconcious that knew where YOU could "get another N-fix", since you didn't want to go there with your mom any longer. Just a guess on my part. When I left my ex, my relationship with my mother changed as well. I was strong enough to stand up to her N ways, and she found it impossible to reduce me to tears for the most part. So, ofcourse, as Nish people do, she pulled out her victim card. I have limited contact with her, as well as my ex. It works okay. I have NC with my Brother, who is N disordered or something....I'm not a DR, so I can't really diagnose him. All your work has not disappeared. You're just in the middle of another lesson. If he calls and bothers you, you'll have to change your number and do all that stuff over again. But I bet you won't be making this mistake again, huh? Lesson Learned! |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 22/07/2008 4:03 p.m. |
HI Happytobeme. Big congratulations You wrote... Basically, I'm not long out of a destructive and abusive relationship with a N who had me behaving like the classic victim (not usually my style) He triggered overwhelming feelings in me...intense, "in love", powerful stuff that I found addictive. I did realise quite quickly that the way I was feeling/behaving wasn't healthy and I left the relationship, finally going completely NC about 6 weeks ago...changed my number etc. It was feeling better and better and I had no desire to break this.
Well done - it's when we've been driven down that we rise and I'm so proud of you girl - Whooo HOOO!!! I would say to just chalk thuis up to a mistake and pick up the pieces and soldier on with the No Contact. It often takes several 'learning opporuntiies' for us to really get it. BTW, if you could go back to the dinner table and see the situation with your mother daughter, ask yourself what you would do differently. That's the richness of this learning opp. Hugs femfree |
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