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| | From:  mapletime66 (Original Message) | Sent: 21/09/2008 9:17 p.m. |
Hi this is my first step in a forum, and having read some of the discriptions on this site, I thought it was time to share my story. I now live in Canada although until just over 12 months ago my home was in the UK. I was one of two children with a brother nearly eight years older than me whom, having now done some extensive reading falls clearly into the category of 'Golden Child' My mother is the person with NPD, and my late father appears to have been either protecting me from her or compliant in the time up until his death nearly two years ago. For many years i had been brought up to believe that I had the perfect family! my mother & father fastidiously followed routines, down to days of the week for certain foods, visiting relatives or shopping on certain days, everything was done to spectacular precision, now I know it was my fathers' way of controlling my mother's behaviour, and in particular not allowing her too loose a reign in public. My mother was a gossip, but not just a gossip, a cruel, vindictive, vile tounged individual who was a smiling assassin! to friends, family & neighbours, she was the kindly chatty over the fence, type, but woe betide them behind their backs. I first really started to note her behaviour when i was expecting my second child, unfortunately during the birth C-section I developed NF(necrotizing facilitius) a flesh eating bug part of strep syndrome, although my son was OK after inital neo-natal care, I was admitted to ITC and spent time there hanging onto life with my husband at my bedside, i know today that I was extremely lucky to survive. However on that first night when the surgeons gave me less than 50% survival rate, my father and brother drove past the hospital that I was in to be with my N-mother, this pathelogical liar, who creates her own world, then went on to collapse some months later after a family arguement regarding those events, at the time although I was still recovering from surgery, I had two young children my husbands father was terminal with Lung cancer, she still wanted to be first, and who was blamed for the collapse, my husband and I, (it was meant to have been a suspected heart attack) a few years later I questioned my father on the matter and he confided that the Hospital did not feel there was anything wrong with her, he had said before that he felt his wife was a hypocondriac, often the family joked that the GP's staff always knew her voice on the phone and would call her by her first name. Anyway, on the day my father-in-law was cremated i went to collect the children after the funeral, there was still tension and I basically, not for the first time in my life( as it was always my fault!) tried to apologize, and make things better, but instead of motherly love and understanding, i was met with a torrent of anger, hatred, told i wasn't loved anymore, to go and take my family with me, my father, he just stood there silent, like a mouse. So last year after his death, we decided to emigrate, ( I am sure deep down my decision was driven, by the fact that the N-mother expected me to fill my fathers' subservant roll, and I suppose subconsciously, i thought no way!) Anyway, she tried everything, tears rages, blaming and badmouthing my husband in front of the children, threats of being struck from the will, and of course gossip, all around the family that we were running from debt, so that was why we were moving. cruel,wicked lies, by a woman who had made a life career out of wreaking havoc, and damaging relationships if she could not get her N-source. Finally after moving I sent the family a letter outing her behaviour, but they are in denial, they know from the statements in the letter that it is all true, but rather than confront it, they have chosen the easy route, to use me as a scapegoat, my own kin, flesh and blood, The problem is she is such a convincing liar, my husband and I now beleive she was responsible for the fact that my father's family where always pushed to the background, and I am tryig to trace an uncle, whom had been always described as a cheat, thief, and liar, as we beleive she did exactly to him what she has done to us, I have now put 4000 miles between us, my brother, well he ran to her like the little boy he is, frightened to confront whether that was due to fear of her reaction, or just money grabbing at the will, i don't know, I know one thing my life is still in the early stages of recovery from this individual, but it is far better without her in it, she wrote to me threatening me about outing her, telling me how she had been abandoned and the grandchildren had been taken from her, but for the last year she has known our canadian address and both of my sons have had neither birthday or christmas cards, or contact, yet we never denied her it, she just tossed us away like a bit of chewing gum that had lost it's flavour, Finally after our departure another feigned collapse, this time a suspected stroke, family evidently to her side, (again suspected nothing confirmed) and what happened after the family left this stroke victim, oh she was seen out on the bus, shopping, out with her friend. Tell me how can someone be so without conscience, so cruel & evil, and yet still recieve support from a gutless family, who just want a quiet life? Both my husband & I beleive that it will be only a matter of time before she strikes again, now that my father is no longer there to control her. I just wish my family would wake up to her fasard. I have even considered writing to her GP sending along her letter and the nasty notes she pushed through my letterbox before we moved? Any suggestions welcomed |
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Welcome Maple-- I am also new and have a N dad. Good for you for being such a strong insightful person! You will meet some great people on here. It is really terrible dealing with a N parent,isn't it? They are just Master's at pretend--really. The way they can throw their little toddler temper tantrum and then turn around and act so pious and martyred. So, while you were clinging to life and your father-in-law was dying she had to reclaim the attention? It seems to me--no matter which personality disorder they have,they just suck the life right out of you! Good Luck! God Bless You, Annie |
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Thank you Annie, You are so right, but you don't realise how much they 'suck' from you and how they distroy your confidence until, you look back at what has gone before, and realise the personal damage done and the flagrant disregard these people have for feelings and emotions, and the saddest part is the perverse nature of them knowing what they are doing. Maple |
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Maple, They are great at manipulating, that is for sure! And your right, sometimes they do know what they are doing. My N dad is so immature (which I learned on this forum is part of the condition) that I don't think he is capable of knowing what he has done--afterall,as perfect as he is, how could he possibly do anything bad? That is so sick and sad. I am glad you were smart enough to get away! Blessings, Annie |
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Yes, Manipulation & immaturity are big factors, and the 'i didn't do anything wrong ' look, my father was the adult in our household with 3 children, my mum was always top of the pecking order followed by my brother, then me, as you describe your Dad is so akin to my situation, never wrong, and on my side never ever able to say the simple little word 'sorry' But so clever at apportioning blame in the other direction, and terrible moods to boot, until things were done her way, in particular from childhood memories of her. maple |
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Maple, I'm not sure if you have posted your message on the general board or not but you might get more people to responsd if it is posted on that board--General gets a lot more traffic. |
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HI Maple, First of all, welcome to the forum. I am glad you have found this site. I have a mother with all the signs of NPD, and I can commisserate with you on your experience with yours. I congratulate you on your move to Canada. It is a wonderful country. I lived in it for 6 years and loved it. I hope you will all be happy there. All you can do is to take care of yourself and your immediate family. What happens in the U.K. with the others is totally out of your control, and would be even if you were still living there. You will torture yourself and keep yourself still connected with your n mother if you don't now let it go. Good luck to you and your family, Had Enough |
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thank you so much for your response, yes, at present that is what i am working through, the letting go, and focusing on this new beginning, but it's hard, and i suppose, i am trying to put logic to a subject where there isn't any! I am glad i have a supportive husband, and my children are so happy out here, so that's where i get my strength from, and a very good therapist, who is helping me put everything back together. Maple |
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Hi Maple,
I realized I want to share more with you. I am more used to this board, regarding a N parent, so I thought to continue here. I was too, lucky to have had a very kind and as you said got emotional support and listening ear, from my mother in law. She was so kind and non judgemental, I remember how my NM was envious of our relationship. I guess as I used to wonder what goes on in other kid's home when the door closes, I had a luck to have a guide to help me , give a good example in raising my kids. I am glad you got it too, maybe good things DO happen to good people. Although I have divorced her son,mother in law was very understanding, I remember calling her , explaining her the situation and she was patiently listening, even now 7 years latter she makes the time to ask kids about me.
It is great to have supportive husband, it makes life much more easier. I was lucky to meet a nice man shortly after my separation who has been there for me , and had helped me arrive at the conclusion that something was definitely wrong with my mother. I only stumbled on NPD , accidentally 2,5 years ago, almost as if I needed time to gather all the evidence, group them and now it was time to name it!
You are right , there is no any logic in what does a N do, however it conforms 100% to NPD logic. My explanation is, if she ever deviates it WILL NOT be logical. So. I look at all her actions that I come across with humor. That is the way she is!
Yes, as time goes by, events from the past get back to my mind, and I get to see and realize with what deviance and manipulation my mother has operated with. Mind you, my father was her best admirer, and in front of her and audience bowed to her. Other times he just escaped home, stayed out late, "business dinners, honey, you know , no choice".
I feel very happy now that I decided to go NC, for my sake and for my kids sake. I have control, dignity, respect for me, and I can give more to others around me .
Take care, keep up the good work, Zlata
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Thanks Zlata, For me it's been about 12 months of reading and trying not to beleive it as NPD, but unfortunately all the symptoms are so classic of her behaviour, when I look on the web and go through them i can identify all of the key traits, even back in my childhood, i can recall incidents, like being trapped by my hand in the front garden gate, and calling and sobbing for ages, before my mum came, but there was no sympathy or care, it was just a routine of 'Oh lets have a look'. She told me that she was hoovering, but i can't remember seeing the hoover when I went in and even my therapist feels that she could quite easily have just been watching me! which is so bizarre and perverse, I think in time as you say, I will look at it with humour and just think of it as her odd behaviour in comparison to the norm. Definitely as you say about the children, who have been so important in this, keeping them out of her reach, and not allowing for her to buy their favour, which was her greatest act of manipulation, to make them 'Love her more than their other nanny' as she once said. So yes NC is definitely the way, and for all of as a strong family unit we are now moving forward, and life is starting to smile again. Take care, Maple |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 11 of 15 in Discussion |
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Hi Maple, In reading your story, I think we have the same mother! I think that you will find that your system goes into overload as you read and learn from this site. It is a very painful process to learn about this disorder and know the truth. The truth will set you free. I have not seen my N mother for going on 18 years. I was the scapegoat of my family. She has brainwashed them with her perverted lies and I am on my own. I am married and have a family. Her poison has not touched my family. Even tho it was been the biggest heartache of my life, I am a very strong, loving person. What was meant to destroy me has made me stronger. The best revenge is living well. Whenever you feel sad and tempted to involve your mother in your life think about eating vomit. I am sorry to be so graphic. If you open your life up to her and make yourself, your husband and children vurnerable to her evil it will be like a dog that eats its vomit. I am happy that you made your move. You safeguarded your family. Reading on this site will help you to stay balanced. Projecting is one of the biggest tools of the N. In reading others' stories it will educate you and help you to see more clearly what has happened to you and provide wisdom in dealing with your mother. May God bless and keep you. Kathleen |
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Hi, you said it sooo well, Kathleen. This is the way forward,focusing ahead.
Iam amazed at how long you have been NC, and admire you for that. Ican't pick a sentence that you said , they are so good.
I wanted to add, that it helped me a lot, having pets. They fulfill so many needs, and all the positives out weight the few negatives, more "persons" around to help me validate me, that I am good , caring, tolerant and understanding person.
As I was not getting the love and care in my life, early in my life I was putting together a picture of what I wanted for a happy , healthy family. I volunteered with elderly, and i got to "choose' nice people who radiated the values that I wanted to strengthten and develop. |
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Kathleen, Thank you, I hope it's not the same mother! I wouldn't want to inflict her, as they say, 'on my worse enemy' you summed it all up in one world 'brainwashing' that's exactly how it is, no matter how many doors you bang on, how many letters you write, these people ( my family) seem totally oblivious to it, and yet the truth stares them in the face, and her own denials then contradict what she has put forward, as a means of excusal. So as you say keeping them out of my life and my childrens' keeps us all safe and our heads are clear of the mess that she weaves out of her twisted mind. Maple |
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| | | From: Caydence | Sent: 12/10/2008 11:58 a.m. |
OMG you just turned the lightbulb above my head on! My son was born not breathing...a very difficult 2 day labour...he is now 20 years old and is addicted to drugs and alcohol - is a musician - and calls me only a couple of times a year when he wants money. I call and text and email him, but he actually tells me to f*(& off out of his life...until he wants something... I could type my story here and it would be a very long one but I don't want to bore anyone. But you have brought to the surface in my life the fact that my son could be an N. I have been here on this forum under a different name for 3 years now...and never realised that my own flesh and blood could be an N... Shocked and dismayed. Please tell me how you cope! |
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I think the realization and knowledge to oneself comes when you finally admit that you do not 'trust' your mother or others that have allowed and accepted the behavior and allowed things to happen with no regard or visible standing up to it. When you can admit that you can not sit down with her and have a pleasant conversation without your words being twisted and you find yourself in the constant mode of defending yourself - it becomes the battlegrounds for ugly.
Trust is sacred and is a very intangible item but we know when we have it in someone and when someone has in it us.
If it's not present - we all live the lie & put ourselves through horrible emotional situations with those we care about but whose values & morals are different than our own.
It is hard. Love is hard - but if you want the gold in life - don't settle for the silver even with mothers, fathers, family. We all deserve it in life.
After my own experience, I have come to notice how many 'observers' allow individuals to stay in control because that is all they know and they don't have the courage or desire and perhaps not even know that LOVING relationships relationships really do exist. Set yourself free from the intrusion in your own mind that you can do or change them or the situation - move forward and keep your eyes on the SUN in your life. |
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