I think you might consider "Tough Love".  There are groups formed around this idea, books written about it. 

 

I noticed you were quite defensive about the idea of "enabling" him.  Denial perhaps? 

 

When my son was 12, our family had a cell phone.  He took it when we needed to communicate with him.  Otherwise, it belonged to all of us.  It was not in his possession 24/7.    Later, his father(my ex) got him a cell phone of his own, and I was totally hands off.  He lost 2 cell phones, but I was hands off.  Not my phone, not my problem. 

 

Boundaries always come with consequences.  "If you don't take a shower, you don't get to go out to dinner" (or I refuse to sit beside you at the table, therefore refuse to serve dinner).    I would never wrestle the kid.  Just let him suffer the natural and logical consequences.  The kids at school will help you take care of this problem in time. 

 

My son is not perfect.  However, he started doing his own laundry at 14.  I started doing my own laundry at 13.  Because parents are not mind readers, and kids know what they want to wear, and washing machines are so easy to operate, kids can do their own laundry easily.  Washing my son's clothes became a favor to him.   

 

I totally get pulling out your hair, and your son does not sound completely "normal" in the respect that he digs his heals in and absolutely refuses to cooperate.    These disorders are hereditary, but it takes the gene combined with the upbringing/parenting that causes full blown disorders.    This I have been told by mental health professionals. 

 

Not one of us is a perfect parent.  Cause it's a hard job.  We bring our own baggage into it, and we don't want to coddle our kids, but we don't want to hurt them either.  They don't come with instruction manuals.   

 

I look at most everything as "boundaries and consequences".  The boundary is taking out the trash.  What should the consequence be?  Make it fitting.    If you don't take out the trash,  I can't make dinner and cause more trash.   If you don't take a shower, I don't want to be near a boy who smells like BO.  If you don't pick up your clothes, then they won't get cleaned.  Etc.  And reward good behavior with some praise.  "I love how you did your homework without being told".  I love that you get As and Bs in school.  I love having a smart son.  Watch him shine and thrive by being noticed for good stuff.    And then at this age, they love to have their opinions taken into acct.   Give them choices.  Potatoes or Rice.  Trash or Dishes.  McCain or Obama. 

 

Parenting can be fun.  Find the fun and build on it.