Hi all,
Complete newbie here, so apologies if I'm going over old ground or repeating previous posts.
Brief background. J exhibits all the classic symptoms of a N, and has previously verbally abused elder members of the family, which is obviously not acceptable. The final straw with this one was that she wasn't invited to my Nanny's funeral because of her appalling behaviour. We live down south where as the rest of the family live up North (UK). J lives 200 miles away from where we live.
We were both adopted, which is a marvellous crutch when she is 'on one'. Her abuse now is predominately towards my parents, until she wants a new car, or computer. She doesn't work, where as I do. She lives on housing benefit, I have my own house. The jealously towards me is phenomanol. I want to make roots for my children, she is quite happy to bimble through life smoking dope. Her choice, but she can't quite realise that I wasn't given my lifestyle on a plate, I worked for it.
As she lives far away, she comes over twice a year, which is enough to be honest. During her period of visitation, she picks constantly on my mother, makes ridiculous demands, and flies off the handle at any slightest thing, not letting ANYONE get a word in edgeways.
The last time she came over, not only did she physically discipline my 5 year old, (I obviously wasn't there), but invited her friends to my daughter's party a few days later. She was trying for an argument at her party, but I wouldn't rise to it. She usually leaves me alone, as I would fight back - so my patient, kind, forgiving parents get it. However, this visit it was my turn. I went out the following night, dropping my two children off at M&D's. She took umbridge at a comment I made about beleiving the 'forward this, and you will get millions of pounds' email that everyone has had, so tried 3 different subjects to get me to bite. With each one I stayed calm, but with her constant shouting and swearing, I eventually said that if the children weren't there, then I'd play, but as they were, I'm going to walk away. She then followed me out the front door and said that if I wanted to try it, she'd f,king have me.
After this, I told my parents that that was it. I no longer was going to be a pawn to her abuse, and I washed my hands of her.
Christmas is coming up, and I had planned to go elsewhere, but Mum is so distraught about having to deal with her over christmas she has persuaded me to support her over this time. Which I will do for her. I am dreading it, she is foul (as you all can appreciate).
We have only recently stumbled accross Narcissistic Personaility Disorder, and this is basically exactly J. We are now looking to move forward positively - not for J, because we have come to the realisation that nothing will ever change, there is no cure, nor is there any recognition from the N party that they are doing anything wrong, or unusual. We just need some kind of coping mechanism. I have had enough, and am quite at the point where I would find it difficult not to slap her the next time she 'blows', hence the decision not to see her again, not to put myself in that position (she would be the first to phone the police doing the 'poor me' act), but have to keep my mouth shut, and watch as she abuses my mother and father, and my daughter. My M&D are thinking of memorising some one line sentences that they can use as a get out clause when she starts, or walking away from the situation when she creates, but I am dreading the whole christmas period knowing that it will be hell - there's no getting away from this.
Has anyone (if anyone is still reading... LOL) got some pointers for coping with the eruptions, and how to cope when she then bleets on about her 'needs' expecting M&D to bail her out accordingly, not to mention her continued trauma dealing with an awful childhood (?????).
FYI, I am 39, she is 41, she is on her own with LO 5, and I am on my own with 2 LO 5 and 16 months, we were bought up in a loving home, with way more benefits that the majority of our friends.
Any advise would be gratefully received,
Thanks,
Clare :-) |
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