| Abusive Relationships Workbook The following excerpt is taken from "Abusive Relationships Workbook" (February 2006) by Sam Vaknin
Self-assessment questionnaires, tips, and tests for victims of abusers, batterers, and stalkers in various types of relationships. Click on this link to purchase "Abusive Relationships Workbook" (February 2006):
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Am I Being Abused?
Most, though not all, abusers are men. This is why I use male pronouns throughout this text. Male readers should substitute the female pronouns wherever applicable.The author is not a mental health professional. This book in no way offers professional advice and does not substitute for therapy and diagnosis administered by properly trained practitioners �?social workers, therapists, medical doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists.
What behaviour constitutes abuse? Are you being abused?
If you answer even ONE of these questions in the affirmative, then you are the victim of abusive conduct!
1. Are you being lied to on a regular basis?
2. When you disagree or quarrel or when you criticise him, does he give you the "silent treatment" (ignores you and your attempts to communicate with him)?
3. Do you feel smothered, "supervised", controlled, and "loved too much"?
4. Is he overly and unjustly jealous or paranoid whenever you meet other people, male or female (even if they are close family members)? Is he over-protective?
5. Does he treat you as an extension of himself, an object, or an instrument of gratification? For instance, does he make decisions involving you without as much as consulting you?
6. Is he brutally and humiliatingly "honest" about your shortcomings, flaws, and deficiencies? Does he tactlessly mock you in private or in public?
7. Does he not respect your privacy (goes through your things, read your mail and e-mail, snoops on your computer, talks to your friends behind your back in an attempt to elicit information)?
8. Has he been violent towards you? Did he ever hit you or used other forms of physical aggression (pushed you, pinched you painfully, slapped or otherwise battered you)?
9. Does he force you to have sex with him against your expressed will and protests?
10. Does he misuse your money, possessions, or assets in any way? Did he abuse your credit cards, checking account, or his access to your bank and online banking? 11. Does he persistently and intentionally act erratically, unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally? Is he advertently unreliable and untrustworthy? 12. Does he react disproportionately and forcefully to the slightest provocation or slight, real or imagined? Does he throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed? Does he act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be) afterwards? 13. Does he use information you shared with him in moments of confidence and intimacy to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert you "to the cause"? 14. Does he engineer impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed? 15. Does he recruit friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers �?in short, third parties �?to do his bidding and cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate you? 16. Does he engineer situations in which abuse (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) is inflicted upon you to your great embarrassment and humiliation? 17. Does he foster, propagate and enhance an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation, even without engaging in acts of traceable explicit abuse? Truth be told, if you answered "yes" to even ONE of these questions, let alone two or more, you are being abused.
Manager's Note: the Abusive Relationship Workbook contains specific tips and tactics for coping with this type of abuse and more.
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