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Just this past week I found tangible evidence of an affair that my STBXNH had for years. Shortly after he moved out 3 years ago, I was helping to take care of his mom and she said to me, "You know, he has another family. The baby is coming in a couple of weeks." At the time, I thought she was just confused. But now that I'm finding all this evidence of his affair, I'm wondering if it's true. I live in CA, so it's a no-contest divorce state. Part of me wants to know if there's a child and part of me doesn't. I talked to my lawyer about it but didn't get a sense of whether it would be good for the settlement to find out or not. He told me that it could possibly go against me in that I would get less spousal support if there is a child. But he said there is a greater probability that it would go in my favor because it goes to his character and it would point out that community funds were spent with this other family. I went back through investment accounts and over those years, he withdrew approximately $180K, which he probably used on this other family, but it would be too costly to try to track all those withdrawals. Should I just let this all go? I'm also worried that if he finds out that I know about all this stuff, he will make the divorce drag out even longer than he already has. Thanks for any input you can give me-- |
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Were you okay with the way things were headed before you found this information out? Perhaps do a little bit of digging. If this other woman he had the child with is already collecting support from him, it won't really hurt you too much to bring it out in the open will it? If she is working and they are together, then it won't hurt you too much there either. Maybe you don't have enough information about that situation to determine what is the best course of action yet. Your attorney said it would probably help more to define his character. 180 K is a lot of money. What were the withdrawls the previous year and so on and can you show that, say normally the withdrawls are $70,000.00 so this really jumps off the page? You would probably be able to recover some of it, however, if if you can't recover some of it you've now raised the bar on what you were asking for before. My experience with court is you only get some of what you are asking for, so this may swing it more towards getting more of what you first asked for. Then again, if you don't want it to drag out futher, there is not amount of money you can put on your piece of mind, so it is something you really have to weigh out. |
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Thank you, Trinity. Yes, I was OK with the way things were headed before I found this out. He stole our savings and hid them from me and I found them (although the judge just said, "OK, we all agree he shouldn't have done that, but he's promised that you won't be harmed by it"--Are you kidding me???); I found other accounts that he didn't disclose; I found the million-dollar house that he bought (obviously against court orders). The judge was already mad at him for going against her court order to get a home equity line of credit in both of our names to pay to get the house ready to sell. He got it in his name only, so she was already angry at that. He's stalled at every turn, has refused to turn over records, lied for five hours at his deposition, etc. So, I was feeling pretty confident that things would go mostly my way. But with the court, as we all know, you never know how it will turn out. That's a great idea about looking at what "normal" withdrawals were for the year in that account and comparing the years. I'll have to go through the records more carefully and do that. But as of 2003, birth records are no longer public information. So does anyone have any idea of how I can PROVE that there is a child? Even if I hire a P.I., or talk to her ex, or even go talk to her, I won't have proof. If she has broken up with him, maybe she would talk to me. But if they're still together, then I will have shown my hand, so to speak, which I don't want to do. |
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Well, if you go ahead with the divorce proceedings and your lawyer asks for X amt. of alimony for you--enough for you to live comfortably--and N doesn't think he can "afford" it, what is he going to say? "I'm sorry your honor, I can't pay that, I have another family I have been supporting and a child?" Not likely! He probably has no interest in dragging that out since it will open up all of your joint finances to scrutiny. BUT your state (like the one I divorced in) doesn't care if your x was sleeping around with the whole city. They just looks at the facts in front of them. So there are two possibilities. If he just says "ok" and you get enough alimony to be comfortable and leave with that and your sanity, maybe it's not worth it to get involved in the rest. This would depend on your financial position though and if you want to chase him down for what he spent on OW. If he spent a LOT of money on her and you can document it, maybe it's worth the time. OR...tip your lawyer (and therefore the judge) off about the million dollar house he bought in violation of a direct court order. That alone might be enough to make the judge tip the balance in your favor and give you even more alimony than you are requesting, just because he has tried to pull one over on the court. Judges don't like to be jerked around. |
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I have no idea how to prove he has a child short of seeing if he is taking a deduction on his taxes, his wages being garnished, or taking a close look at his bank accounts to see if a check has been written to a certain person for a certain amount for several months. That would be a lead I would think. I'm not really sure where it will get you though as it would appear the judge already annoyed with him. Add the house into the equation that he was not supposed to purchase and the other things and you may be doing quite well without bringing up the child. I'm really sorry because I'm not familiar with the background on your case. But rachel is correct, you do not go against what the court orders without paying a heavy price for it. |
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I would as fast as I could the other way. As my brother and sister told me years ago money and things can be replaced... yiur emotional and physicalhealth can not. Unfortunately for the woman he is focused on her. My ex's ex girlfriend's mother told me that they only way their daughter got away was because he was focused on me and they felt bad for me. It has been 8 yrs, I am remarried I have 2 children in college and one 16 yr old at home and he still doesn't stop. So again bail out asap |
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| | From:  dolly | Sent: 7/10/2008 2:12 a.m. |
"Well, if you go ahead with the divorce proceedings and your lawyer asks for X amt. of alimony for you--enough for you to live comfortably" I have learned from experience that it is better to ask for substantially more than what you can live on. If you only ask for the minimum ammount, you will get that cut and will have a financial problem. If you ask for more than what would be enough, even if the judge cuts it down, you are ending up with more, or with the amount you can live on. Good luck. Dolly |
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