I am almost six mos total NC and there are days I think of him. I used to think of him constantly, every waking moment. But as I stayed  NC and made positive changes in my life, the thoughts are still there but getting few and far between. It is a time of celebration for me when I realized that a day had gone by and I did not think of him.

 

You will get there too but you need to focus on other things. For me, I took up water color painting, swim everyday at the gym, things like that. But the most strength I got was from looking deep into my spiritual side. I found I could reach in and move on.

 

Stay NC. When you think of him and your love for him......think of how he DID NOT love you. Think of the lies, the cheating, the vile behavior. Put it in perspective.

Good point, Theresa.

 

I have been reading Finding Your Northstar, by Martha Beck. I recommend it highly for those of us who looked to an movie prop of a person for approval. Get the book.

 

BL

I still think of him everyday too. 

 

I think of how he criticised everything I ever did.

 

I think of his silent treatment that left me wondering WTF I did to deserve this.

 

I think of his raging anger (over nothing) that scared the daylights out of me.

 

I think of my walking on eggshells when time was nearing for him to come home.

 

I think of the female names and phone numbers I would find.

 

I think of how anything I did was never good enough for him.

 

I think of how needy he was, I had to do everything for him.

 

I think, and I think, and I think, and I'm so greatful I kicked his sorry butt to the curb, and now I can be me, and do as I please, and not be belittled, critisized, made fun of, and all the rest of the crap he pulled.  I think I'm happy now. You can be too.

Hugs,

FGB

I am 8m out and I think of him a lot too, too much.

 

I keep very busy, have two jobs, am a single parent to my 8 year old son (not the N's, thank God) and have supportive friends and family but still, it is like he is there, lodged in my brain and I can't seem to make him go away.

 

Some days are worse than others...they seem to go in blocks so I might have 3 or 4 bad days on the run and then things improve. It is hard work but I just try to keep focused and tell myself that every day is a little step closer to being free from him for good. Surely, there has to come a day where the memories are so distant that it is possible to not think about him...that's what I am hoping for anyway.

 

purple x

superjoint,

 

It's been a year for me and I too think of him everyday.  THe hard part is keeping the memories in perspective.  SOmetimes I think about how sweet our time was togehter in the beginning and how fantastic it was to make love and feel loved........

 

But realizing that for him it was not real.  THe entire relationship was based on lies and a false demeanor and promises that would never come to fruition.  Realizing every move and word stemmed form a need to control and dupe me in order to feel superior.

 

Then sometimes I remember all the bad behavior, the tantrums, cheating, lies, distortions of the truth, accusations and DRAMA.  And now I just think of him and remember not to ever NOT trust my intuition again.

 

I saw red flags, chalked them up to divorce issues, believed him to be truthful.......I have forgiven myself.  THIS CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.  Good people give the benefit of the doubt, but don't let themselves be abused.

 

It's hard not to rememebr the good and the bad.... WHat I WILL remember is that he lied, cheated and was badly behaved and abusive.  From what I have learned he is disordered, and he has created two daughters in his image.  I believe him to be a sociopath.  It will be difficult to forget such a traumatic turn of events.

 

Thank you to everyone that has replied on this post. A couple of days after i wrote this post I was having a few good days which was good I felt normal for a while. BUT today is the worst i have felt since I left him I had a dream last night that we were together again like in the begining it was fantastic i could see his smile I could coould feel his touch since I have woken this morning all I have done is think about him it is starting to send me nuts again. I have done nothing today but cry I never thought my heart could be hurting the way it is again. I hate him for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel but then on the other hand I would do anything just to have what i thought his love again. Everyone probably thinks i am a nut case for wanting that, Cause I surely do....

hey all--

 

this is an interesting thread.  and, superjoint girl--phew, today has been a really bad day for me, too!  there must be something in the air.  my XN & i have been fully apart for nearly a year, and i think about him ALL THE TIME still.  it makes me sick.  i can't believe i have so little control over my thoughts--total obsessing, but that must be part of our co-dependent personalities.  also, they gave us *our* perfect dream of a relationship at the beginning *because all they were doing was mirroring our wishes and needs and desires and mimicking them back to us like the fake actors that they are.*  we didn't know it was all fake.  it felt more real than just about anything we'd ever felt: like THIS IS IT, I'VE FOUND THE ONE! 

 

meanwhile, the d & d process is so traumatizing that i think many of us are suffering from PTSD (as many here have said), and we have to go easy on ourselves as we process as best we can. 

 

the other thing is that because they are such liars, con-artists, deceivers, we can't even trust our own memories and perceptions, which is another reason i think we spend so much ridiculous effort trying to figure out the "puzzles" that they are.  they are not real people; their lives are facades, mirrors, ploys.  we can't ever figure them out.  they can't even figure themselves out, and don't want to.

 

one day it HAS to fade, though.  i know i've been obsessed by other people in the past (never to this extent, and for this long, though--i'm 39).  but those other ones did fade, and now i couldn't care less about the nasty ones.  interestingly enough, the very positive and healthy relationships i had were nowhere near as hard to get over.  there was a normal processing, together, of the painful break up.  we were basically fair to each other, even though it was painful. 

 

Ns are never fair.  they think fairness is a dupe.

 

be strong, and thanks for posting!  let's hope tomorrow is a better day in the cycle :)

 

--dancing 

Thanks dancing,

But I did the WRONG thing after I did my last post I went and phoned him.. I still cant believe I did it and I havent stop crying since I thought just maybe it would help how i was feeling but how WRONG am I, I think it has made it worse not that wanting him but the hurting,,

hey superjoint g,

 

i know the feeling all too well!  do you feel like saying what he did when you called him?  don't if you'd rather not, but it might help to vent (it seems to help me . . .). 

 

anyway, another thing i was going to say is that you're only 4 months out of it!  go easy on yourself.  i couldn't even sleep through the night properly for 6 months, the end had been so shocking and traumatic.

 

there ARE men/partners out there who won't make us feel this way--it's just up to us to hold out for them, and not ignore the red flags next time at the beginning.

 

hugs, and more hugs on this difficult day--

 

dancing

Hey Dancing,

 

When he answered he new it was me he must still have me in his phone. He was like hey how are you going I was pretty stunned but it was like we had never lost contact on his side but on mine was like how can you be this way to me so nice and sincere when it is all a lie. He reckons he was going to call me the other day but didnt know if i would take his call i dont believe that at all cause he doesnt normally think he just does. Then when I told him I had to go he said lets keep in contact I will call you soon he said and I was like NO it only makes things harder and we have nothing left to say to each other it is totally over for us.

 

In a way dancing I feel a little better for what i did but in anthoer way i feel crappy, but at least I still know that he is full of S**t.

 

I know i shouldnt say this but it was good to hear his voice, its terrible they are like a drug now I have had my fix I should be right again for a while.

 

Once again thanks dance (((hugs)))

hey superj,

 

just remember that they are MASTER manipulators, and that, above all, THEY WANT TO LOOK GOOD.  it may sound harsh, but probably he was not thinking of calling you at all.  he just knows it makes him look good and sweet and caring (blah blah bs bs) to say that.  it's CRAP.  if he was thinking of calling you, why didn't he? 

 

when mine dumped me totally brutally out of the blue for a "separation" that involved putting me out of the house with less than 24 hours notice, he would call and tell me i was the love of his life and sob and sob about how "pure" his love was for me, but then he would screen my calls if i ever called him!  he even sent me flowers a month after the initial dump to wish me "happy anniversary"--i was so f-ed up by then about the whole thing, and getting pretty angry with the manipulations, but i thought, "i have to be decent & at least call him to say thank you for this beautiful bouquet."  he screened my call, and wouldn't return it for 24 hours!  yeah, right. 

 

then, i found out later that all that while he was already courting another woman (an ex-in-law of mine, if you can believe it).

 

THEY WILL SAY ANYTHING.  anything.  it has no relation to the truth. 

 

but, crying is good.  especially if you're only at 4 months. it can help you heal and process. 

 

meanwhile, just remember, like others have said, how awful you felt calling the jerk.  he won't ever treat you well--he can't.  he's not treating the ow well--he can't.  it's all lies with her, too.

 

hoping tomorrow is a better day.  and, yes, just start again at day one.  i have to do the same :)

 

--dancing   

It`s been 16 months for me and I also think about N everyday ... thank God he doesn`t know or this would just be more NS for him. I dont think of the good , I think of the bad he did. I have been NC for over a year ( my decision ).

I recently joined another online group for abuse awareness and came to find N had joined it as well. I got to have my say against his abuse and he can`t do a thing. I didn`t mention his name or any details that would identify him as the person I am referring but those who know me, know I would be talking about N. I have noticed a few friends of his joining the group as well, even though these people do not know who I am and wouldn`t be able to make the connection. Funny thing is OW isn`t on the group .. mmmmmnnn I wonder why?? With the Block features it was easy to block him out but the support from others who have endured abuse as well is great. I know NC likely stumps N as he always said I would always be in his life and wouldn`t be able to do without him .. hahahahaha. NOT!! I no longer hide or cover for N`s abuse of me. I no longer am afraid and I know I am not in love with N any longer. I am still stuck with the thoughts of what I would have liked to have had with N but it was a fantasy that never was. When we separate what we wished things to be with the reality of what it truly was and focus on the negitive behaviors of N we begin to move forward. I finally gave myself permission to stop blaming myself and not allow N to take any more of my N free life away by allowing myself to hurt. When N comes to mind i remind myself I am so lucky to be free and I truly mean that. I will be reminding of N when a see something that reminds me of him but then I take my mind elsewhere and focus on my growth from this experience. I`ve learned so much and grown from this experience. This was never the way I thought would learn but I am glad I have. N free!!