In no way am I saying I seek perfection from a significant other. But, I also won't spend my life with someone who can't love me back. A flaw is someone who might bite their nails, snore, whistle, drop their clothes on the floor, or drag their feet in a shuffling annoying way lol........I don't think someone who has no soul and isn't capable of loving me is just a flaw that can be overlooked..........

 

I understand that you are willing to sell yourself short of what God has planned for you because it's easier to focus on HIM rather than you. I'm guilty of the same.......

 

You will get to a point where the pain is intolerable and claw your way out. I just think you are not there yet. You are idolizing some fantasy guy whom never was. Really and truly, try not to think in terms of you being happy WITH anyone. Be happy with yourself first.....I know it sounds cliche. I had periods in my life where I had no clue what that meant. NOW I get it!

 

I hope you don't have to endure as many N's and pain as I did to get to this point. I'll pray for you and for a healing in your life......Pray for me as well........

kaliedescope,

Based on what you wrote, I think he may be an N.  It sounds as though he also discards you at his liesure.  He isn't consistent in his desire to spend time with you and he is playing games that seem to promote wanting you to chase him.

 

I understand about the fact that he doesn't get on your nerves.  I was so blindly crazy in love with my XNP and I thought I could be with him forever just because we could spend days together and when it was good it was perfect.  But the other abuses..... name calling, leaving me for days, refusing to speak, not answering the phone, hanong up, the cheating, lies (major lies)..... it's not worth it.  Try to consider that and what it is doing to yoiu emotionally.  THe abuse builds up until one day it hits us in the face.

 

 

Xmovingon, I really liked what you said in your post and I could relate to it a lot up until the part where you said he lied and cheated. See, mine never did. Either I didn't know it or the relationship hadn't gotten far enough for it to occur (if it would have).  Regardless, I didn't know mine to be a liar or a cheater and that makes it a lot harder for me.  I think it's easier to cut someone off that's lied and cheated on you, because I've been in that situation.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it was easy for you to break off from your xN. I'm just saying that when things are worse like that, it seems to at least give you justification for doing so.

whatjusthappened, you wrote this:

 

In no way am I saying I seek perfection from a significant other. But, I also won't spend my life with someone who can't love me back.

 

You say "who can't love ME back" vs. "who can't love ANYONE back".   Doesn't that mean it would have something to do with that person then? 

kaliedescope,

 

It sounds like maybe the relationship is tolerable.  Give it a try, maybe he jsut behaves like he isn't into you.  Do you want this for yourself?  He should be crazy about you and about spending time with you.  Just don't let him take advantage of you.  With an N/P, they do more than take advantage of you.  They abuse.  Their actions don't match their words.  Their motivation is usually some effort to control your behavior, YET they create an image that is so opposite.

 

It wasn't easy walking away even after he cheated and lied.  I am not someone who has come from an abusive relationship, nor am I someone who seeks people like this.  But I was hooked and he is a sociopath.  I loved him.  It just isn't enough with a true N/P.  Don't let it get that far for you.  Good luck with it all.

 

Girl......you are insistent on this being your fault or something wrong with you huh? You could be some really crappy snoring tooth grinding slob and somebody is going to love all of you.........

 

I don't think it was me persay that N didn't love. If it was just me and he's this wow wonderful guy that I missed for 7 years mysteriously.........then, I STILL don't want to be with him. The man hurt me and humiliated me with OW and abuse. His worst abuse was the withholding........Push/pull....mysterious.....I wondered what I'd done wrong or if I mattered based on his actions, not words........It was so lonely.

 

I'm curious....do you think your elusive X is an N? You make a lot of excuses for his distance, so am just curious to hear how you are and what you think.

Since you said he is tolerable are you saying that my xN isn't that bad?  I thought others here were telling me that he WAS bad. Now I'm confused. 

 

Also, you said that he behaves like he isn't into me.  That makes it sound like it has to do with it being something about me and not him. 

Sorry, my last post was to xmovingon. I didn't address it.

Whatjusthappened, thanks for your post.  You seem very caring.  I can relate to that whole push/pull thing too.  I think that feels normal to me though. 

 

You mentioned your xN hurt you and humiliated you with OW and abuse, but I don't have that to go by with mine. That makes it harder for me.

 

As far as mine being an N goes, I've had two professionals tell me that he was based on what I told them occurred during the time I'd gone out with him.  When I read stories on this forum, however, he doesn't match a lot of others xN's talked about here.  So sometimes I think he's an N and sometimes I'm not sure.

 

Thanks K.

 

Well, be glad you've caught on to something not right early in the game then.....be grateful you weren't hanging on to those ski ropes with a maniac driver at the helm.

 

Unless you think your counselor is in the dark, if you, I might try giving what she has to say some extra attention. My XN was not a loud rager. He was passive aggressive. He even said he was mysterious at one point.

 

Me no like mystery. Great for novels, sucks in love.............

kaliedescope,

 

I am not a professional so I can't diagnose him.  IMO, he is not behaving toward you in a way that is acceptable..... but only you can decide what is acceptable for you.  After all that I have been through with the XN/P, I have very little tolerance for immaturity, lack of responsiveness, ignorance, games in general..  But that's ME.

 

It doesn't sound from your posts like you are sure he is an N or that his behavior is all that bad...... again only you can decide.  I don't think there is anything wrong with you......I allowed some of the bad behavior when I took him back several times after he behaved badly.  For me, that was wron and I lowered my standards for a short period of time and now I am having a tough time recovering from that.  That's what I did wrong, but there is nothing wrong with me.  This is not my fault. 

 

But I won't allow someone to treat me like that again.  If you are even questioning his behavior then you are seeing red flags.....THAT IS A GOOD THING..... question them and don't get in deeper.  it's a tough hole to climb out of.

 

You will never make sense of what a N does, and you will think and think about it until you feel insane. I was married to a to N twice, yes, the same one. Before the first divorce, he called me to meet him. When we left the place, he hugged me and had tears, then ran off real dramatically. A week later he gave me divorce papers along with a few choice sentimental items, cd of our wedding music and photos of us. He did not go through with that divorce, but 2 yrs later, he did for real, and I didn't see much of him for 2 more years. When we did talk, he said that he thought of me everyday and that he'd never get over me, yet he didn't pursue me. We got married again, because I did more pursuing. The final time we divorced after he met OW, the night before he was to go to court to finalize it, he called and wanted to go to dinner. I of course hoping again, said yes and also yes to his staying the night. He acted as if I was the one, then got up the next morning and promptly divorced me. He called some more after that, but after 13 wasted yrs. of this game, I finally said I can't see you anymore. That was almost 2 yrs ago, and yes, I miss him. I know it is because I haven't met someone to make me see what it's like to be with a real man. I have come to realize that I miss the dream  of what I thought he was at first and what I so wanted him to be. We could have been perfect, but he screwed it up, but that is like saying I could be perfect for Hugh Laurie, (Dr. House), if only he weren't married. It is all so unrealistic, and we must see this.

(WJH: "Me no like mystery. Great for novels, sucks in love............."  That is hysterical.  And it is also so, so true.)

 

Kaleidescope,

She's right, you don't want to be "guessing" about someone's intention, feelings, motivations.  If you find yourself doing that, it's a bad sign (whether they are an N or not).  Where Ns are concerned, it is downright dangerous to view their behavior within a normal person's framwork; moving forward because you've attibuted them with normal feelings is to invite insanity.

 

 

 

 

 

You said you're feeling pretty bad lately - so don't spend time with someone who compounds that feeling.  Sounds like you're seaking validation outside of yourself and spending time with this person is just reflecting back to you a negativity you already feel, reiterating it.  I'm not saying it's your fault (like this is what you feel, so that is what you got back and that it has nothing to do with him), just saying that if you already feel low, don't make yourself vulnerable to someone that isn't giving you a positive message/feedback about yourself.

 

Sit across from somone whose eyes light up when they look at you.