Wow. I feel the exact same way. Amazing.

 

I think that maybe it is because in the beginning they built us up to be this perfect and wonderful creature, better than anyone they'd ever dated or married. And they put down the others just to prove it to us. They thought we would save them (finally) from their disorder, but discovered it wasn't going to happen. Nobody can save them, but they don't know that. So then they cut us off at the knees.

 

But we are still wanting to get back there. Back to when we were wonderful and we believed the false reality that they included us in. Does this make sense? I don't think I want him to want ME as much as I want him to see me again as he did for the short period in the beginning. When I was wonderful and beautiful and everything I did was perfect. But that person didn't exist. Just like the N's personality in the beginning didn't exist. It was all a sham to get us hooked. He didn't believe a word of it, but we did.

 

And now we are left with just being ourselves again. That rush is gone. We have to realize that being ourselves is what we were before we met our N's. And I have to say I liked myself then, and now not so much. I'm having a hard time. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and be normal again.

I felt the same..... even when he was stalking me I wanted to believe he wanted me.  They do want us.....but in order to control us, how we feel, how we behave......

They don't want us in the way we want them or because they feel love like we do.  They want us out of fear of not being able to control us and when they CAN control us they disresect us for that.  When they can't control us, they ditch us before we can ditch them...... 

 

What you feel is normal and you want what you thought you had.  When people are abused (and we were) they tend to want to please the person who is doing the abusing.  We want to convince them of the goodness we have and they way we truly feel and the love we have to give.  It is incomprehensible that they don't feel like we do.  THEY DON"T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT.

 

Just recognoze this and realize it will not improve and it will continue to hurt.  you don't deserve that kind of constant anxiety and fear in your life.

 

 

It's not twisted. Not at all. Of course you want him to want you. Why wouldn't you? We all want someone to want us.

 

All that making you chase him around was to make you want him. "Elusive" is a very powerful game.

So stop beating yourself up. You're perfectly normal, you're just going through a stage that probably every one of us has been through. It will come and go in fits and spurts for some time, but they will get farther and farther apart.

 

Of course you're conflicted about wanting him; this was a relationship. Good or bad, it ended, and part of that ending is the conflict between wanting and leaving. It's part of the letting go.

 

And you may always love him in some way or to a certain degree...but there are many times when we must keep ourselves safe and away from someone even when we genuinely love him or her. Sad, but true.

I totally understand also.  I still want Pretend Guy to want me because I still want Pretend Guy.

Hi,

I think it is just an ego thing. He diminished and demeaned you, treated you like dirt, and eogically you want some validation. You want him to "see" what he missed out on having.

I think that when we do this for 20 years, we also habitually want from them what they can't give us. They abandon us with these actions, and they avoid any form of intimacy with us by this too. We condition ourselves to feel this way year after year until this longing becomes a part of our being. It is really difficult to shake it.

It probably does go back to FOO issues. I know with me it did.

Are you doing any kind of therapy to help you get through this and understand it?

I am so glad you have left him and filed for divorce. This is HUGE. It sounds like you are strong and on the path of a new life. It will take some time to get over what you went through.

Hugs,

Had Enough

Glad I'm normal! Because I could have written what busyliving wrote word for word.

 

I too hope it will pass. I've not seen him with OW yet........but, I'm preparing myself. I found plenty of emails and evidence of cheating while married, but, I know it will hurt when he latches on to his next victim........and, I'll be fully aware of what he's doing.

 

Validation.........That would be nice. I am too struggling with being with someone that never loved me for 7 years. Gosh, that's the hardest part of all of this.....I don't know why....

 

Told me I couldn't understand what he's been going through since I left him........EXCUSE ME?????????? Omg, like this was a cake walk for me.....I moved in a day and yanked my baby out of schools. And, he's the one who is hooked on porn and blah blah, and somehow I'm insensitive and don't know how he feels?

 

Yeah, my XN is a real card.......I think we'll have many nights of laughter together posting here with some of the doozies he comes up with!!!

 

I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. I truly am happy living alone with DD and no dating. I can't explain it......I used to be afraid to be alone.....no more, XN cured me of that for sure!!!

 

You are not alone busyliving!!! I think the same things.

 

 

Busy,

 

In my mind, it's pretty simple:  You love somebody and you naturally want that person to love you back. 

 

Rejection isn't fun. 

 

What you are feeling seems pretty natural and normal to me. 

 

Deep down inside, I want my XNBF to love me too.  I'd never live with him again.  I don't actually want to ever see him again.  But still . . . 

 

Emotions are weird, Busy. 

 

But I don't think yours are unnatural or abnormal. 

 

You just need to be rational about it.  View it academically.  That's all we can do. 

They are messed up. 

 

Gloria

Hmm, Now I got that Cheap Trick song running thru my head..

I waant you to want me, I need you to need me

 

What bumby rider said really hit home with me.. "we're rejected so much on every single level, that we just once, feel like they accepted us."

I spent years and years giving it my all to please that evil piece of poo, gave everything I had.. and he gives his love, the very and only thing I wanted, to someone else.

 

I want him to want me because I feel like a failure... This is what my heart tells me. My mind knows better now, but it's hard not to feel this way.