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| | From:  beegee4589 (Original Message) | Sent: 10/11/2008 2:50 a.m. |
He seems so sincere, he acts as he is so in love with me. He seems to worship me. I try to be mean and cold to him, thinking he will show his true colors, but it just seems to hurt his feelings. I will like the bad one. But my therapist knows him for he is also his child's therapist, and he insist he is a N. We broke up for few mos and every since he has acted if I am the only person in the world. At first not, I didn't hear from him for weeks, but for the last 4mos he has been nothing but kind to me. He was never mean to me in the beginning, he just seem to take advantage of my kindness, but not bad. Our problem was he acted like he couldn't stand my child even though he never said it. He was just so cold to him and had nothing to do with him. He also had a few other issues like checking out other women but says it meant nothing (just looking) and letting me pay for his meals for he couldn't manage his money and was always broke. But now he swears he has changed and realizes his mistakes. I wish I hadn't broke NC but I did and now I'm ashamed and embarrassed, but I feel like he is sincere in what he says. I don't know if I should ask my child to give him another chance. I know you guys think I'm nuts. I just fell in love with this person and don't know how to let go especially when he is acting so kind. At this point, I am seeing him, but I don't allow him at my house or around my child. I'm just to the point that I'm not only second guessing myself, but my therapist also. How long can they act this kind? I thought by now he would break. I just kind of got sucked back in because I was stupid enough to answer the dang phone because I wanted closure and this is where it has got me..slowly I have gotten back into this relationship and I'm not even sure how. It's just so hard to let go of someone when I care so much. I hate him for being cold to my child and it's the only reason I haven't competely taken him back. Is it possible if he was cold to him for a year to have a change of heart and want to be a part of his life? He blames it on the ex and said she made him feel guilty if he was part of my son's life because it would be hurt their daughter. Doesn't make sense. |
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You're right, beegee: it doesn't make sense... it doesn't make sense to give a second chance to someone who was been cruel to your child (being cold to a child IS being cruel).
How long will he stay nice? Just as long as it takes to get you back under his thumb... and not a moment more. He is setting you up... don't fall for it. If not for your own sake, than for the sake of your son. |
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thank you nobodysfool, i know you are right. i just feel as i'm being brainwashed and i just need to get on this board a keep hearing these things. thank you |
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Yes, beegee, that's it exactly: brainwashing.
Did you ever watch Star Trek? Do you remember the Borg--they were sort of a cross between humans and machines, and they thought with a communal "hive mind"? When they assaulted a new victim, the thing they always said was, "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." That's what these Ns do: bulldoze their way into our lives, our homes, our families and force us into submission to their cruel domination. They don't (willingly) take no for an answer.
But we don't have to give in to them. If we do, we are always sorry. Think of your sweet child and JUST SAY NO. |
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beegee, He is waiting for the day he has you completly fooled again. Waiting for the day that you smile, tell him you love him and everything is okay. Waiting for the day that you trust him again. Then, you will find he turns even worse than he was before. You will be punished not only for leaving him, but for coming back to him. If an avenue to hurt you is through your child, be aware that is an avenue he will also use to hurt you. There is no cure for NPD, beegee. You have a professional telling you he has NPD. He cannot rise above it, you cannot help him to rise above it, a professional cannot help him to rise above it. I understand you want to believe this behavior is real, you hope it is, maybe you are making a mistake in not giving him a chance since he is being so sincere, but the truth of the matter is he will revert back the minute it is safe to do so. You will wind up being hurt all over again and unfortuanately, so will your child. This is the most gut-wrenching part of these relationships, when they act like they've changed because YOU are important to them enough that they realize the error of their ways, etc. Ask any member here what happened when they went through the same exact thing you are going through now. Ask the ones who did go back, who did believe, who did hope he'd changed. Not one of them will tell you they didn't wind up hurt again and have to start the healing process all over. |
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Beegee
He has not changed and he will not change. Protect your child, let this guy go so that you have a chance to find a truly loving, caring adult who will be good to your child.
Narcissists don't love--they don't even "love" their own children. Children are competition for the n in his search for supply.
When I told my nh I wanted a divorce he walked away with out a backward glance, without a word of discussion or explanation, not only from his relationship with me, his wife of 35 years, but also his relationship with our three adult children--including his child from his first marriage. He doesn't call them, he doesn't visit them, he ignores them even on their birthdays.
They are devastated by the breakup of their family and want their father to explain himself. They are not interested in a superficial "relationship" with a father where they have to pretend everything is just fine when it's not.
The nh's way of dealing with this is to simply ignore his kids.
HIS kids.
It was seeing the nh basically abandon his own children that made me realize just exactly how deep his depravity and self-absorption went. It's a bottomless pit, beegee.
This guy you're involved with may one day pretend to be interested in or warm to your child. But it will be an act. Underneath he feels about your child exactly what my stbxnh feels towards his very own biological children: NOTHING.
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BeeGee, Something that doesn't often get explicitly talked about on here -- because there's so MUCH to talk about with these people -- is conquest. Ns are very competitive and power hungry. Thus, they have a large need for conquest. Once they've obtained their prey, you're toast. Don't be his toast. Or toaster. |
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Thanks so much for all your replys. I know deep down you are so right. It is just so hard when he is being so kind and seems so sincere. It was so much easier when he was a jerk that acted like he didn't care. I wish he would act that way now. I guess he knows me that well. Is it possible that he thinks he loves me like he says? He just so acts like he is sincere. And what is sad is I know it really doesn't matter for I'm not going to allow him to hurt my child again. He can hurt me, but not him. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I could just stop caring for him period. |
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| | | From: KIMBO958 | Sent: 11/11/2008 10:40 a.m. |
BG. Yes. It is hard when they are nice. But you can't live waiting for the shoe to fall. It will fall again. It is better to slowly remove yourself. Respond less to him. Don't always be there. Slowly get your life back because as we all know the light at the end of the tunnel is not a light. It is a train. Be careful and try to get out before the train wrecks. Take it from someone who has been and is still there. Kimbo. |
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Oh beegee, just wait for it. This is a double edged sword situation, like most when it comes to N's.
If you take him back -> he will be nice to you for awhile and then go right back to the way he used to be. Now, I obviously don't know him so depending on his willpower it may be a week or it may be a few months until he has "turned back" but he will. Definitely.
If you don't take him back -> watch him fly into a rage and that he will turn on you like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.
It's all just a matter of time. |
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| | | From: HopeYet | Sent: 14/11/2008 9:03 p.m. |
Hi BG I'm new here but I'm not new to step-families and all that entails.
Please, please listen to what all the others are saying.
For the sake of your child if not for you (because deep down you still feel he can make you happy).
He will say ANYTHING you want to hear to get his way. Believe me - I've had years of this.
He WON'T and CAN'T EVER have any feeling for your son - he will just be IN THE WAY.
Please don't put him through that, or yourself.
Think of him as as a sniggering monster with horns - because that's what he is - just looking for a soft enough victim to feed off.
They can fool anybody. You've had one dose. The next will be twice as toxic. Run - disappear - never put your son through cruelty again. Take care. X HY |
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| I had a similar experience where it got to the stage where I didn't have the XN in my house or around my children.Kids aren't stupid they know whats going on and this behaviour is hurting your child who needs acceptence and love, not this treatment. My XN was also very kind. The kindest man I have been with. However it came with a price. I have lost my daughter because of him who is now with her father. The releationship conditions you have with this man are also well for me I was selfish and didn't think of my children. These men are dangerous and it deosn't take long before they are back to the Jekle and Hide as was said. Run as fast as you can . It only gets worse when you go back. |
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| Your son needs love. Love is the foundation that will begin early for him and give him a bright happy future. Please just keep this N out for his sake, Kids are so innocent. They cant speak up for themselfes and will gladly tolerate second best. Sorry to sound so blunt. All the best for you and you know you will be stong enough for your own precious child. |
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