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| | From:  ivyalmighty (Original Message) | Sent: 13/11/2008 5:23 p.m. |
Seriously, boys & girls. CRAY-ZEE. The past two weeks, I want to say 3 weeks but maybe it's just been such hell that it feels like three weeks... Anyway, past two weeks she has been MISERABLE. Just TERRIBLE. A tyrant to her sister, snatching, screaming, always predicting the negative "But if I do X, Sissy will do (insert negative behavior of your imagination here) to me!" ALWAYS the victim. NEVER taking responsibility.. Hey, DD7, why don't you wait and see what Sissy will do, instead of predicting negative behavior, thereby planting the seed in her 4yo head that she should even do something negative to you!! A terror in the mornings... the second she wakes up, sniffly & unconsolable & teary about her clothes (It doesn't look right. These pants make my legs look fat. WTF???), her shoes (my socks don't feel right! I can't tie my shoes the same! I hate the way these sound on the floor!) her hair (it's too puffy/flat/high/low/dark/light). EVERYTHING. And this goes on until the moment she goes to bed. The first few days, I tried giving her space, lots of hugs, asking her what's wrong.. talked to her about just having "the blues" and being able to take time out in her room if she feels cranky (instead of inflicting it on us all!). She can't give any concrete reasons for this craziness. I ask her, and she actually makes things up to try to explain why she is so upset all the time? Says a classmate picked on her for her pants making her legs look fat (funny, the same comment she made to me) and eventually admits that no one said that. Says she has no friends at school. When questioned, admits actually she is the most popular girl in her class (really, not talking up my kid but she is quite the hit this year). Says she hates her clothes. I offer to pull out of her closet every single thing that she dislikes, and of course she doesn't wanna do that! I mean, she is even getting frustrated & crying because her pencil won't write the way she wants it to! Words/letters look fine to me?! I have never been a big believer in childhood depression, feel like maybe it does exist but it's a label like ADD that gets tossed around way to lightly. But I don't know what else this could be??? Her handwriting has deteriorated in class, her teacher has commented that it's illegible. I ask her to write more neatly, and she writes one word neatly and then it's back to scribble. She isn't doing her homework without being stood over, it used to be she LOVED homework, she is an attention hog, so she LOVES being teacher's pet. Not now. The other night, we go over her spelling words, she misspelled 4/8. THen she tells me, "IT DOESN'T MATTER" if she gets them wrong on the test!!! That she'll be happy with a "G" (equiv of a low B/C) instead of an "O" (equiv of A+ or solid B)... what has happened???!!! When 4, she was dx'd as Reactive Attachment Disorder, due to the violence & recurring sudden loss of relationships (pets, 8 moves, a grandma who was caretaker, etc) during my relationship with NBioDad. She was in hardcore therapy for almost a year, and really turned the corner. Now, with these temper tantrums, it's like we're back at age 3-4. Only then, at least she still cared about doing well at school & wasn't so image-centered! I told her last night, GEE, If you spent half as much time worrying about how your handwriting looks, as you do how your outfit looks, I think your world would be a much happier place right now! I have asked the teacher & there is NO bullying happening at school, and her mood at school is not as EVIL (LOL) as it is at home. DH suggested to her that maybe she should start going to be half an hour earlier (8 instead of 8:30) since maybe she is just exhausted. He said it as a kind of joke, thinking she would of course protest. She readily agreed. Any suggestions? Giving her more attention just seemed to fuel the drama. Being spanked is a no-no b/c with the RAD, she actually feels more comfortable (subconsciously) with a level of violence & we DO NOT want to reinforce that. Being grounded, well there's nothing to ground from. It's winter so it's dark by 4:30 when she's home from school. We rarely allow TV anyway and don't even own video games. The only thing to ground her from would be reading books, and that's counterproductive when she's stopped caring about school! What do I do??? She is acting like a hormonal teenager but she is nowhere near puberty! ((We eat an all-organic diet so there is no chance of early onset puberty from hormones in food)) |
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OH and we've worked very hard to monitor the messages she gets about self/womanhood. This sudden concern about looking "fat" and not looking right is just so out-there. The other kids in her class, they all look like second-graders, it's not like they're dressing like supermodels and she doesn't fit in. Also we have always talked about eating and exercise in terms of how they make your body STRONG and HEALTHY, not in terms of staying a certain shape or weight. I'm just shocked by all this. Does this body conscious thing start as early as seven?? |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 13/11/2008 6:01 p.m. |
Hi Ivy. Have you tried mirroring her behaviour _ie repeating her whiney words back to her? Just like any canya, getme, gimme kid. So, repeat her whiney words right back at her verbatim or sing this....  Oh gloom despair and agony on me Deep dark depression excessive misery If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all Oh gloom despair and agony on me so sing this old ditty from Hee Haw and let her blow a hissy and let her know you aren't taking her bait. That's just plain old fashioned good parenting, right? Are you getting parent management training? Thoughts on Parent Management Training Parent Management training: Evidence, Outcomes, and Issues by Alan E. Kazdin, PhD
J. Am. Acad. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 36:10 1349-1356.
Positive reinforcement is the key concept and consists of providing social (attention, praise) and sometimes token reinforcers (points or stars with backup value) for behaviour. Mild punishment is also used as a consequence (eg, brief time-out, loss of tokens or privileges), although for several reasons (eg deleterious side effects of punishment), these play a subservient role to positive reinforcement.
Characteristics of Treatment �?Treatment is conducted primarily with the parent(s) who implement several procedures at home. The parent(s) meet with a therapist, who teaches them to use specific procedures to alter interactions with their child, to promote prosocial behaviour, and to decrease deviant behaviour. Parents are trained to identify, define and observe problem behaviors in new ways. PMT has led to marked improvements in child behaviour on parent and teacher reports of deviant behaviour, direct observation of behaviour at home and at school, and institutional records (eg school truancy, police contacts, arrest rates, institutionalization).
Factors that Contribute to Treatment Outcome - Considerable attention has been devoted to identifying parent and family characteristics that contribute to outcome. Family socio-economic disadvantage, marital discord, high parental stress and low social support, single-parent families, harsh punishment practices, and parent history of antisocial behaviour predict (1) who remains in treatment; (2) the magnitude of change among those who complete treatment; and (3) the extent to which changes are maintained at followup. Those families at greatest risk often respond to treatment, but the magnitude of effects is attenuated as a function of the extent to which these factors are present. Among child characteristics, more severe and chronic antisocial behaviour and comorbidity predict reduced responsiveness to treatment. Coping Techniques - The N/P child |
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With the RAD, we have been advised against doing anything that can be an escalation of the behavior. Instead, when she gets whiny/cry-ish, "I'm sorry, I can't understand when you're talking like that. Please come back later when you're able to talk in a big-kid voice." Also, when whining "Does whining ever help you get your way" (kid of course says no) so your response is "Then don't do it." It has worked for the past 3 yrs, since we started implementing, back when therapy first started! We have never "taken the bait" during her fits... she does not get ANY interaction, not even the extra hugs & cuddles I was talking about, until she is calm, collected, and not in the feeling-sorry-for-myself mode. It's just so frustrating because it's like the time between hissy fits is getting shorter and shorter and now it's just one long fit all morning & night. The method you mention, while it wasn't called that, is basically what we went to a special parenting class for. It was put on by DD's counselor, for a group of the parents whose kids had similar issues (ODD, RAD, etc). Basically, put positive reinforcement into high gear, and combine that with practice conforming. The conformance exercises are what really kick the kid back into the right place, mentally. Ex, out of nowhere, telling child "do 20 jumping jacks." "Touch your toes 10 times" randomly throughout the day. Mid-conversation, while getting dressed, whatever they're doing they have to stop & do a short exercise stint for you, then go back to what they're doing. It gets them in the habit of doing what you ask w/o thinking. THe kids see it as a game, don't realize they are having their defiance tendencies undercut  We had really great training, and to this day still use it. But the issue is just so different now. It's not tantrums about being left alone, or picking up the one last block on the floor, or bedtime. It's just a constant misery about EVERYTHING, especially physical appearance and being judged. That combined with the loss of interest in schoolwork. And it's so sudden. She started off the year great, just like every other year. Loves her teacher, loves her class, hung work up all over the fridge.. |
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| | | From: femfree | Sent: 13/11/2008 6:56 p.m. |
Hi Ivy. You got excellent information ie With the RAD, we have been advised against doing anything that can be an escalation of the behavior. Instead, when she gets whiny/cry-ish, "I'm sorry, I can't understand when you're talking like that. Please come back later when you're able to talk in a big-kid voice." Basically, put positive reinforcement into high gear, and combine that with practice conforming. The conformance exercises are what really kick the kid back into the right place, mentally. Ex, out of nowhere, telling child "do 20 jumping jacks." "Touch your toes 10 times" randomly throughout the day. Mid-conversation, while getting dressed, whatever they're doing they have to stop & do a short exercise stint for you, then go back to what they're doing. It gets them in the habit of doing what you ask w/o thinking. THe kids see it as a game, don't realize they are having their defiance tendencies undercut We had really great training, and to this day still use it. That is gold .... I suggest returning to these people with your new problems for some ideas. I'm hoping DDs counsellor will also have these excellent suggestions. There's so much external pressure on kids these days that parents jobs, even with the most normal; of kids are challenged. Also, I know at our church that there are counsellors there that, even if they don't have the specific training, can put you in the right direction for professioanal help as they know the contacts. Hugs femfree |
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Ivy, Just a thought, but is it possible she could be not feeling well? Maybe a cold or a virus of some sort that is playing havoc with her but doesn't present with any obvious symptoms like a runny nose or something? Also, at this age, they go through growth spurts, and I know when my son would go through one of these growth spurts, he was exhausted. Maybe the earlier bed time is really a good idea? Is there someone at school maybe who is being mean to her and she isn't talking about it? Just food for thought Ivy. I hope this behavior of her's stops soon. |
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