Hi AT,
You are riding on a maniacal merry-go-round and the thing is-you need to get off.
So why can't you? That is the question. What occurs to me is that you are, on some level, unconsciously getting something from this situation. I don't mean this as a criticism but to try to get to the root of why you can't just dump this toxic beast.
I know it can be very difficult to accept that we may be getting something from a painful, dismal, bad situation but that is how it works many times. He has not put a gun to your head and forbade you to leave. You are playing this game as a type of choice. Why would you choose this?
Have you been in any kind of therapy? If not, you need to be. You need to start, if you already haven't, to rummage around in that old FOO-that family of origin. Most of these kinds of things start there. Never underestimate the kinds of perverse, hidden, secretive, awful, legacies, drives, defenses, suppressed wishes, injunctions and just basic horrible psychological cr@p that is still brewing deep down inside. You know, in the unconscious there is no time, so something could have happened thirty or forty years ago and still be as active and strong as if it was yesterday.
Could you have a deep need to be punished? Or to sacrifice yourself to another? There is a reason why you are allowing this man to treat you this way. Do you feel that's all you deserve?
Whatever it is-the first thing you have to do is go NO CONTACT with him. He is poison-he has a toxic orbit and as long as you are in it, you cannot think straight. Frankly to me he sounds utterly reprehensible and foul-not anything I would like to be around.
What he is doing to you, with the hot and cold, the nice and nasty is basically a form of TORTURE. Why are you allowing yourself to be tortured. Did someone torture you as a child?
You need to answer these questions and then your need for this man will drop from you like a bad habit.
Post, read, educate yourself here on the board, keep on keepin' on. Knowledge is power. You CAN get out of this situation if you set your face like flint and persist. Don't give up! And try posting on the new site now-that is where the action is now. Do you know where it is-runboard.com
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