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Can anyone recommend a book on narcissistic siblings? I have a sister who has all the symptoms and am now, as usual, on her hit list because the last time we had contact, she flew into a rage when I questioned some of her peculiar behavior (ignoring my presence). Anyhow, to make a long story short, I'm now an outcast from the remainder of my family and staying away from her means that I must stay away from my family as she seems to be and has been long running a smear campaign against me to them. And their acceptance of her fictions as fact I can only attribute to their fear. Fear caused by a grandmother (their mother) who I believe had the same NPD that my sister has. I would very much like to read something about this disorder and how it affects the lives of siblings who have to deal with it in a brother or (in my case) a sister. Can anyone recommend anything. There seems to be a dearth of readily available information on the subject. |
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I am not sure of any books, but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry you have to go thru all of this. I do not have any contact with my family and its kinda hard, but I know for my own sanity, it is the right thing to do. Nice to meet you, justmee |
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Hi. I have 4 daughters but thankfully only 1 is N/P. N/P daughter is a monster but none of us really know to what extent these people are as they are until we become their victims. I used to think that my daughter was just very headstrong.they never come to you and say,"I made her./his life a total misery etc cos I did...............(whatever)" You see the aftermath of what they did and wonder why anybody would ever put up with such behaviour. We are taught to listen to our kids and believe them. N/P here would come home from school and say even the teachers were bullying her etc and how miserable they were making her. Truth was that it was N/P here who was the bully.even bullying her teachers.and her chosen victims were always someone she considered a worthy opponent.......never someone who was timid and shy. I really thought this was a teenage growing thing and that N/P would calm down .after exams etc or whatever it was that was obviously causing her stress. No one will say.........your kid has a personality disorder, or did you get a psychiatric report of your kid....no one is willing to point you in the right direction. I thought I was immune from N/Ps actions and that by talking to her and telling her that her behaviour was unacceptable and how she was hurting some people etc then we could move forwards........all I ended up doing was showing her where she had scored direct hits so indirectly, she got worse. Then it was my turn.........she targetted me...and I found this site and used the valuable information I found here to understand what was really going on. Its been a minefield. Just now we are in NC since she ran last year without a forwarding address.....and its fine, and peaceful without her. |
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It seems that MALICOUS SELF LOVE is the current favorite and it is excellent. Be prepared to spend Big Bucks though even though it is a paperback. (600 pages) It was written by Sam Valknin, ISBN #8023833847. It retails for $44.95, Barnes and Noble can order it for you. I am sorry to say that I am in the same boat and more. If you ever want to talk you can email me. Blessings and Good Luck |
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I never read a book, but my sister was an out of control N. I simply cut her off. She went nuts and trashed me to my whole family. Lots of pressure. My mom, who can be N-ish (but is not full blown NPD) threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't speak to her. I said "Fine, I guess I won't be speaking to you then. Have fun talking to NSis [who drives her crazy] instead!" This took about 4 months. She apologized. Then went and did some crazy $hit all over again, screaming abuse etc. I cut her off again. For almost a year, maybe longer. I even went to a large family event and ignored her completely. After that, she called and said she would do whatever she had to do to get along. I asked for an apology and for her to explain what she did. She couldn't remembre of course, but I told her and had her repeat it back to me and explain why it was awful. She did it. And has been very "good" ever since-- for several years. On some levels, being much younger than me, she has always been dependent on me (although often very difficult and aggressive she had never targeted me before.) SHe knows that I will happily never see her again if she acts out. Also, this 2 year long process taught my Mom that i would be all too happy to NC her too if necessary. She is scared of Nsis and is terrified of being left alone with her, I think. They both need me more than I need them. I just will not take anymore Bull**** from my family. I do not know how much Nsis has changed fundamentally....maybe she channels all of that old stuff into work and personal relationships (friends etc) now. But she doesn't mess with me anymore. She is charming and funny and friendly. It can happen again at any time. But she knows what I will do. So that's her choice. Good luck. Liz But seriously, not to sound like a broken record, negotiation and explanation are impossible here. NC and commitment to it is the ONLY answer |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 6 of 16 in Discussion |
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OMG, I have never met, or heard of anyone else having a Nsis like me until now! I thought I must be the only person in the whole world who struggled with this. I too, had to walk away from my dearly loved parents because I could no longer live with, or accept, her behaviour and it was deemed ALL MY FAULT! They were totally convinced that she was perfect and I was horrible, neatly avoiding the fact that several other family members had wiped her out of their lives as well (but then that was blamed on me influencing them). However, 7yrs later, and after lots of therapy and attending AA and Alanon, I now know how and when to set and maintain my boundaries and to speak MY truth without fear of retribution. I discovered that N's are bullies and I 'allowed' myself to be bullied. NOT ANYMORE. She's the one scared of me now, scared of my truths, my principles and my fearlessness. Its not the outcome I would have liked and it is out of character for me to be so agressive, but, damn it, it works! My parents have also come to realise the emotional damage she has caused in our family and my feelings and my truths are now validated by them. We tolerate her, we actually still love her, but we keep a healthy distance. Fifi p.s. 5 other family members still refuse to have her in their lives under any circumstances e.g. she was not invited to a family wedding recently. |
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cogito, How did you arrive at a place where n-sis is afraid of you? I wonder if I could make N-MIL afraid of me if it would stop her from vandalizing my stuff. Fluff |
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LOL fluffinup re: asking me how did I get her scared of me! Most N's operate under stealth, secrecy and are conspiratorial; they thrive on messing with ppl's heads, are masters of manipulation and known for leaving no witnesses (except the victim) and can only do their work by instilling fear (all abuse is protected by silence born of fear). My Nsis is an expert in manipulating ppl so that they all turn on eachother then she sits back and watches the emotional mayhem with malicious delight. So, after attending Alanon (I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with dangerous ppl in their lives), I began making a major shift in my personal boundaries. I DID NOT at any stage directly confront her - instead I 'loudly' recounted all the 'altered communications' I was now having with certain ppl in my life - some of them I simply removed from my life, some I confronted face-to-face, to others I made it clear how things were going to be from now on by discussing what I had learned at Alanon in front of them (they got the msg pretty quickly!). EVERY SINGLE TIME someone, anyone, in my life pissed me off, I went into Alanon program-mode and I stood my ground no matter what the consequences were and some of them were quite messy  then I'd tell Nsis the whole story of what I said/did, what they said/did, what I said/did back and how I won etc or to someone else but always when she was within earshot. I confront anyone now when if I suspect they are lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulating, bullying - NO MORE secrets or silence, especially NO MORE silence or secrets in my family - I won't tolerate it ever again. Damn, has she crawled back in her hole! |
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| my two favorite blogs -- wealth of information |
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My brother is the full blown N, the golden child and my parents back him up. We all know that they helped to create him.
I'm planning a trip home (to MN) in Jan. I now live in OR. My sweet grandma's will both be 91 in 2008, and I want my trip to be full of them. I'll be staying with one grandma, and visiting the other in the nursing home.
I have no contact with my N-bro. I have limited contact with my parents. They both live within a 1/2 mile of Grandma. "The Family Farm" scene I was never allowed to be part of. I will have contact with my family, no doubt about it. I've decided, basically, to take no BS. My Dad likes to take me aside and complain about my Nbro. This time, I just want to shut dad down. No more....Mom and Dad would take the food off my table to give to my Nbro, and have tried in the past. I had to accept that my family acts like a$$hol&s to my husband, my kids and I. What do you do with A$$hol&s? Stay away from them. This is the message I want to convey to my FOO.
I'm a fellow alanoner also. It's been a few years, but I have yet to earn my blackbelt with these people. 2 yrs ago, i lived with Grandma, giving the whole family another stab at me, because "I had changed". yeah....but they didn't. I truely thought it was more about me than them...NOT! It's all about them, all the time. And in the real world, I steer clear of those people.
So, for the next few months, I'll be role playing in my head, the things I'd like to respond with. Any suggestions? I plan on simply using "Truth" as my weapon of choice. And doing my best to limit contact. I plan on no direct contact with my brother. Simply ignoring him.
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| | | From: Susan503 | Sent: 10/10/2007 2:45 p.m. |
Thank you so much for posting these links.It's always good to read more information.They were enlightening.  |
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Cogito, Thanks for the information. You hit the nail on the head in describing NMIL's M.O. You described the whole problem perfectly. Is there an Al-Anon book you can buy to learn how to go into "Al-Anon program mode" I would love to be able to confront the lies. I have tried that in the past and you can't argue with Ns at least not NMIL. You might as well bang your head against the wall, plus, she loves the attention and getting you upset. But she has destroyed a bunch of family and friend relationships, I wish I could set them straight, although they say you can't because Ns have already layed the groundwork to make your defensive statements seem false. Fluff |
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| | From:  puppy180 | Sent: 30/06/2008 12:28 a.m. |
| My sister is a narcissist and has stolen a lot of money from me. My parents refuse to accept or believe what i tell them and they lie to me about things concerning my sister. It makes me feel very alone, like I have no family anymore. I was surprised to find others who had parents the same as mine. What do I do? My parents are old and they won't be there much longer and I love them, but I also feel angry at them for not believing me. |
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There is strength in being alone, Puppy. NC allows you not to have your boundaries over-stepped, and as soon as you initiate NC and stick to it, she won't go near you. It's a threat to narcissists to go NC- because they finally get to see your own personal power- and they hate it. I'm sorry about your mum and dad- but with narcissists and family- there is a hierarchy, and the N always demands and comes first. She does have power over them, and they will not see her for what she is. I'm really sorry, but you can't make them see that. Try to read some of the extracts from Dr Sam's book- malignant self love- you will find something in there that speaks to you. Take care, Love Kyra xxxxxxx |
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| | | From: puppy180 | Sent: 30/06/2008 2:43 p.m. |
Dear Kyra, Thank you for your reply. It brings tears to my eyes to talk to someone who has experienced this. I will try to get the book you have recommended. What is NC? I wanted to tell you a little more now. My sister worked for my husband and I in our small business. We took her and her children in when she left her husband. We created a job for her doing our books and found out recently that she has stolen over $360,000.00 from our bank accounts. She has left me emotionally and financially damaged and I am having a very hard time with my everyday duties The police are investigating but things are moving very slowly. I fear the big uproar that is going to occur when they go to question her and this may occur very soon. I think she has found out about the police through my parents and is planning on moving far away to try to avoid the authorities. I fear my parents reaction when she goes crying to them. They are always saying "Poor Mary" and they confide to me they are worried that she will have a nervous breakdown. I fear she will leach my parents dry and put them in a nursing home as soon as they are of no further use. Thanks for being there. puppy
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Narcissistic siblings
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kyrajames
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There is strength in being alone, Puppy. NC allows you not to have your boundaries over-stepped, and as soon as you initiate NC and stick to it, she won't go near you. It's a threat to narcissists to go NC- because they finally get to see your own personal power- and they hate it. I'm sorry about your mum and dad- but with narcissists and family- there is a hierarchy, and the N always demands and comes first. She does have power over them, and they will not see her for what she is. I'm really sorry, but you can't make them see that. Try to read some of the extracts from Dr Sam's book- malignant self love- you will find something in there that speaks to you. Take care, Love Kyra xxxxxxx |
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| | | From: puppy180 | Sent: 30/06/2008 3:02 p.m. |
Dear Kyra, Thankyou for your reply. It brings tears to my eyes to talk to someone who has experienced this. I will try to get the book you have recommended. What is NC? Does it mean control?I wanted to tell you a little more now. My sister worked for my husband and I in our small business. We took her and her children in when she left her husband and created a job for her doing our book keeping. We recently found out she has stolen over $360,000.00 from our bank accounts. She has left me financially and emotionally damaged and I am having a hard time with my daily duties and feel anxious, angry, afraid and depressed over what she has done to me and my family.
The police are involved and I fear the uproar that will occur when she is questioned. I thinks she is planning to move away soon to avoid prosecution. Likely my parents have tipped her off. My parents feel sory for "poor Mary" and worry she will have a nervous breakdown. I feel worried she will use my parents until they serve no further purpose and then take their money and dump them in a nursing home. Thanks for being there. Puppy |
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