Wow, Fem, you really taught me something that I hadn't foreseen or thought about.  The fact that she probably has already prepared for exposure.  You are absolutely right about it.  Because for years I just ignored the stuff she does.  On advice of two different therapists I did things back to her to try and get her to stop and that really got her going, she was happier than I'd seen her in years because she actually could say that I did something to her.  She foresaw that, must have planned on it for years, just waiting for me to take the bait.  I am so, so glad you told me about her foreseeing the exposure thing and that she already probably has a plan in place.  I would have just fallen into another trap.  Thank you, you saved me from making the situation worse.

 

That's two light bulbs that went off in my head since you all have replied to my post.  The other was I had forgotten how much I used to like her and care for her and think she was all goodness and innocence.  You all reminded me of that and that that is how her current "audience" is feeling, very committed to her side, very loyal to her, my protestations of innocence would fail in the face of their feelings for her. 

 

Your replies on this post have been so valuable.  I feel very good about what I learned here because I know that only people who have had the experience can give the right advice. When you stated it, I knew it was solid guidance, it rung true.  You all get it.  I am hoping I can get myself to internalize it and not just intellectualize it. 

 

Thank you so much.

 

Fluff

Hi. I felt exactly the same as you do re NC with MIL.its like disrespectful and I always always doubted the absurdity of what I felt was happenning.and I always always questioned my motives.also, this is my H's mother.not mine..the last thing I would have wanted was to alienate my H from his mother and family and worse still cause a rift between H and myself..just as I would have resented if H had caused a rift between me and my parents.

 

MIL is 77. Her family have grown up with her.they know what she is like, they tolerate her in very small doses cos she doesn't target them.they just think she is a bit selfish. abd has some odd ways.... I was targetted. MILs extended family have all warned me about MIL....yet when she started the smears against me, who do you think they all believed?

 

I know MIL for what she is.I see straight through her charade......H also sees it and so do my own  adult children....so that is good enough for me.and if H's family choose sides then thats up to them...I can only control myself and only I can choose what to believe about anything.

 

The rest of the family is still in the grip of MILs tantrums and power struggles.We have been NC for almost 17 years.......really, its the only way. I have tired so many times to  sort things out with MIL...the conclusions I draw are.......she isn't worth it, I haven't lost anything cos there was nothing there to lose as she is an illusion.......and every time I tried to sort things with her, the only thing I ever achieved was to show her where and how to score direct hits againts me.

 

I asked MIL once if she realised that whatever happened   if she continued on the path she was on she would lose my H.her son......all she was interested in was the power struggle. and.she does use  the situation here for sympathy.I think I would have far too much self respect and pride to behave as MIL does.....MIL always washes her dirty linen in public...

The N in our family is my husband's ex-wife.

 

The only technique that works with us is setting firm boundaries followed by minimal contact on his part and NC on my part (unless forced to be in the same place at the same time due to a shared family event).

 

It is being ignored that drives her up the wall, but once we got past the first few upsets, it's the best technique.

 

As to exposing her...no one had to do so.  She had exposed herself over (see above comment) DECADES of her behavior with family and friends.  She has lost so many friends that we've lost count of the people who won't speak to her anymore.  There is absolutely nothing we could say or do that would be as effective as what she's done to herself.

 

Thanks everyone for your input and comments.  Twinkle, I know exactly what you meant when you said it showed her how to score another hit against you.  Ns are like aliens who study humans to learn and adapt.  I've knocked myself up side the head numerous times for saying things to her or in front of her, that then came back to bite me. 

 

The taking decades thing to reveal her I don't think is going to work.  She's already 83 and people are still supporting her.  And, she is only getting stronger in both her ability to charmingly deceive and in her mental/physical health.  I think that now that she has dh and myself to use as bad guys, she's high on it.  She hasn't alienated anyone like Mia's did.  She has a charismatic charm just like described in something I read where it makes a person empathize, sympathize and love her.  I know because I used to feel the same way about her and I used to think the same things about my FIL, that people now think about dh and I.  FIL was in reality the better half.

 

I do NC to the extent possible when you are living with an N, but still, every day I have to face her or her awful behavior... ruining my reputation, ruining my relationships with others, destroying or stealing my belongings, then to have to watch her charm the pants off of friends and family, acting like a cross between Princess Diana, St. Theresa and Elmo, its a challenge to take it in stride.  Sometimes I can ignore everything and even laugh about it.  I try not to waste my life on it.  Other times, I just so want my reputation cleared, I just want her to quit the shenanigans, I so want to tell the world that we are not the bad guys here, we've been set up, bamboozled, framed.  Who would believe us?  Only the people here. 

 

Thank you so much Budgie, Life, Fem, SRB, Sable, Kit, Twinkle and Mia.  I'm so sorry we all have to be here but I'm so glad there's a place to go.

 

Fluff

 

 

 

 

I exposed my Nsis 5 years ago. She is a nasty woman, but to outsiders, she is the perfect friend, to whom people want to confide in - as she loves finding out anyones weak spots, as the 'secrets' can be used as colateral later if need be. When I exposed her - I had to run for the hills, she was so angry, I'm sure, if she had the chance and got away with murder, she would have.......a personal vendetta was aimed at me. She called up my friends, family, and got in touch with people that I had not had contact with, to let them know that I was mentally ill. And on....and on.... I had to move city, home, job etc. People would cross the street rather than talk to me, because my sister had told them lies. 5 years on, and she hasn't forgotten, I still hear through the grapevine. She took my inheritence, as she believed that 'she deserved it more'. Cutting a huge traumatic experience short.........she is becoming a lonely lady, as one by one, people back off. But, she always has a 'victim' close to her. Usually someone with low self-esteem, and never good looking. But I lived to tell the tale!! And I am at peace in my heart. That's a good thing. X 

 

I learned really quick not to talk to people about my NS. Years ago before figuring out she was an N I told mom she was a jekle and hyde.

 

Outside of the house she was this sweet thing that everybody loved even to other family members.

 

So when I finally figured it out there was no way of trying to tell others what is wrong with her. They would not've believed me.

 

The only ones that knew she had a problem was my mom and younger sis. My stepdad has just finally last year seen that what we have told him was true.

 

My real dad (NS dad also) has finally told her he does not want to hear about my mom and us. Don't know what she finally said to him for him to say that to her. He used to call me and get upset for something that my mom had supposedly done.

 

I think it takes others to really see it for themselves. I know those that don't know would not believe half of what I have to say about her. So when people ask me how she is doing and such I just say fine and change the subject.

 

I am glad that since last year that more and more of my family are learning about her. I have a few cousins that don't want to talk to her and don't ask about her anymore for something they heard she did to my mom.

It's really sad that they get away with it while the targets who are the real victims suffer.  Since I originally posted this question, I've sort of gotten off the bandwagon of trying to expose her and have come around more to what sable and fem and others here already knew, that it is useless to try.  I read where someone said Ns already have planned the end strategy of the ninth inning while we didn't even know there was a game going on.  That pretty much puts us at an impossible disadvantage.  How they can even think that way (and why would anyone want to?) is beyond me.  What a tremendous waste of thought, time and energy. 

Hi. All MIls family know her for what she is.and turn a blind eye to it. At one point where she was being particularly obnoxious with me, I was told to ignore it and she would find someone else to villify....cos that was what this person always did.

We have had NC with MIL for 16 years now and its the only way......she never lived with us though, don't know how would I would  get my head round that one.

I was the one that took the stand against MIL.so I was the one that got the blame for being " not quite right in the head" yet they all knew her for what she is.

 

MIL sits in her house now without a friend in the world....she has been lonely all her life yet always blamed the rest of the world for it.

 

It is sad that you have to cut a family member out of your life yet sometimes its the only way we can survive.