I left my husband of almost 3 years (4 1/2 years together total) last week. There is no doubt in my mind at all that he is a narcissist. He's so terribly predictable and unthreatening now. Thank goodness I'm out of that, but I'm left with many unanswered questions.... How did this happen?

 

I didn't fully make the connection between my N husband and my mother until I was fielding phone calls from both of them advising me not to do what I was doing and expressing disappointment in the decisions I was making. My husband directly related this "mistake" to my bad judgment and "craziness." My mother just didn't get it. She just didn't think it was the right thing to do. She was quite frustrated that I should leave the city when I moved there to get my doctorate and I still had that to do even before the N came into my life. (I'm actually continuing with my degree, but as I am almost done, I don't need to be on campus) I was experiencing the same emotions as I tried to defend my decision to her as I did with so much of what I went through with the N.

 

The morning I left my husband for good, my mother sent me a text message saying, "Please read email." I had no time to do this, but I checked anyway and saw that she had written a very long email that I was able to get the gist of in about 1 1/2 seconds. She said I should stay. Don't sell your car. Continue to visit the dog at his house. Finish your degree IN the city. Move in with the two friends who've been kindly allowing me to stay temporarily with them. On and on. Wow. And what I needed more than anything was, "I know today's going to be hard, but you can do it. I trust the decisions you've made and I support you whether I agree or understand or not." And this is how it all began some 29 years ago....

 

Both my mother and father have their own issues and it led them to instill anxiety, over-cautiousness, self-doubt and indecisiveness in my brother and I- me in particular as I am first-born and take parent-pleasing to a level my brother never grasped. Every decision in my life from the clothes I wore to the college I went to was contemplated, disected and over-analyzed to the point that I never gained any level of true decision-making and consequences. A few years ago I realized that some of the best decisions of my life have been the ones in direct opposition to my parents' wishes- moving, choosing one school or another, dating a certain person, picking a certain hobby. I think the reason may be is that those are the times where I felt strongly enough about the thing to act in opposition. I felt so strongly about these things perhaps because I my gut yelled loudly enough over the buzz of my parents' admonishments.

 

So, my dad's issues- no brainer: he's an alcoholic tyrant who was screwed over by being born to a woman put into an insane asylum because of a brain injury and being fathered by doctor, janitor, or another patient (who knows?) He spent the first 18 months of his life in foster care and then grew up as the oldest of four boys, pretty much running the household because his parents were- I hate to say it- not as bright and motivated as him. So he took care of them and his brothers. He calls himself a "mule pulling a cart" (supposedly jokingly), with his family and with ours. He plays the martyr and sees himself as MORE than deserving to drink himself into a stupor every single night to cope with this tragic lot in life.

 

My mom's a little more complicated. She was also the oldest of four and since their family was really poor, my mom was responsible for the childcare, cooking and cleaning. This escalated when her mother left her father in the 60's when you just didn't do that and her mom was never at home because she had to work 3 different jobs. A few years ago, I found out that my mother had been molested by an uncle or someone's boyfriend or something (no details) and I suddenly understood the important lessons she taught me about personal boundaries with boys to the point I was known as an "ice queen bitch" in high school.

 

What other identity would either of them have besides being in control and making the decisions? One request out of the ordinary (ex. to stay out all night for my senior prom) was drawn-out to the point that I often regretted even requesting such a thing. They were trying to be fair, but it just amounted to them projected all their issues on me as they worked through it themselves. No matter the issue, big or small, my initial thoughts were edited, re-vamped and shaped . I would be so worn out by their on-and-off lecture for days, that I just accepted what I could and was thankful. If I were a stronger person I guess I'd just do things without their permission and rebel as a normal teenage should. But my parents were also the BEST at emotional blackmail. They made it an agregious error to act in deception, yet to function as a normal teenager I became quite adept at lying by ommision of truths or stretching truths. I will never forget my mom saying, "If you lie to us, we won't be able to trust you. Then, it will be hard for us to believe what you say from then on." While appropriate for an adolescent, it wasn't for the 4-5 year old kid I was when I learned that. Enough complaining and ranting....

 

The point is that I can see how my family environment shaped me to fit well with an N.  During the planning of our wedding, I became so incredibly depressed trying to please both them and the N. At the rehearsal there was a descrepancy in something and both my dad and the N showed their asses while attacking at me for not being totally honest with either of them. It's my fault though. I should be thankful I am marrying someone who will tolerate that about me.

 

But, my mom... acting the way she did that morning when I needed support more than anything and she felt it more important to tend to her own anxiety about what was going on in my life than to put it aside and just support me... Is that narcissism? Is it possible to be the perfect victim (dependent) for an N without having experienced narcissism within their environment growing up? How else does one come to accept that they aren't to trust their judgment if they don't grow up with constant evidence that they can't? I don't think a person is just born that way.

 

I am asking philosophically here; I'm actually a dissertation away from a doctorate in clinical psychology, so at this point, it's introspective for myself. I understand the in's and out's, but not myself. Not MY in's and out's.