I've joined the group you linked, and have reposted in that forum as well.

 

Yes, he does have a cell phone.  I work a full time job and we don't have a home phone, so the idea of the cell phone was designed to make a way for communication while I am at work, and to have him call me when he leaves for school and gets home, or if he is doing something after school - which he does with no problem. And, in response to the previous poster - he is doing very well in school, he gets good grades (A's and B's in advanced level classes), and is very popular and well-liked.  He participates in classes and clubs and plays sports usually after school, and has no problems there either.

 

 It's after I get home (about 1/2 hour - 1 hour after he does)that the problems start.  The benefit of the cell phone is that it does give me some leverage for discipline by taking it away. That is the thing that affects him the most and gets the point across quicker than anything. I hesitate to forbid him from doing his school events because I feel better about knowing that he is in a safe environment doing something productive, rather than sitting at home by himself, or wandering around somewhere. Taking the phone away permanently would work for about a week before he became completely incorridgable and uncontrollable, and then I would also lose the control of being able to check on him during the day.

 

 As far as "enabling him"  - I do discipline him, and that's what causes the fights.  As long as he thinks something is his idea, and he is in control, then he's fine.  He has the attitude that the world "owes" him something, and that he is invincible -  not as a normal teenager, but to an extreme level, which is a classic symptom of NPD. I do admit that there have been minor issues that I let go because I really honestly did not feel that it was worth a knock-down drag out fight for, and everytime I tell him to do ANYTHING (eat your dinner, pick up your clothes PLEASE -it is a major battle unless he is allowed to do it when HE wants and in HIS own way. If I tell him to take out the trash(for example), he will do it without arguing IF he is allowed to decide when, or he will only take out one bag instead of two with no problem, but tell him to take out the second bag and we're off to the races again ("no, I don't want to" or "not right now".) The rule is that if I have to tell him to do it, then he is to do it when I tell him, not when and how he decides, and that's when the fight starts. He will look at me and say "rules are made to be broken - and you will NEVER break my spirit!"

 

His dad is the same way, I remember one time he didn't pay the electric bill, and then got mad at the power company for turning off the lights.  He told them "I will pay when I feel like it" - and they flipped the switch...go figure. Point is - to this day it is their fault for turning it off, not his for not paying, because they should have known he would pay it when he wanted to, and not before then.  As he always says "people don't tell me what to do, I tell them!".  This is what NPD/P Personalities truly believe to be the way it should be.  But, back to the subject.

 

 When my son was in grade school he would try to push the rules because he would do great work, but only if he could stand at his desk instead of sit.  If they tried to force him to sit, he'd end up in the principal's office, and I'd get a phone call to pick him up.  He did get a teacher that would "accomodate" him after a while, and as soon as he realized he "won", there were no other problems in school, and he sits at a desk with no problems now.  It's all about him doing it HIS way. If he chooses to sit, then he has no problem sitting.  Another reason I think he is NPD and/or P.

 

 

BUT if there is something he can gain from doing it - you don't even have to ask.  He actually did the laundry without being told the other day because his favorite hoodie was dirty and he wanted to wear it the next day, and I wasn't home to wash it. Of course, he just washed HIS clothes - but, hey,,,,at least I didn't have to.  And if I would have said "why didn't you do the rest of the clothes?" - here we go again.  So, instead I have to listen to him brag about how great he is because he washed his clothes and say "good job" - another one of those things that got "let go." Because if I said anything about the other clothes - even in an offhanded, nice way, like, "thank you for doing that, maybe next time you could do a full load" - it becomes "look, now you're mad at me for doing the laundry." and he flies off into a rage.  I am the BAD guy for questioning him when he does something good.  That's the manipulation game.

 

 We've been battling for years, but it has definitely gotten worse as he is hitting puberty.  So, you can call it enabling if you want, but I think if I was enabling him, I would simply take his dads advice and "just get the hell out of his way and let him do what he wants" without trying to correct him, teach him, or set any boundaries.  People that have seen his fits are the first ones to say "that is not normal". 

 

And, yes, at the age of 12 he does know how to take a shower.  That is sort of the point.  It's not that he doesn't know any better - he does know better, and he simply "gets off" by antagonizing me to the brink of insanity, unless it's his idea to do it, and he's not being told. Unfortunately, if I don't tell him to do it, he will go for a week or longer without taking one. So, in a sense he is in control because he knows I am going to tell him to take one, and then he has a reason to antagonize me.   He was more than happy to take the shower, as long as he got what he wanted first, because he couldn't LOSE. That's what makes me think he is NPD/P. 

 

Anyway,  thank you for your comments.