NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY

It is all about perception, isn't it? How the world looks upon them. Did you keep your receipts? The tags off of the clothing? Wow. I never thought of this one. My NP would do this, too. When we split up, sold our house, and put stuff into storage, my boxes for the kids' stuff was clearly marked. He took our 11 year olds sports trophies and said, "Hey, I accidentally took that box. It was not marked. But he didn't take any of our 14 yr olds stuff. That is because she hates him. On his first full weekend with them (after 8 months had gone by), he came into my house and told them to take blankets, pillows, and a damn fan. Then tried to keep the fan! I had to go over and get it. But now, I have been enlightened!!! Thank you!!

Message 11 of 24 in Discussion

From:

thx-rachel

Sent: 7/09/2008 9:37 p.m.

I had a clothing issue recently for the first time with XN, who is also a controller. A shirt S brought for a visit was declared "too garish", and subsequently disappeared before S came home. It was his favorite and he was really disappointed that "it got lost at daddy's".

My solution had two parts. I replaced the missing shirt with THREE more identical shirts, which will not be going back to dad's. This made S happy.

S now has a suitcase which will only be used for dad's. It contains a few older items, thrift shop buys (say $2 and under), and anything XN has bought for S himself. The socks and underwear I send will be the oldest ones he has. All of his favorite clothes and any new clothes I have purchased this fall will be staying here at home in his dresser.

If your situation continues you might send your son to dad's with ONE outfit--the one on his body. He could hardly send him home naked!

Message 12 of 24 in Discussion

From:

newbielibrarian

Sent: 7/09/2008 10:18 p.m.

hi plumfrog

as others have mentioned, this is a common thing for Ns to do. i often had items not returned, from good shoes to jackets to nice shirts. so i did what others have suggested: send my son in not very nice clothes for visits with dad. my son is almost 3 so he doesn't care much about what he wears. as he gets older, i'll have to figure out how to handle this. our pick-ups and drop-offs happen at daycare. N gets overnights with our son every thursday so every friday, our son ends up in school wearing the same clothes as he wore on thursday. it only makes N look bad! the daycare teachers told me that this is a behavior that they see all the time between divorced parents.

so i guess invest in some cheap clothes and hope that some of them will make it back. i know that in today's economy every single penny adds up and this is financially draining but i'd rather do this than confront N about the clothes. he is just waiting for me to break down and i'm trying not to give him that pleasure.

good luck. i know this doesn't help much, but you are not alone in this awful struggle.

newbie

Message 13 of 24 in Discussion

From:

FavoriteTargetofexN

Sent: 9/09/2008 5:29 p.m.

I live this element of the misery too, and my N plays all the games, from emailing right after a pick-up to say that I sent the kids without jackets, etc. when he has kept every jacket I have ever sent them with to the point that I barely have a jacket left for each of my son and my daughter, to sending them back without shoes or in clothes too big or too small for them.

He keeps every article of clothing that I buy for them that I send them with so now I put them in the clothes they come back to me in for each visit. Whatever clothes they are wearing when he returns the kids, I wash and send them back in the same clothes. He easily has kept five jackets from my son and three from my daughter in the last year, including her uniform sweater. I have gotten to the point that I wrap them in a blanket and walk them to his car and then take the blanket off and keep it so that I don't lose another jacket.

He sends them back without jackets, without shoes, etc. all the time!! He feels that it is his right to keep anything I buy for the kids as he pays child support. That is not correct, particularly as he has been delinquent in child support 10 times in the last year and is currently three months delinquent as we head into a hearing at the end of the month where he intends to get the child support reduced.

Neverending with these guys, it is so awful to have to raise children with an ex-N. When does this end or get better?

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Message 14 of 24 in Discussion

Sent: 12/09/2008 12:22 a.m.

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Sent: 12/09/2008 6:10 a.m.

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Message 19 of 24 in Discussion

From: New Years Resolution

Sent: 12/09/2008 9:10 p.m.

I had same problem. My solution. I went to Walmart and shopped the $3-$5 outfits. I bought both my kids 3 outfits for the weekends, and 3 identical pieces of each. It cost me about $100 bucks.

I sent my kids to their Dads for the weekend, and the outfits came back stained horribly, or never were returned, just as everyone else is dealing with.

So, anyways, I sent the outfits, and somehow ExNH forgot to bring their clothes back. I said ok. 2 weeks later he picks them up and I send everything exactly the same as the time before. This time they come back stained.

2 weeks later I sent the identical third set of clothes. When he brought them back, he said what did you do buy out Walmart? I said, no, and quite frankly there is enough Walmarts to keep sending the same outfits for the rest of their lives. Want to keep screwing with me??

Clothing problem suddenly stopped. ExNH now sends clothes home with them that he bought. LOL!! I send those on the visits now.

Guess he thought I couldn't afford anything else for my kids.

Once they realize, that you don't care, they will stop. I think the 3 identical outfit scheme worked, because he realized I had an endless supply of the same outfit so I didn't care what he did to the ones I sent.

PP is right as well. If you send name brand and have your kids dressed to the hilt, N will just take your kid out as a trophy and take full credit for it. Make them responsible.

My lawyer told me that since Ex pays CS I had to supply clean, fitted, nice clothing. So I did. There isn't anything that says it can't be the same outfit. LOL!!

Don't less these guys stress you out. If you keep sending things they think you care about, they will keep taking them.

I realize we all don't have the money to do this, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

Outsmart them. I did the list thing too, and all that did was prove to him, he was ticking me off. He would keep the kids clothes, and send home his GFs kids clothes.

Detach and outsmart them. Then when you go to court, take your duplicate clothes with you, when he tries to say you send dirty damaged clothes, show all your duplicates, and say if that is true, then why in the world would I have to keep buying the same outfits, that you keep or stain up?

Message 20 of 24 in Discussion

From: New Years Resolution

Sent: 12/09/2008 9:15 p.m.

You need to CYA also. Keep your receipts. So when your in court proving your point, ask to be reimbursed for the over and above cost of clothing due to his immaturity and/or ask that you would like to keep this from being an ongoing issue and would like to request that in the future Ex provide all clothing on his visits.

The only way to let a N know your done, is be done. Don't ever expect things will get better, and eventually they will tire of the game. Make the game end. When you have your day, take it to the fullest, it is the only way to end the NS.

Message 21 of 24 in Discussion

From:

BoughtMyOWNGlassSlipper

Sent: 14/09/2008 8:00 p.m.

yes we had this problem too - now SHE sends him down in "FUBU" - our solution, I wash dry and fold his "arrival outfit' on Sat's and he goes home in the same clothes - CLEAN. Never give em something to bitch about - we DID keep his pants with HOLES in the knees - EVIDENCE - but sent him back in DECENT pants from goodwill and the like.

IF his socks are mis-matched or have holes in em - THOSE go right back with him; with the amount of support we're paying, there's no need for US to supply the child with new name brand or with our UN-hole-y clothes.

Hope this tip helps. It's a lot of extra work, but he goes back to her place with clean, albeit hole-y stuuf he wears down here. TG for a woking washer and dryer!