Fear Lives In My Belly excerpted from: The Dandelion Spirit By: M.L. Gallagher www.dandelionspirit.com Fear is a tiny seed nurturing the germ of anxiety pitted in my belly, rumbling up through my mind, pounding away at my senses to let it have voice. It aches when I attempt to move away. It stretches and expands to encompass the space I just left. It erodes my peace of mind, disrupts my dreams and ruffles the calm waters of life upon which I sail when I flow within me. Fear breathes fear, self-igniting, perpetuating itself, feeding upon itself as I struggle to breathe through it to be free of it. Fear exists within me and keeps me from knowing freedom without fear. I have to write of fear for fear jumped up and scared me this weekend. I met it, head on, crashing into myself, crying, thrashing, pounding my mental fists upon my mind as I held myself accountable for feeling fearful. I feel fear. I know fear. I live it. For weeks I have struggled to move out from beneath the weight of my fear that he will come looking for me. For weeks I have known peace of mind as I took the steps necessary to create a safety perimeter around my daughters and myself, to hold us in loving arms of security, in spite of the winds blowing around us. And then he blew into my fences and toppled my peace of mind. I was at the park, walking 'the Pooch'. The week before I had seen him driving in too close proximity to my home. I reported the sighting as per my agreement with the parole liaison office and left it at that. Do you think he was looking for you the parole liaison asked me? I don't know, I replied. I don't think so, but I don't know. And then the following Friday night I saw him, driving along the street that parallels my favourite park where I walk the pooch. There is no reason to be on that street other than for residents or park visitors. It is out of the way. Not a logical through street. I knew he was looking for me. I left the park and stopped by friends. “I'm so glad you dropped by�? my friend said. "We were trying to call you." And then she told me something that made my stomach curl into itself like acid corroding the vessel containing it. “We've had two flat tires in the past week,�?she said. “Do you think it's him?" “I don't know,�?I replied. But they would be a natural target for him to get at me. And two flat tires in a week is not a coincidence. He loved letting air out of tires. The analogy to what he does to people did not escape me this time. I felt deflated. I called the parole liaison. I believe he's looking for me, I said. Yes, he agreed. It would look like it. But without facts, we cannot do anything because his lawyer would laugh his way out of the courtroom. Sighting him is simply that -- a sighting. He has not attempted contact. I agreed. I shall stay alert. And the parole officer had his name added to the list of High Risk Repeat Offenders to increase my safety and their response time should I call. But the fear crackled in my veins as it ripped through the vestiges of my peace of mind. The trouble with fear is that sometimes it masquerades itself as other emotions. On Friday I took part in a management retreat. Our focus was on communications. Our CEO, under stress, tends to become bombastic. And, to some degree verbally abusive. I had spent the past two weeks walking out of meetings with him as I clearly defined the boundaries around behaviours I will not tolerate. Our management team is inexperienced. It is in turmoil. Revenues are down. A major project is behind schedule. And the CEO just had major surgery on his neck. So, along with having a pain in the neck he had become one as well. As the senior manager of the organization, I also managed the CEO, deflecting, correcting any potential issues from becoming a reason for him to leap into crisis mode and disrupt the entire organization. These past few weeks I had found it more and more difficult to deal with the CEOs outburst and was on the point of leaving. It appeared an impossible environment to work in, and not one that was healthy for my well-being. Without the retreat to deal with these issues, I did not believe I could stay and had told the CEO my feelings. We agreed to address the situation Friday in a 'safe' environment with the very well-trained and respected facilitator we had contracted to conduct the retreat. Friday, at the retreat, the CEO challenged me on my behaviour over the past few weeks. He's a psychiatrist so does possess a fairly good intellect on human nature! You are scape-goating me for things that are going on in your personal life. Was I? I had not revealed what was happening and believed that the stress that was lining my face like rivulets of raindrops streaking a window pane was related to work -- not Peter. I denied scape-goating him. Told him that when someone continuously yells I shut down, walk out. “Walking out when I am acting out is a good strategy,�?he replied. “But you have lost your focus." I started to cry. The facilitator called a break and I went outside for a breath of air. When we returned we did a session where we had to individually write out productive and non-productive behaviours of our team members and then tell them in one-on-one sessions what we ‘saw�? While I appreciated the positive feedback, the  non-productive one was the same right across the board -- You are extremely emotional. I was stunned. I am not known for being an emotional manager. My strength has always been my ability to remain calm and focussed in spite of turmoil. I went for a walk in the woods and thought about the CEOs comment and my co-workers feedback. And that's when I saw it. I was 100 miles from this city, in a mountain resort, surrounded by tall pines and towering peaks. The world around me was quiet and serene. Not even a breeze stirred the trees lining the path upon which I walked. But fear accompanied me. Fear rippled through my mind, crippled my footsteps, rustled beneath every leaf suspended upon the branches beside me. Fear existed. I was in fear of the P. And he wasn't there. Didn't know where I was. Technically couldn't be there because it is beyond the radius of the conditions of his parole. And yet I feared his appearance. I took a breath. Felt the tightness around my heart, the bands constricting my mind snap shut. I took a deeper breath. Slowly. The tightness eased, my mind opened as blood flowed throughout my body. My fear of him had blocked me from seeing that my emotions were dammed up against the back wall of my mind, a log jam keeping me from seeing, speaking, living my truth -- I am free as long as I acknowledge all of me -- including my fear. In trying to ignore my fear, in not acknowledging that I am disturbed by his presence, I was denying a part of my truth. I have reason to fear him. And even greater reason to stay free by creating a safety perimeter that would keep me strong. On the drive back to the city I stopped by a lake and walked its shores as rain and mist wrapped me in their cool embrace. I watched the droplets of rain hit the water and bounce up before hitting again and spreading out in rivulets upon the steel grey surface. Fear's like that. It hits you. Bounces up and then hits again in the hopes that this time you will let it in to seep in ever-expanding circles invading your peace of mind. As I sat and watched the mists swirl around the mountains I realized that I could not deal with this fear on my own. I needed help. I decided to go back to my therapist for hypnotherapy. My fear is real. But it does not need to immobilize me. Nor keep me from moving with grace and dignity throughout my life. I need emotional tools to help me cope with my fear. To face it. See it for what it is. And know that it does not control me. Fear lives in my belly. But courage fills my heart and hope expands my mind so that I can rise above the fear and ease away the acidic residual of too much time spent looking behind me. When I listen to myself and embrace all of me, when I fill myself with the knowledge that I create my freedom in everything I do and say, then I am free to be all of me without fear of the unknown. I do not know what the P will do. I do know what he is capable of and thus took the precautions I did to create my safety perimeter. More importantly -- I know what I am capable of. And I am capable of far greater than someone who lies and cheats and deceives in order to get what he wants.