Memory Awakens I have known Jack since high school. Over the intervening thirty years, our paths have crossed intermittently, until last fall when his marriage of twenty-two years dissolved and he arrived on my doorstep, emotionally drained, bruised and fragile. Our friendship rekindled as he tried to make sense of what had happened to his life and I became a shoulder he leaned on in the aftermath of his divorce.
Recently, Jack has been angling towards taking our relationship to a new level. At first I was ambivalent. And then I was intrigued. After three and a half years of avoiding dating altogether (an encounter with a psychopath can sour you on just about anything!), I wondered if now was not a good time to test the relationship waters. Jack is a man I trust, respect and adore. Why not tread a little more deeply into the unknown between us?
We talked about our friendship, the risks of losing what is, for what might be, and agreed to spend a little more time together exploring that dangerous place called, Getting Involved. I told him of my fears, okay, my outright terror of opening up on an intimate level with a being as scary as a man. He told me of his desire to have a partner, to be in a relationship with someone other than himself.
Perhaps it is that my hearing was fogged up by my own fears. Because in his telling of his need for a relationship, he also told me of another woman he was dating, a friend I had introduced him to. “She wants a life partner,�?he said. “And I’m confused. I love you, Ellie. I love spending time with you, being with you. But I don’t know where we’re going. With Dinah, I know what she wants. And it’s what I want, but I don’t want to risk losing what you and I have.�?/P>
Now, I have always loved the thrill of 'the pursuit'. It was one of the aspects of my personality that left me at risk with the psychopath. Because on the dark side of the pursuit game is the come hither/go away dance it awakens within me. He chased me. I awoke. He withdrew. I took up the chase. Eventually, I was in pursuit of a mirage that drove me into the death zone of self-annihilation. He stood at the sidelines watching me self-destruct as my need to stay connected to him drove me deeper into the arms of his abuse.
Self-awareness is a wonderful gift, as long as I stay aware. But recently, with Jack, as I drifted into the possibility of relationship, I forgot to open my eyes and heart to what was happening on the other side of my psyche as fear of the past rose up and blocked me from seeing what I was doing in response to his actions.
It began with Canadian Thanksgiving Dinner. “Why don’t we spend the day together getting dinner ready?�?he asked when I invited him to join me and my other guests for dinner. “We can take the pooch for a walk, go to the market, and spend the day as a couple.�?/P>
I took a breath. I love entertaining. Cooking. Setting the table. In particular, I love the sense of peace and quiet it bestows upon me as I go about creating a scene of harmony and joy that will be filled by the laughter and love of my guests. Sharing that space with another was a big stretch. I decided to do it.
Thanksgiving day arrived and so did Jack, with a very stiff back. It was a clear blue sky day. Crisp. Fresh. Filled with autumn leaves falling and a gentle breeze drifting down off the Rockies casting a rosy glow to our cheeks. Our walk in the hills at the edge of the city was filled with laughter, good conversation and another couple who had asked if they could join us.
Two hours later, after a stop at the market, we arrived back at my house ready to commence preparations. His back was really acting up and he didn't think he could help me much with moving furniture or starting the meal. And as it was, he didn't have much time. “I promised Dinah and another friend to go to an auction with them,�?Jack informed me as we carried the purchases we’d made at the market into the house. “It’ll only take an hour. Would you like to come?�?/P>
I pushed down the fissure of anger that seared through my mind. “I have too much to do,�?I said, wondering if he could detect the acerbic undertone of my response.
“Too bad,�?he blithely replied as he left, with the promise to be back in an hour and a half.
I started preparations, reminding myself that I prefer working alone. But my mind was on high alert. In fact, I was downright pissed-off, but I kept it to myself as I arranged the house, prepared the turkey and vegetables for that evening’s feast.
Three hours later, when he still had not reappeared, I phoned him. Apologetically, he told me that his malingering back pain had turned into a full-blown back attack and he was uncertain whether or not he would even be able to turn up for dinner.
Upon hearing Jack’s remarks, I quickly replied, “Sorry your back is sore. Let me know what you decide,�?and hung up. Quickly. Abruptly.
The tears spilled from my eyes. I tried to push them back. They kept coming.
I stepped out onto my patio and let the warmth of the afternoon sun fall onto my face. I took a breath.
The tapes began to spin in my head. Great. See. Men are jerks. He’s an azz
Typical. How stupid can you get?
I took another breath.
I’m not stupid. And not all men are jerks.
He was acting out from his place of confusion. From where ever he was in his journey. His behaviour was a reflection of him.
What about mine?
Was it okay to silently accept his behaviour and let him off the hook? Absolutely not. Did I deserve to be treated with such disrespect? No. Did I have the right to tell someone when their behaviour has crossed my boundary and disrupted my peace of mind? If the relationship is based on trust and mutual respect, yes.
I picked up the phone and called him back.
“I need to tell you how I feel right now,�?I quickly said as he answered with a cheerful, ‘Hello, this is Jack.�?“I am angry. We discussed spending today together and you have not kept your commitment. I don’t like the feeling that you are playing me against another woman. I don’t like feeling like I’m in a game where the rules can change at any time. I accept that your behaviour is a reflection of you, and I don’t accept the unacceptable and that’s what this situation is.�?/P>
Silence.
I waited.
Finally, he spoke. “I apologize,�?he said. “You’re right. I’ve been very confused and I did not keep my commitment. I won’t do it again. I’ll be right there.�?/P>
“Your apology is accepted,�?I replied. “Your confusion does not give you an excuse to use me, or Sheila for that matter, as the vehicle through which you bulldoze your way to understanding. Whether or not you do it again is not a guarantee it won’t happen again, but I do know it won’t happen again with me because I do not accept this behaviour. And I don’t want you to come over right now. I’m angry. I want my anger to dissipate, and spending time with you might help you feel less guilty, but it won’t help me find my peace of mind.�?/P>
He didn’t come for Thanksgiving dinner. But I did find my peace of mind.
My response to his actions was justified. My understanding of the trigger gave me the power to face myself and see where pain lay buried deep within me.
Now, one of the elements of the psychopath relationship was that he had a continual string of health crises that left me feeling insecure about voicing my own needs. I mean, how could I tell a man who was supposedly dying of a rare heart disease that I was upset with him for constantly not turning up when he said he would? What if the last words he heard from me were angry words of condemnation? And so, I held my tongue and lost my way.
In hearing Jack’s excuse for why he might not make dinner, the trigger was pulled. Memory leapt into action as I felt the pain and horror of that time. Jack’s behaviour was unacceptable. But my tears were not about his behaviour. They were about my deeply buried response that said, “See, you’re less than. Unimportant. Not worthy.�?/P>
Baloney.
I am all that I am meant to be when I turn up for me with dignity and grace and speak my truth. I am important, to me and those who love me. And I am worthy. No one can take that from me, unless I give them the power to keep me from being all that I am meant to be.
It was a powerful trigger. In pulling it, I found my voice when I turned up, paid attention and spoke my truth without fear of the outcome.
Will I forgive my friend? Yes. He is coming from his own place of unease, acting out his own fears, confusion and needs. Will I step further into a relationship with him? No. Because once awakened, I know where my desire to move into closeness with him came from. It did not come from a place of wanting him as more than just a friend. It came from my place of fear. As he moved into a zone where he began to explore his options with other women, I circled that sore spot within me that loves ‘the hunt�? That place where in the yin/yang of male/female relationship, I hate feeling like a loser. My response to his desire to have a relationship came not from a belief in what I want, but rather from fear of losing the thrill of being hunted.
I don’t want a deeper relationship with this man. He’s wonderful. Kind and caring, but we have different perspectives of what we want in relationship. I know this. Have known it for a long time. But in thinking he might find another woman attractive, I took up the hunt to ensure he stayed connected to me, not because I want him, but simply because I did not want to lose.
In letting go my need to win, I embrace my freedom once again and soar with delight into the truth that my life is mine to lead, exactly the way I want it.
Thanksgiving dinner was a joyous night of laughter, good friends, good food and wine. It was a reflection of my life today. The life I have created for myself as I live in love with my family and friends, in harmony with the world around me.
