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I spoke to a girl today who has been a long time friend of my xN, and I finally felt strong enough to call her to find out why her (and several of his other close mates) have been ignoring me and avoiding me. I told her I didn't want to talk about my xN at all, and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. But that I was more concerned by their behaviour towards me (I thought he had been bad mouthing me) She said she could only speak for herself, but told me that he hasn't said anything about me, and that he's been fair and has kept his private life to himself and that break ups are always hard for both people (or something along those lines). This doesn't mean he's a nice person, and it doesn't excuse all the awful things he did, but it doesn't seem to fit with a stereotypical N, unless he's using this as a way of avoiding telling people the details of why we split up. What do you reckon, I am momentarily doubting that he's as bad as I think he is ..... |
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You know the truth of your relationship, mitchie. I know sometimes our brains get confused and we start thinking - maybe we were wrong, maybe he's not so bad, maybe I'm doing him a grave disservice by thinking he's an N. When this happens to me, all I have to do is go back over my list of things that he did to me throughout our relationship and it brings me back to reality really quickly.
The other thing to remember is that while most of us on here can relate to a lot of the things our Ns did, Ns are individuals also and they are different.
You also have to remember that they are experts at getting and retaining supply. If they consider themselves the good guy in the breakup and are getting accolades from their friends for this, they will not jeopardize that by bad-mouthing you. Just because he has not smeared you does not mean he is not still an N! Plus, they can be very subtle and he may be taking shots at you that are undetectable to his friends (although influencing how they feel about you) but if you heard what he was saying you'd go through the roof.
Just don't underestimate what your experience was with him. It's really, really hard to talk to other people who know them - I've experienced that myself. I always coming away doubting my convictions. But that is just something that I guess we have to get used to - because most people we encounter that know the N will not understand our experience. We have to be confident of that within ourselves. |
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bestgrl you're absolutely right. I think it's the fact that I was talking to his friend, who clearly sees him as a great guy that I start to wonder. But I should know better! I've got a new motto ..... if you haven't lived with him 24/7 - you'll never ever know! These people do worship him (the same way I did) so I guess it's only natural that after speaking to them I'll doubt what I think. I'll look back over my list of things he's done (I think everyone on here lands up writing one!). Thanks for helping me put it in perspective Chatty |
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mitchie, Some N's, the high functioning ones, are smart enough to know that bad mouthing you will give people pause about him, and they don't do it. They keep their peaches and cream complexion because the most important thing to them is having society think they're wonderful. They get supply from that. It may be the one thing they actually care about. Their quiet on the subject of you makes you look worse in everybody's eyes. This is a very effective modus operandi for them. Don't second guess yourself and your experience with him. If it looks like a duck... |
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Chatty, Of course he won't tell the truth about the break-up. And now that he's in the market for new NS, he probably doesn't want to seem like a bad guy (bad-mouthing you). You don't think my XNBF is going around Sarasota/Bradenton, Florida telling people: Well, Gloria saved my life when I was in the gutter with vicodin and cocaine. She supported me for a full year. She moved me to FL -- where I always dreamed of living -- and when she needed me -- I bailed on her. I refused to help her by working a PT job, lied and sneaked around -- telling her I was leaving early for work, when I was really sneaking off for P*ssy Patrol at the beach. He's not going to tell people that, Chatty. And because he wants to look like Super-Christian, he won't say a bad word about me -- at first. When he feels comfortable enough, though -- when he lines up his next victim -- he will tell her: - Gloria was controlling. (Just because I like to pay my bills)
- She was insecure. (Just because I don't care much for Maxim magazines hidden in my bedroom)
- She's a falling down drunk. (I'm not, but that was the story he used on me about his XGF. I'm guessing he will think, "Well, Gloria bought it when I told her that "L" was a falling down drunk. Maybe this new victim will believe it about Gloria, just like she believed it about "L.")
- Gloria didn't want to work, and I had to support her. (A complete reversal of the truth, which is what Ns traditionally do.)
Have no doubt,Chatty. There is a reason he's keeping a lid on the smear. For the moment, it's suiting his purposes. Gloria |
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I've read your posts Mitchie, you don't have anything wrong. I agree with what Mems said. These aren't people he feels it's in his best interest to bad mouth you around. That's all. He's just maintaining his 'image' with them. He's no doubt got other 'images' with other people.
Their attitude toward you though leads me to another thought about Ns, and how they surreptitiously go about blacklisting you. Especially the high functioning ones. You know, a little "slip" here and there where he doesn't say anything but kind of alludes to something? Something maybe not so flattering to you?
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| And everything Gloria said too. |
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