I feel I can't move on until I can understand this.  When I say that I loved the N, I wonder what was it that I loved?

 

I was wondering what does one mean by the word "love"?  There are so many different types of loves; the love a mother has for her child (a nurturing love), the love I have for my hobbies, the love I have for people I truly resspect like Mother Theresa, and the romantic, erotic love I have for my BF etc. 

 

What I am trying to figure out, did I love what the N gave me (when he was charming) or since he often acted vulnerable and like a young boy, did I love him like a mother loves her child?  That is, did I love what he could do for me or did I love what I could do for him? Or was our relationship just in my imagination and for him it was just another form of transaction?

 

When I am finally able to figure this out I think I will be finally able to replace what I miss about him.