HI Everyone--realizing what I am clearly dealing with, and have been for longer than even I can fathom, has explained so very many things to me, finally---but, also, the reality of all this has hit me like a ton of bricks. even though I've suspected the truth of things for literally years, now--it's as though genuine reality has finally dawned on me--yet, frightened or not, I have to face this somehow--my oldest son was killed in this 'war on terror' a couple of years ago, and has really finally led me to face the reality of what I am dealing with, within this family--even though this realization has taken me so long, it even makes my head swim--but, right now, facing it is making my hands shake from fright--
--when my son was killed, my husband's brother called here before the Chaplain could reach us, and cold bloodedly told his own brother that our son had just been killed [we found out later on, that our wonderful late son had been persuaded to give my husband's brother Power of Attorney, so that, should anything happen to our son, his uncle could 'come here and help us through the tragedy, in person'---my son so wanted us to have the help and support he knew we'd need to help us survive the horrible news]--yet, his uncle didn't do that--
--instead, it was almost as though the intention was to shock my husband nearly to death, or beyond that, and me along with him--then, his brother never called us back--neither did he, or his wife, bother to come over here to be with us---ever--in fact, only my husband's brother's son came over, and stayed a short while, having been sent here by his father--yet, something I hadn't completely known, only suspected, was that, our nephew was hostile towards me--that shocked me when I found it out, but the night of my son's death is not when I discovered that--yet, the nephew was no comfort to us, partly, I presumed it was due to the fact that he really barely knew us at all--
---our other son, who had estranged himself from us for 5 years prior, also came here, but not to comfort us--instead, to accuse me, of being responsible for their estrangement from us--and, also, to accuse his late brother of the most horrible things, with my younger son telling the most horrible, bald-faced lies about his late brother, as well as about me---I was outraged, but, when I faced him down about it all, and defended myself and his late brother, he moved towards me in a physically menacing/threatening manner--the biggest things that made my blood run cold at all of that, was the fact that, both my husband and the nephew, just sat there listening to what my husband KNEW were lies, even about his oldest son who was now dead, who had just been brutally killed only hours before--and, they did NOTHING to help me--nothing on my behalf--they never even made an attempt to stop my younger son from harming me, physically--
--and, that was the second time my younger son had threatened me with bodily harm that way--the first time was around 12 years ago, and I was both shocked and frightened, and had called the police--which even surprised me!--but, after he'd spoken to the police, this one policeman gave ME the lecture, and told ME to try and remember that 'he is your son, after all'--I was shocked, and frightened, to be the one who had somehow managed to be blamed for what happened!--but, even then, there was no way I suspected what I am now convinced is the ugly truth of things--
--I can't, and I won't, go into anymore of the horrid details about everything that I now can see has gone over so many years now, because there is just way too much of it--but, I am thanking God that I can finally see the reason behind why some of these people have acted the way they have, and why they still do--so cold blooded, so heartless, yet so superficially 'charming', so falsely 'warm and friendly'--yet, as I told someone one day--each time this one particular family member left the room, I checked my back for the knife---now, however, I can see that I should have checked for that knife whenever I had been around ANY of them that I can see exhibiting that cold-blooded-heartless behavior--they are, also, my husband and younger son are both so full of blame, leveled at me and others, and, so full of rage--even 'road rage', that nearly causes accidents--also, my husband's anger at me while in the car, when it has nearly cost both of us our lives, and maybe endangered the lives of others, is legendary--yet, when I've attempted to explain his behavior to friends, over the years, they simply can't believe it, and seem to think I am just angry at him, so am making it all up----but, the list of offensives, and incidents, just goes on, endlessly--and, so does the list of people who've never supported me when I've confided things to them, [unfortunately for me]--
--all those times, I kept trying to convince myself that he really hadn't just tried to kill me, or us both, by turning in front of that 'oncoming bus', or that 'oncoming truck', etc.--he's done that at times when he's been especially angry and hateful towards me--yet, even though I knew I needed to leave him in the dust when I exited his life forever, what stopped me was manifold--not the least reason for which was FEAR--I have tried to leave him on several occassions over the years, as well, but could find no support for me to do so, and I feared for my safety if I pursude leaving on my own any further--
--I had had an hysterical collapse in 1974[everyone told me it was all just my imagination, but what frightened me the most was the idea that I thought my husband was going to shoot me with his military rifle one evening--I was nearly comatose with fright over that fact, too---yet, everyone seemed to assign my fear to either mental delusion, or to my just being downright crazy--but, the first psych doc. diagnosed my condition as 'Hysteria'--NOT because she thought what I said had not happened/was just my imagination--but, the hysteria was stemming FROM the incident which led me to fear he was going to kill me--I had also just had our second baby, so many people simply assigned 'post-partum psychosis' or 'post partum depression' 'post partum anxiety', etc., to the entire matter---
--Yet, I collapsed at that time, and had to be under psychiatric care, and I was for decades afterwards, and in therapy, and was on medications for 'it', to help me to try and at least live a half-way 'normal' life--the therapy and medication at least gave me some hope, and the ability to stay out of the hospital and be with my children, and husband--although, looking back on that, maybe my being hospitalized permanently might not have been the worst thing that could have happened to me!--[yet I would have missed out on the most important part of my life, which was raising my two boys]--and, realizing what's going on, with why those people have behaved the way they have over all these years, now, is terrifying me to no end, and controlling my fear of them right now, is what I'm trying to work on doing--but, creepily, I am finding I have no true allies to turn to in my life right now, but, I don't believe I ever really have had any, especially not among relatives--my husband's a real 'charmer', and most people we know really like him--alot--
--I know I must sound like a dunderhead or something, since this situation has gone on for so very many years, with me not seeming to realize what I was actually dealing with, within these people, whom I--for some odd reason--thought somehow really loved me, 'way down deep'--not my late son, though, he was not among them, thanks be to God!--but, my younger one is among them--yet, he's someone I NEVER expected to have become the way I can now clearly see he has--this is not just frightening me, but is adding such tremendous heartache into my already broken hearted life, now that my first born son was killed--I never realized until now, either, that he was my only true ally within this family--he could see through some of the members of this family, and would defend me against things/accusations leveled at me--no one else in this family has ever done that for me, that I can even think of--
--but, it took nearly 4 decades for me to finally see 'what'swhat' with this situation, and when I just typed that '4 decades' out like that, it even boggled my mind! Partly because the abuse has never been physical in nature, and they ARE members of my family, and I love them, and felt as though, some how, some day, things would change with them, and they'd accept me, and love me, too--it's finding out at this point, that there is slim-to-none chance of that ever happening--and, yet, a very real chance that I might end up regretting staying around them--that has me so upset right now, and scared--
--question---besides coming to a group such as this one, to find moral and emotional support, and information that will help--where else could I turn, out in the 'real' world, for the help I truly do need, and have for so long now? I am no longer in therapy of any kind, not even grief councilling--I wish I was now, but I had such trouble in finding councilling that our health insurance would cover, that I finally just gave up, and have been trying to deal with it all by myself--so, to whom to do I turn for help? And, to what agency, or organization? I thought maybe I could reach out to the 'battered women' help org. that I've heard about, that's around here--but, because this abuse is not physical, I didn't think I qualified to use their services--not until just now, that is--
--my life's nightmare worsened due to my beloved son's death in this war--but, maybe his death has finally helped open my eyes to just what I am dealing with here in this family, and it's not 'just me', and I'm not 'crazy', as my husband accuses me of being whenever it's convenient for him to do so--ok, thank you all for your time and patience--I'm sorry this is so very long.
Briar
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