Perfect timing on your posting.  After a 14 yr relationship (13 yrs of marriage) and 2 kids, I left 10 months ago.  I was sleeping on the couches around the house (including the UNfinished basement) and I felt FREE on those nights.  He always puffed himself up in public, put me down, walked 10 feet behind or in front.  When I was pregnant, she said I was disgusting.  He ruined my pregnancies in terms of what should have been a loving, supportive and nurturing time for us.

Background:  I found out years ago he tore up any and all childhood pics of himself.  Said he was ugly.  2 years ago he took $5,000 from our savings to get hair transplants.  Said the Army would not promote a balding soldier (what an ass).  On the weekends (Fridays) while everyone else is saying, TGIF, he was verbalizing by Sat. morning that he had to go to work on Monday morning.  Never let himself experience any kind of joy - EVER.   Our kids suffered.  Years ago, I used to have to take money from our daughters' piggy bank for more milk and bread while he complained when I asked him for more $ to get more.  We had a nice single family home.  He is SICK and refuses to let himself experience any joy.

I have a new man in my life.  He is the exact opposite of what xN is.  Its been a year and I only cry on the nights when I realize that I could have had a man like him years ago.  (I am now in my 40's).  The new man in my life aches at that thought too.  We are perfect together.  But we both know that if we had met years ago, we would not have our kids that we have now.  So we are so very thankful for that we met at all.  We are going to live a very happy 35 years together.

This weekend my xN slyly mentioned a get together in his new neighborhood which included a young woman (of course, he threw in the comment that she was petite and young), father is a colonel and she is CPA. 

I must say that I felt momentarily inadequate.  I never went to college.  I was a exec. secretary for 20 years until Sept. 11th 2001.  Quit my job so he could fulfill his committment to the military for 2 deployments.  I chopped down trees, painted 20 ft. foyers to save money.  Cried in the middle of the night because I thought I was going to get "the knock on the door" from the Army.  I fought school systems because they didn't understand children DO cry for their abscent parents at night because they are at war, and then show up at school TIRED & UPSET. 

I have successfully sold and carefully purchased 3 homes while he was gone.  Moved our family all by myself.  I lied to neighbors in order to make us seem "perfect".  

He sucks the air out of the room. 

I was relieved to hear that there may be a woman in his life.  But don't think that the OW is going to cure all the above, and all of your stuff.  These women are going to live a very uncomfortable life.  Yours is OVER.  You are FREE.  Let go of the rest.  I swear to you, someday you will meet a new partner that will make you cry when you think about the time that you could have had.  But don't go there, please.  Just thank God everyday that you chose LIFE, JOY, TRUE LOVE.  The love of yourself and your new partner.

 

 

HMR, while reading about Borderline Personality Disorder just now, I noticed that it said BPD's (and other closely-related personality disorders) move between idealization and devaluation of their partners.

This sounds nutty, I know. 

 

Sometimes I think that if the xnbf had had an OW, it would have been better. 

 

At least there would have been some excitement.  Something to think about. 

 

But no. 

 

It was just him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him. 

 

 

 

GN

 

 

Barmor,

 

Click on previous, below, to catch the missing posts. 

 

That happened to me too.  :-)

 

GN

I was also distraught that my N was with OW he even married her, I was gutted but 12 months down the track he is not happy and she doesnt know what A'hole he really is. He has tried to be in contact with me over the last two years. Every three months he tries to get my attention. I just ignore him. He would play up on her just as he did to me. She doesn't have it any better than I did. But I realised I am not missing out I am free of all the indecent behaviour, lies, degredation and all the rest. She still has to put up with him and he will throw her out of his life just like he did me and then cry poor me and try to recycle the last ex he had before her, which by the way was me. I wouldn't have him back if he was the last man on the planet. Just be greatful that he is off the street and can't ruin anyone else's life or yours. Get out have fun read books and grow learn and be grateful that you are free of him.. It really is better away from them once you believe it.

Don't believe for a minute that he isn't treating her the same way.  I gave the jerk 31 years....my youth...and another year spent  listening to #2 cry to me about the same things I lived with...even tried to help her get out, but he's hosed her too badly.  I know for a fact that they treat #2 (and any others that follow) the same way they treated #1.  I learned that the hard way, again, on my second marriage to one when #1's family warned me and told me about all their sister/daughter/aunt suffered during her marriage to him. He is not capable of it....with you....or with anyone. 

 

I'm just adding this in here to prove the point I guess!

 

xN met his first wife whilst he was in the navy - they only spent a total of 6 weeks in each other's company before he asked her to marry him.  They spent 12 years together.  Then he came out of that relationship and dated most women round here by the sounds of it.  Then the next relationship he had lasted two years and she went off with his best mate after complaining he was aggressive and that he scared her.  Then he dragged me into his insane little world, bought a house together after 2 months, but only managed 18 months before I thought enough is enough and called the police.  They all seem the same.  The first relationship seems to last the longest.  Then as they grow older they must get worse I guess and their relationships get shorter and more tempestuous. 

 

It must be crazy being them.  I mean I look at the xN.  He's still living in the same small town as me.  He has cut off anyone who would question him about his behaviour.  He still believes in his weird twisted way that he did nothing wrong.  How will he move on from here??  We have all the same mutual friends, a lot of who know what he did, or will have heard rumours.  He can't exactly show up with a new gf in front of me because he's knows I would try to warn them.  How do they deal with the devastation they leave behind? 

 

This time he knows it's not all just going to go away like before. 

It has been almost two years and I still think about it.  This is OW #6 or so of my exNH and I still think that sometimes... oh they look so happy, this is the one... he will treat her so much better than me... and then I think, his true colors will come out eventually, he will have someone else soon.