 |
|
Reply
| |
I hope this isn't too long but I'm not sure how to shorten it so I apologize in advance. I believe that my brother is a big time N but I'm not certain. It's important that I know because it will influence any decisions that I make with regard to a business that we share. In a nut shell, I believe that my brother is an N because of the following reasons: He is extremely negative (most negative person I know), thinks everyone is out to screw him, is arrogant, has an incredible sense of entitlement (at least within family), he's abusive, he's miserable, he thinks that the only person that ever loved him was our mother, he lives in the past and thinks only of what could have or should have been, his only "friends" are low lifes, he blames everyone else for his problems, takes no responsibility for his actions, has no achievements to speak of and has a trophy wife. Now for a little background- I'm 40, female and he's 47 and my only sibling. Our father is/was possibly an N- very controlling, successful, critical and could be verbally abusive. Our mother died when I was 9 and my brother was 16. He never got along with our father, never did well in school and was a pothead and a troublemaker. Our dad really didn't know how to deal with him and seemed to alternate between enabling his behavior and berating him for not taking responsibility. Dad gave him a business (when he was 18 or so) which he bankrupt in a matter of years so my father helped him start another business. He's never been able to hold a job outside of my father's business (and he was fired from that a number of times.) In the meantime, my brother and I were given some rental property as per our mother's request before she died. It was held in trust by our father who treated it as his own and spent any income like it was his own so by the time we were in control of it there was a mortgage on it and no cash in the account. As a result of this, my brother decided to sue our father which I was totally against. After they settled, my brother turned on me and I didn't see it coming. So for the past ten years he's been harassing me and accusing me of various things but for the most part he insists that I owe him a ridiculous sum of money because he believes that during the 25 years the property was in trust for us, that I received more than he did. This is all coming to a head right now because he is now insisting that I agree to an insane arrangement (for eternity) where I compensate him for managing the property and for my misdeeds going back to my teens or he will sue me. We've been emailing back and forth for the past couple of weeks and he is pressuring me for an answer. I've been telling him that I won't agree but I don't know how to get out of this situation with him. He's been trying different tactics including threatening to file a report with the IRS for something that he claims our father did, putting a lien on the property and now he's giving me a sob story about how his wife is looking for a job and he can't pay his mortgage (which I believe.) So is he an N and do I do whatever it takes to get out of this situation (we've barely spoken in the past 10 years) and it will certainly be costly to do so or do I agree to certain things because he's family and he needs help? Again, sorry for the length. I actually left out a lot of information but hopefully it's enough to give a good idea of the situation. J |
|
 First
Previous
2-5 of 5
Next
Last
|
|
Reply
| |
Hello,
Oh Boy, oh boy, this is awfully similar to my brother, business, family, demands after he spend family money. I have all the sympathy for you, and i will share with you some of my thoughts.
I short, years back we got into family business. My brother made a mess out of it, and didn't let go out of his hands until we were deep in debts, and bank wanted him out. He seems to have his own story, his own interpretation of everything, events, law, economy, in one word he is a KNOW ALL. Then he disapeared for 8 years, and came back to "collect as we had to invest and stabilize business. In no time he was gone, as we didn't play into his games. I do have NM , by my own diagnosis, who had neglected him as , my father have emphasized making money, money, my btorher became occupied with it, but without actually being able to accumulate it, just spend, spend...
I am now NC with my NM for 2 years and she had befriended him. she uses him and he feels that he was cheated out of something but is not aware of N situations.
So, I honestly don't think my brother is an N, there are few characteristics but not enough. As you pointed out, entitlement is a big one. As a matter of fact I Googled Sociopath for my brother and clicked on Narcissistic , just to find in amazement IT was MY mother.
To make story short, my brother's marriage once, everything was mortgaged was gone, and they had to declare bankruptcy. We had to go trough a lot, lawyers, to separate from him, and partnership. We had some similar threats, so I suggest you talk to a lawyer, make sure have clean and clear papers, and don't succomb to blackmail. I feel that my brother never grew up, and I bear no bad feeling for him, ( as he came years after requesting HIS money), I see that he is sick, somehow very damaged, with no skills to repair. I did accepted him back, few years ago, but I noticed that he was playing games with me, trying to pressure me to give him money, a lot of money. He easily becomes frustrated when he doesn't get what he wants, so I just kept calm, and "understanding". In frustration he was gone.
I hope there was something to help, without loading you too much with my stuff. Take care, Zlata |
|
Reply
| |
J, if you agree to his ridiculous demands it will cost you more then seeking legal advice. He will keep you on a string for the rest of your life and you know it. It's hard to accept, but he isn't wired right (probably a N) and I would keep him at a distance if I were you. My N sister managed twice to get a lot of money out of family business. They are so shrewd. Don't give him any chance. Good luck! NeverAga1n |
|
Reply
| |
Hi Itching, thought I'd drop you a line. Please see my earlier post in this section. I've watched my brother (eerily similar to your brother) turn our family upside down my entire life. I'm currently in the position of managing our parent's estate. So I've minimized my contact with this brother for years, I'm now compelled to deal with him. This estate involves rental property and I've encountered the same issues. The best advice I can give you is this, set aside your personal feelings for your brother, totally. You owe him nothing special because he is your brother. Deal with him as you would any other person you knew was out to manipulate you. I don't mean to screw him, just don't give him any special consideration. You have to be true to your values in how you treat people, but not family, he doesn't deserve that. What you view as kindness he views as an opportunity to mainiplate you, he views it as weakness. With that mindset sever the business relationship. If you can force the sale of the property, do it. If it remains in a trust, insist upon independent management of the trust by a law firm. That should mininmize his chances for mischief. Understand that he has had a lifetime to learn how to play you like a fiddle. The only way that changes is if you don't play. Make your decisions based upon how you deal with anybody else. Understand that the hateful, vile and nasty insults and threats are meant to get a reaction from you. They are ways for your brother to try and exert control over you. I told my brother a little while back that he was my brother and I love him, but I didn't like him most of the time. That I'd ensure he was treated fairly, but I was governed by my values, and not his screwed up, self serving ones. I directly told him that I had no obligation to allow him to be a negative influence on my life. He knows I mean it. Hope this helps, iam4freedom |
|
Reply
| |
Hi, Thanks for the replies, everyone. Right now things have mellowed a bit which is good, but will make me complacent. Iamforfreedom- I'm actually more afraid than guilty. I'm afraid that if I force the sale of the property that he will really be desperate-- his business is there and he pays no rent. His business doesn't make much money so I don't think he can even afford to pay rent. I'm going to get a lawyer and see what my options are. |
|
|
First
Previous
2-5 of 5
Next
Last
|
|
Return to N Relatives