Oh, my heart to you, the mom!
I am going to suggest some books here. They changed my life dramatically. Truly a before and after experience here.
First I read was Liberated Parents, Liberated Children by Farber and Mazlich. Then I went through the workbook "How to talk so your children will listen, how to listen so your children will talk" (Same folk)
Then the source of their knowledge, they took a workshop from this kind man, Dr. Haim Ginot and I read Between Parent and Child.
I then read anything I could get my hands on by these guys.
I worked with special needs children, adults, even the criminally insane. These books turned me into a behavioral "expert" even though I repeatedly asked others to just read the darned things!!
Example...one woman/client in a center was known for being very stuck in her ways. I barely knew her. She had a dental appt. and had gotten on the bus and refused to get off.
The supervisor came up to my room and asked me to go get her off the bus.
I went downstairs and the staff was there yelling, "GET OFF THE BUS" and talking about having to drag her off.
First tool was to speak softly so the other person has to engage with you. I walked to the side of the bus and said softly, "M, you have a dental appointment."
Other tool is you allow the other person the dignity of making their own conclusions.
She said, "What? I do? I need to get off the bus then. These damn fools. Why didn't anyone tell me?"
Simple shifts making huge differences.
One miracle, same center, had a gent who was non verbal.
Also had a supervisor who was officious and just plain mean at times.
She said something to R. He was furious. He came into our crowded room and knocked over a metal shelf that was VERY full.
People were cyring and screaming. I put paper and markers and crayons on the table quietly. Everyone stopped to see what I was doing. I said, "I want you to draw a picture right now about how you feel."
The first person drew a picture, it was awesome, she was inside a bunch of bright, concentric circles. She was trying to cover her head. But, there were hearts that came out of her and she drew them going to R.
R. saw that and started crying. For the first time ever documented, he spoke. He said, "I love you, K" and they cried and hugged and she said she so understood why he was angry, she would be too, but that scared her so much.
He went around and looked at the pictures and talked about them. It got to where we were honestly laughing. The feeling of love in that room!!
We all cleaned up. After that, R. would look out for someone about to lose their temper and he would go talk to them. It was so beautiful.
Just a simple shift. The old me would have jumped on R. Look at the miracle I would have lost!!
I can't promise this will help you, but it sure can't hurt!!
HUGS and so much Empathy!!
Wolfies |
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