Misspleaser,

 

Excellant post. Thank you.  Your so right. All my life I have attracted bad men mostly.  When I found this web site last year, it all began to fit like a puzzle. My dad is an N and emotionally absent from my life. So I have tried to find my dad in the men I attract. Blech....I am over it. I have been working hard with a therapist to begin to love myself and develop some self esteem. N's destroy what little we do have. But at least now I know what these people are and how not to attract them hopefully in the future. 

it all depends how you look @it:what is emotionally absent to one person doesn't phase another.what i observed growing up that kids who came from broken homes or homes where there was emotional unavailability found it in school:in the form of clubs,friends or the families of those friends.

I think that what I ultimately GOT from the N was exactly the same as what I got in my childhood, and that it only appeared to be what I never got in my youth, at first, because of the N's "idealization" stage.  My stepfather, and my mother for that matter, were hard-core alcoholics with whom you could never have a conversation, as it is useless to talk to drunks, they aren't in their right minds and may say anything to you and not even recall it later, or recall it and not care, or fly into bizarre rages, throw tantrums, even physically abuse you, etc.  But of course as a child, you are trapped with these people until you are legally adult, and I got out of that situation as fast as humanly possible at that point in my life.  However, much harm was done to me, to my beloved sister, and to my poor half-brother by the time we could each leave.  Very sad. 

 

So I know I had formed this idea in my head that because my parents were uneducated (no formal college education, and stepfather had only a GED, tho he later was a licensed plumber and a business owner), that must have added to their ability to fall into alcoholic addiction somehow---if they were more educated, they'd have never allowed alcohol to hold such sway over them.  Thus, I tried to look for college-educated partners, thinking that with intelligence, mental illness or addiction could not grab so firm a hold.  MISTAKE, of course, and a huge one at that.  The N was highly formally educated, and is still very much an abuser with addictive behaviors and control issues, of course, as most of them are.  In fact, I had another N in my life in my 20's, and he held a doctorate, was a lawyer, and STILL a controlling  abuser with a severe cocaine/alcohol problem.   Education has nothing to do with N'ness or NON-N'ness, addiction or non-addiction.  What a fool I was to think that.    

 

I'd say what I seek in any PARTNER at all, is what I never got in my childhood  (rational behavior? conversation which made sense? a sense of sharing? love, without conditions or exceptions?)  - I just happened to be unfortunate enough to run into two N's who gave me more of the same abuse I'd received as a young girl, tho at first, when all masks were ON, I didn't think so at all.

 

Right now at this angry stage, I am very bitter about ever finding anyone who won't abuse me in one way or another.  I often wonder if I simply have dared to ask for too much.