igirl...the N also stated that every woman he ever dated has "issues", me included. N's brother fled the dysfunctional family by moving to the west coast. N's father knows there is something wrong with N and N's sister is also aware of N's abusive behaviour as she was targeted throughout her childhood and teenage years. Yet N's sister and father live in denial believing the N and enable his behaviour. I guess that blood is thicker than water.

My personal opinion?

 

I think they keep it under hat in hope that you'll stay in the relationship with N as long as possible.  Why?  Because it keeps him/her off of their backs!  I think they enjoy the peace (however temporary it will be), while he's busy sucking the life out of somebody else.  They know if they tell you what he really is, they risk 2 things:  First being that you'll leave and then they'll have him up their butts again, and secondly, they fear retaliation from him for "spilling the beans."

 

And, of course, it could very well be that the whole family is nuts...as was the case in my situation.  If you're dysfunctional enough, how can you detect "abnormal" from "normal?"  So in their dysfunctional eyes, the N is perfectly "normal."

 

Sick, sick, sick!!!

 

~Resist~

You both make so much sense. He tells his family things about the women he dates so the family ends up hating them too. Once he told me he had a "strange" relationship with his mother while growing up and that his "dad was jealous" of him and his mom.  RED FLAG. What was i thinking? (Ooops sorry, i slipped into my "what the hell is wrong with me mode" for a second.) He was also the only boy with 3 sisters. He was the oldest and they all treat him like the king. RED FLAG #2

 

 

HI jgirl. When we discover Ns and Ps, we usually are just scratching the surface and looking deeper reveals that their entire families and often partners are 'mentals' as well. And, that leads to plenty of former partners and acquaintances that have been abused. So, of course, they will try to keep the lid on that pot.

 

 

That makes perfect sense to me. When i tried to get the lid off things got so much worse. Once i actually went to a birthday party for his mother and NOBODY spoke to me except one of his neices. I left there in tears and he told me that is how his family had "always treated the women he dated" and i should not worry about it. It was the most bizaare thing i have even dealt with. My family is so loving and caring and accepting of all people, so this was a huge blow to me. It was one of the straws that broke the camel's back for me. He conforted me all the way home and then later that night got angry and called me every name in the book and told me he had told his family that I was a whore and slept with multiple men once when he was mad at me. NO WONDER i sat by myself.. Twisted crazy man!!

this is a good question and I will tell it from another point of view.  My stepson is the N in the family. Last year he married a wonderful woman. During the courting period he was a different person, he was charming to her and to US too.   He became so nice my husband and I would look at eachother and say, "is this the same person"?  Hard to believe.  At the time of his wedding he was happier than I had ever seen him.  Oh, and we had been NC for 3 years and only reconnected a couple of months before the wedding.  

 

I was SO hopeful that he had changed, that this wonderful woman was going to be able to have enough control over him to help him change his evil ways.  

 

Sadly, it was not so.  I am only now starting to identify him as an N.   And it all makes sense now.   I wish I had warned this girl.  Now she is living in hell.   I do realize that if and when she leaves him, we wil once again be the brunt of his bad behavior.  Now that I understnad this all a little better, I think I can cope better if and when. 

 

Vicky

You are dealing with a family "culture".  It is  like a cult.  There are secrets and taboos (such as talking about the secrets) that are "imprinted" onto the family from birth.  If you dare to confront the "secrets" you are hated and cast out.  The "brain", "nucleus" of the family will devalue and discard you.  If they have nothing bad to say about you they will "make up perverted lies".  The N who made up all the lies will believe them herself.  Their whole existance is based on these lies so if challenged you are challenging their "existance.  This is twisted and crazy.This is all accepted as the truth in the family cult.  It is disfunctional, crazymaking and evil.  This is life in a family ruled by a N.   If you try to tell people outside the family about this crazy making they will think you are unstable.  That is why this site is so valuable.

 

Never correct a scoffer or they will hate you.

 

 

igirl I totally know what you mean.  My xN's family is well aware that he's been violent in the past, and they also know about the violence against me since we split up.  When I told his mum he had been arrested (because he was never going to) she said - get out of there now, leave him, you can't be with someone like that.  But less than 3 days later she was saying 'well it takes two to tango - it's six of one and half a dozen of the other'.  I think that they just can't and don't want to see what a monster he is. It takes a very strong family to see the problem and to do something constructive about it.

 

I also agree with what you say: