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| | From:  Trudy185 (Original Message) | Sent: 28/10/2008 2:09 a.m. |
Much to catch you up on re. work. (The GF was there again). I did manage, though, (((thanks)))) to you all.
Here is a twist. I had to write a company wide request for some help with something new we are taking on at work, a public service project. I wrote a "would anyone we willing to help out with this" request.
Guess who writes an amazingly beautiful response, volunteers time, plus a generous financial contribution, setting up, transportation, and being around to take care of some of the disagreeable & less glamorous aspects of the project, too.
My N is a community hero.
I mean, on the one hand it isn't surprising. This is the guy who seemed to be incredibly thoughtful and caring for 3 years. I wouldn't have fallen for anyone else.
But this is also the guy whose pathology just floored me over the last several months, and who my own counselor, without even seeing him, is certain has N characteristics if not full blown NPD.
This is the guy who does Idealization and D and D (NO question) but who is now with a truly lovely new GF who seems as nice as can be. (Heck, *I* was as nice as could be!)
What a wonderful guy! What a pillar of our community! He is coming out of this looking like Mother Teresa and a generous donor and a Big Brother all at once.
Does this ever happen to you? (And I thought I was ready for almost anything).
How do you handle this one? Just keep smiling?
I'm working on detaching, of course. But if I hadn't written everything down, and told a counselor about all of it, I could almost believe I dreamed the whole nightmare, that none of what I experienced really happened.
Truly Dr. Jekyll Mr Hyde!!! I wish Sam were around for this one.
Any of you deal with this? Don't be drawn in, right?
((((Thank you)))) in advance.
Love,
Trudy |
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| My ex Nbf is involved with woman who has cancer. He tells everyone about his sick friend and how he has to help her every day because she has nobody in her life. Supposedly he loves her I guess he was loving her when he was screwing me 12 hours after he screwed her and then screwed another woman the next morning. Yes this prick had sex with 3 of us in 48 hours. Its sad because the woman he is with now told me that a night she knew he was with another woman she got sick and needed medical care she called him saying she would die waiting in her house for him to call her back. She has a son that she never thought about either. Its sad but he looks like the perfect person with her. He tells people all kind of stuff getting sympathy kick for him to use himself. |
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deletion mine, font sizing again... and last minute thought... reposting: Trudy, Hi, trying again with this font, if this doesn't work better I'll stick to basics next time ..LOL. First, Hi! I've been following your battle with having to work with your Xn and I think you're doing great! In fact...as I read this I thought, "Ya know, he expected her to cave in and react (get jealous, lose her cool, cry, etc) when he started flaunting OW/GF in front of her like he did. It didn't work so he is upping the anty." Not only does doing this give him enormous NS from so many people but, since you know what a fake he is, I bet he expects you to start grumbling about his 'generousity' to people. Which would make you look bitter and crazy, and him look all the more nice and good-guyish because he has to "deal with you and your 'not stable'". My Xn does things like that too, even if it will hurt him he doesn't care, just so long as it will hurt me more. If I were you I'd be proud as could be right now. He is laying out time, money and effort in an attempt to get to you because you are so strong you have resisted all his bait so far. I'm sure he never dreamed you'd be this strong a person. I bet knowing that he isn't phasing you (even though he does sometimes, -he- doesn't know that because you have done such a good job masking your reactions) is driving him nutZ! LOL! You Go Girl!! Now he is reacting to you, not vice versa...that imho(in my humble opinion) rocks! (((bighugs))) ~atemp ~still queen of the run on sentence~ Last minute thought, in a way, all those people who were helped were helped by you! Seriously, think about it...he helped them mainly to take a dig at you. So it's thanks to you that they got the volunteering and $$ they needed! hugs. |
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| | | From: Trudy185 | Sent: 28/10/2008 4:32 a.m. |
Thank you so much for all of these wonderful responses!!!
(((Huggs))) to each one of you. I am so sorry you had to put up with this stuff. But you all are helping me Big Time.
Gloria, I didn't fuss at all when he D and D'd me. Even before I knew about NPD at all, my instinct told me to ignore him.
For weeks he acted out, always stuff that I he clearly wanted me to SEE. No words, just enactments. Very performative, always like a play. (I have asked Sam about this). Like making sure I saw him give another (engaged) woman a copy of a book he once gave me. Really pathetic juvenile stuff. If it hadn't been so mean, and, for a long time very hurtful (a 180 degree turn from the sweet caring man I thought loved me) - it would have been funny.
But something told me, be like Audrey Hepburn. My best friend used Grace Kelly. :) Hold head up high and ignore him. He used to flirt with every woman there and make a SHOW of ignoring me. (This was just days after those long, soulful adoring romantic gazes that he used to give me).
I did send him a letter, weeks into it, telling him I missed our old office friendship. His answer was evasive and vague, and in it he treated me like a puppy dog just waiting for his attention. (It was right after that that he started bring GF to work).
But besides that one letter, which was over a month ago, no, I never outwardly reacted.
I have moved my work station such that I'm no longer in his sight line (and visa versa). I got the sad wistful and mournful looks from that late last week. I did not respond.
All in all, I've been a very "cool customer," even though it has been very hard inside. I used to come home every night and cry. The worst now is when I have to walk by and the new GF (another co worker) is with him in some entwined formulation. He loves that. It makes me more angry than sad now, that he keeps trying to flaunt the GF. It feels AGGRESSIVE.
But back to the point: yes, I guess he could be mad about my "coolness."
There also seems to be some undercurrent competition.
It almost feels now like my volunteering to help organize parts of this project (and thus my company wide request) had to be topped.
But MY nice actions are real. I mean them. I care. I think HIS nice things are to show how wonderful he is and --> have me see that other people think so too.
He wants me to see him be admired. THAT'S IT.
HE WINS IF I SEE HIM BE ADMIRED.
atemp that is cool! I never thought of it that way! He's reacting to me now! WOW.
So I still have power to him.
I did read (Sam, I think?) that Ns do kind of admire people who stay strong and don't get drawn back in and don't give them anything.
So that is why he's trying so hard now?
That means he WILL be upping the ante.
Friends, I will need to be prepared for more curves. (And I don't mean more women! ha ha) (The new GF he has now is drop dead beautiful). [sigh]
I need to be prepared.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL BE NEXT?
A perfect gentleman act to me? The old kindness and charm that got me in the first place? (He can't do that w. GF around. Plus, he is still WAY too happy w. my having to SEE new girlie).
OK, so if he's reacting to me now, that means he is still very much engaged in this.
I will have to interact w. him tomorrow (planning a small part of this event).
WHAT IS MY RULE OF THUMB? That no matter what he does, I remain cool and serene. Is that right?
So my tactic is just stay serene about it all. Zen like calmness.
I can AIM for that and come home and deal w. my emotions.
This is a competition in his head!! IF HE IS ADMIRED, THAT SOMEHOW ALLOWS HIM TO GET BACK AT ME.
(I love thinking about the people who will be helped because of N wanting to get back at me! LOL)
LAST QUESTION: what if I don't want to play this game anymore? He is going to keep playing it in his own head all the time, until he gets bored, isn't he? That's why NC is so crucial.
Please keep the comments and ideas coming, I didn't see THIS one coming. You all are helping me.
Love you all,
Trudy
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| | | From: Trudy185 | Sent: 28/10/2008 4:35 a.m. |
REALLY STUPID QUESTION BUT I DONT KNOW:
Do I respond to his company wide email indicating his generous gifts and volunteering?
I almost have to, don't I.
(((((Thank you)))) |
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Yeah, probably, since you had to be the one to write the initial email and it sounds like you are kind of running the project.
Keep it short and professional.
Trudy, you are doing awesome and I don't know how you have stayed this strong for so long. It must be excruciating. I know how much it kills to have other people thinking the XN is so great - I feel the same way. It grates on me that I know some people in my XN's circle think that I just couldn't "handle" him, or I wasn't strong enough for him or something. He loves that...grrr...and I can't say or do anything because it makes me look crazy.
The thing to remember about an N is that any source of supply is powerful - and it becomes especially powerful when it is suddenly withheld. You hit the nail on the head when you said that is why NC is essential - the games will only stop when he gets bored enough or becomes resigned to the fact that he will no longer get supply from you.
What I would caution you to ready yourself for is this: when he does stop, if he stops, there will be a sense of loss. "He doesn't care anymore. He's not trying to play games or hurt me." This is what the little voice inside you will say. Remember that none of it has to do with YOU at all, just the supply he thinks he can get from you.
For me, this realization is the ultimate healing tool, because it has gotten me to the point where I don't CARE what he does. He can flaunt newGF, he can call me and email me and continue to tell me how much he loves me and how hard our breakup was, he can be angry at me and tell me I'm being bitter, he can make me feel guilty about the kids....it doesn't matter. I know the truth of our relationship and I know that whatever he is doing has NOTHING to do with me, but is calculated to get him something. And then I can let go.
This is what I hope for you. Stay strong! It will come - and I have to admit the progress I've made was possible in part because I'm NOT forced to see the XN every day. So you are in a rough, tough spot, and I think we all are amazed at how well you're doing. Chin up, girlfriend. Think how strong this is making you :) |
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Would you like to really get the upper hand, Trudy? The next time the new GF shows up . . . Walk right up to her and introduce yourself. And then say, "Shame on your, Dick, for not introducing us!" And then say to the new GF, "You're one lucky gal! I used to date Dick, so I know all about him -- if you ever have any questions. Call me. We'll do lunch." And when she's not looking, give him the smile that is going to tell him, "See. I am SOOOOOOOO much smarter than you." Gloria |
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Mine played so many games with my head, was on cocaine, drank until he couldn't stand up, verbally and physically abused me, owes me thousands of dollars and now he has "religion." All the people think he is just wonderful. Like a breath of fresh air. He thinks he is wonderful too!!! He is getting his narcisstic supply from his new admirers. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, he has never said he was sorry to me or others for the pain he caused. He has never attempted to pay any money back. Life is sweet for these narcissists.They just move on and make a new world for themselves. WOW. |
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| | | From: Trudy185 | Sent: 29/10/2008 8:20 a.m. |
Thank you so much bestgriever. Those words of support mean so much. I will be ready for when I don't have any power w him anymore. It still shocks me that what I do or don't do still matters a great deal to his twisted thinking/ experiencing. I assumed I would be relieved, but I'll be prepared for a sense of loss.
Gloria! LOLOL! That is TOO funny! If ONLY I were that strong! Emotionally I still fall apart when she is there. It's not that I want him back, I don't. But that I feel so scrutinized. He's loving every minute of it, and I know he's told her lies about me. She looks so smug sometimes. Ugh. My competitive blood gets up, only I know I'm losing. I'd need a good shot of something to do that. I love the fantasy. :)
(I have been curious as to whether she will ever want to talk to me if things go badly....).
((((truebluescorpio)))) lots of hugs. I can see that NC really is the only solution. I would so desperately love not to know a thing about his life, his whereabouts, his accomplishments, what he's doing. Just get him OUT of my life and head! Then we would not have to know about all their admirers. Have to believe, what goes around comes around.
Kaleah, in one of her books, writes that it is a universal law that what is rightfully ours WILL come back to us. We don't know how long a time it takes, but we will get back what belongs to us.
Thank you for writing. You all help me SO much
Love,
Trudy |
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Hi Trudy, Happy Wednesday. When I first became a manager/supervisor, it was scary to me. "If ONLY I were that strong!" "Listen, June, if you don't get it together and begin to proofread your work, I'm going to need to let you go." Yikes! How can I say something like that? Take a deep breath and SAY it. That's all. What's the worst that's going to happen if you walk up to that woman and say, "Hi! I'm Trudy. It's nice to meet you. I've heard alot of nice things about you." Put yourself right out there as being a really, really nice gal (you are -- so show it!). Nice, friendly, and loaded with CLASS. (Something the XNBF will envy, I am quite sure.) When I need to do something that scares me -- something like walking up to the XNBF's new GF -- I pretend as if I'm on stage. As if I am an actress, playing out a part. "Okay, Gloria -- here's the job: Pretend you're _____________ and say ____________." Take a deep breath, walk onto the stage, and perform. Something tells me that if you face this "fear," -- if you speak to that woman -- you are going to walk away feeling much, much more confident and less intimidated by the circumstances.  Gloria |
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Fortunately I never experienced this with the N I had a budding relationship with. He was pretty much universally acknowledged as a monument to ineptitude, mean, and abusive at work, except by his semi-senile boss, which is why he still had his position by the time I left.
But I work with an N now and although almost all of his colleagues dislike him, his boss likes him and he does a lot of that community service BS stuff to make him look good.
Inside, he's a raging maniac. I know I can't be the only one who sees it because most people who work with us don't like him. But I am pretty sure I am the only one who has seen the really ugly side of him. |
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Hey Trudy darlin', I saw your post late last night about how he came into your office, etc. Sorry I was so exhausted I couldn't write a reply at the time, but my first thought was that as soon as you moved your office (or office furniture) around and you weren't part of his audience with the GF anymore, you were botching his revenge, so here he comes... Those darned targets, always throwing a monkey wrench in their plans! :-) You know something? Someone very dear to me is a high up manager in a big company. When he gets "company wide" replies to what should be an individual reply, he immediately thinks "what an attention seeking pain in the a**." I bet there's plenty of people in your company wondering why THEY have to read a reply to YOU from him, when they've got nothing to do with it. Don't make a company wide reply, and don't reply to him either. No drama. So what, he thinks everyone thinks he's Mr. Hero of the Month. Ns always get what other people think wrong. You're on such a good track despite these awful circumstances. This GF doesn't mean anything to him, at least now you can clearly see how he's been using her. So score one for you! Affectionately, ~mems |
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What I would caution you to ready yourself for is this: when he does stop, if he stops, there will be a sense of loss. "He doesn't care anymore. He's not trying to play games or hurt me." This is what the little voice inside you will say. Remember that none of it has to do with YOU at all, just the supply he thinks he can get from you.
That's excellent advice, bestgirl! |
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On post # 20 that is good advice from bestgirl. I myself have felt this "loss." It's not only shocking to read, but to even acknowledge it. It's like I'm still stuck in the cycle of abuse.. any attention is better than nothing. |
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| | | From: Trudy185 | Sent: 30/10/2008 1:59 a.m. |
Thank you so much, these messages mean the world to me.
I will be ready for when he stops. Sometimes I think he just walks in this cloud of blackness, that any time I see him I will feel the malevolence and the projections. I will remember, though, if I feel the loss.
Gloria, that was fun! I wish! I promise I will entertain it, on a day I'm dressed to the 9s and coming from a good success. :) OK, I will even rehearse it. :)
parenchy, yes, inside my N is very angry, too, but he looks wonderful! Everyone thinks he's sweet (and also is Community Hero). I would have thought the same if I hadn't gotten closer to him.
mems, that made me laugh! Darn target, throwing in a monkey wrench! He got his back today, blocking something at work, and enjoying the chance to sneer. I never saw such ugliness. I wrote it in the "disoriented" thread.
mems, you know, I did not reply to his company wide email. I started to, and I couldn't do it. And I could tell he had a reaction to it, altho who knows what they feel. He was not happy his big gestures were not acknowledged in front of everyone. Thank you for that.
GF still looks really happy. I can't figure this out. She is NOT stupid. But she IS very young. (just 23).
Sorry I get long winded, it helps me so much to talk to you all.
One day I am going to be totally indifferent. One day. His projections will mean nothing, I won't care if he sneers. I AM GOING TO START VISUALIZING THAT DAY.
I love you all,
Trudy |
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| | | From: Trudy185 | Sent: 30/10/2008 2:01 a.m. |
Sorry, I"m not shouting with my caps. I use them to make something go into my head more. I feel in such a fog sometimes, I have to work hard to make words go in to my mind.
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