Hello Carrie

 

I so wish, I had the answer for you, as can hear your pain here, only you can get the answers to this........the best way to work this out is with a therapist, do you have support around you?? support, and awareness of this disorder, will help alot, also, removing yourself from his abuse, by way of NC, if that feels to scary, think of it, as giving yourself a break whilst you find your answers.......xx

cassiopia

thanks for the messages

the strange thing about me is im very friendly and talkitive. i like to be with people and i have many acquaintances but no close friends. there comes a piont in my relations with people that i just shut down. i just cant trust

carrie

I can relate to that, I wonder if it's like that for all children of N's, I think we are conditioned to feel that every relationship is going to end in hurt and unreciprocated feelings so we bail out early or stay but never seem to be able to fully trust or open up.

I found in my experiance that NC was definatly the way to go with my N mother, it's so hard to heal and work through what's going on when you have a constant bombardment of abuse. Although in my situation the cut off wasn't completely my choice, I told my mother I was no longer going to play games and realised we needed councelling if our relationship was going to work and told her to ring me if she was willing and we could arrange a councellour of her choice, that was over a year ago and I haven't heard back so I assume that means she isn't willing to go through with the councelling, and I'm not willing to continue our relationship as it was.

InArrested

 

I could have written exactly what you just said, am going through this at the moment, due probably to being post N..........

 

Have had to stop so called friendships, as they were not healthy, so ended up with none, and in the last 6 months or so, have been making new friends, and a few of them, if they so much as look at me in a toxic way, I shut off..........but, still remain friendly, just kindof back off and go distant..........I am very wary of getting close to anyone............as just want good healthy people around me at the moment, healthy people, are without a doubt the best people for myself to be around, as I feel relaxed, and not threatened, if that makes any sense.

 

Glad you brought this up.........am going to mention it to a therapist........xx

Hi Inarrested.

 

Have you heard of the word 'no'?

 

Why do you allow him to have contact with you?

 

Boundaries, boundaries

Hi Carrie,

I've found that they way to helping yourself "barricade" yourself against the N-father is to see a therapist, a good one you like, this may take awhile and to read up on NPD.

Once I started reading about what my father was, although he does still occaisonally still manage to hurt me, the times he can has very much dwindled.  When he says crazy hurtful things, I say to myself, you are so an N and let it roll off me.  I did find some help in the book "Children of the Self-Absorbed."  The book very much explained what I was and what he clearly was.  and finally, like all others say, you need to have as little contact  as you can.  I live with mine, but mostly he lives in the basement, I live upstairs in the master bedroom.  not a situation many would say is good, but there it is.

Also, when you do have contact, you do need to set boundries.  If something he says or does really distresses you, you need to cut him off at the knees.  That  you will not tolerate/discuss whatever really bothers you.  that's my 2 cents, hope it helps.

Carrie,

    It has taken me some time to come to terms with having a N for a father. It is not easy... Therapy did help a lot. I did things and got involved in things that helped me to feel good about me. It gave me the strength to stick up for myself and set boundries... The boundries are hard, N's hate and I mean hate boundries. I won't lie, sticking up for yourself will cause riffs and arguments but this is your life. Live it happily and the way you want it. People don't know what they don't know. It has helped me to remeber that my N dad can't help himself he is so out of control himself. Your dad's behavior has nothing to do with you as a person. Be strong!

 If you are not at the age where you are no longer financially dependent on him and you still live with him, you can still kind of NC him. Only speak to him if you have to, stay away from him as much as possible and if he tries to pick a fight or says something nasty, cover your ears and walk out. It will really annoy him, but if he baits you, walk away, don't take it. Then, when you are old enough, NC him. The hardest thing is that people like your dad and mine is that they make you believe that when you are young, you have no choice. They can give you all the crap they want and you are expected to take it. Well, speaking from experience- it doesn't matter how young you are you DON'T have to take it. The sad thing is that you probably won't be free of him until you are 18 (or as an abuser does- he'll try and hang on until your twenties) but stay strong and try to cut off emotionally from him as much as possible, so that when you can finally NC him, it won't be quite so hard. Remember, it's not your fault, your not a bad daughter, your not a disappointment. He has been a bad father, and you are emotionally cut off from him because of all the pain he put you through. Blood means nothing. I lost a whole family that was blood through him and they never cared. I'm living with my adoptive mum and my sister and I've never been happier. You have the power to make your own family. And if you don't want him it, so be it. Good luck, my darling. I hope it gets better for you. Kyra xxxxxx