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| | From:  chatte775 (Original Message) | Sent: 19/11/2008 11:10 p.m. |
Here's my list. And I question if he's an N???
He called me a whore.
He called me a stupid bitch.
He ignores me when I ask questions.
He lied about OW1.
He lied about OW2.
Still doesn't get OW2's name straight.
He lied about who called him one day - was a female, said male.
He doesn't like my friends.
He doesn't like my apartment.
He doesn´t like my style of living.
He doesn´t like my cats.
He doesn´t like how I dress.
He doesn´t like how I eat.
He doesn´t like what I eat.
Doesn´t like when I wear makeup.
Doesn´t like my hair style.
He doesn´t approve of my qualities that are like mom´s.
He doesn´t appreciate my job.
"You don´t know how to negotiate."
He is rude to waiters.
Doesn´t wait for me to order.
Rude to people in stores.
"I spend a lot of money here" - therefore he can be discourteous.
Wouldn't talk when at dinner with mom.
Fit in street when I tried to touch him.
Gets mad if I don´t answer phone.
Questions constantly who called.
Lied about OW3.
Talks about other women who are interested in him.
"I should have gone with OW4"
Went to beach with another woman without telling me - denies slept together.
Silent treatment when he doesn´t get what he wants.
Thinks I am selfish.
Talks poorly about his family.
Misogynist.
Killed dogs. Oh, the rationalization.
Twisted sense of logic.
Doesn´t follow through on promises.
"I´m not your masseuse" when I asked for backrub when was hurting. How dare I.
2 hours late to my birthday dinner.
Didn´t pick me up Xmas eve night...turned it into my fault...I was stupid.
Never says thank you.
Broke my lamp, watched me clean it up...never replaced, as promised.
Leaves towels on floor in my place.
"Piano would bother me" after he promised me a room for my piano at his ranch.
Speaks negatively of people constantly.
Doesn´t like to read books - thinks they are stupid.
Doesn´t call when says he will.
Talks about same issues over and over.
Creates negative feeling in others about him.
Blank stare when I cried after call from boss "if you were only 20 it would be ok"
"You are my best option."
"You can believe if I find someone better I will be gone."
Doesn´t like how I greet people. Too friendly.
Says it´s my fault that construction workers whistle at me in my walking clothes.
Not respectful of my mother "she's just a mother with all her limitations."
Says we were never friends (after saying our friendship is the most important thing).
Refused to acknowledge my neck problems could come from accident we had on his bike.
Was my fault the valet driver backed into me and knocked me over.
Lazy.
Always tired.
Sits around all day doing nothing.
No hobbies.
Takes up peoples' time with grandiose and illogical prospects...never follows through.
Prejudice against lower class.
Stares at other women.
Talks constantly about how beautiful other women are.
Swears a lot.
Degrades people.
Treats our relationship like a business.
"Consider all the money I spent on you as payment for your services."
Sarcastic when talking about my ethics and doings.
“A piece of meat.�?BR>Compares me to other women.
Purposefully tries to make me jealous �?OW5.
Checks up on me.
Twisted memory.
Projects constantly.
“You destroy the whole thing�?�?because I never say thank you.
Won’t let go of my past mistakes.
Does not try to inspire or support me with my interests.
“I want you here where I can control you.�?BR>“Will treat you like a gentleman when you act like a lady�?–said same thing to OW1.
My gestures of affection are not recognized.
I offer nothing to the relationship.
I make no effort.
Says I am not honorable to my father.
Empathy…devoid.
Self-absorbed.
Hypocrite. Says doesn’t just go to other women, but has. His reasons are ok, mine aren’t.
Upset I ignored his emails afterwards.
“None of your fucking business�?to a suggestion I made �?in front of co-worker, in my office.
Lied about OW - sheesh...lost count.
Proposed marriage to another woman �?denied it. Long fabricated explanation a few days later.
Called friend a “stupid fucking bitch�?for telling me about proposal.
“I deserve to be forgiven.�?BR>Says I was disrespectful talking about OW1001 �?never said a word about her.
“Why can’t you accept I am just different?�?to justify his lies.
Upset I sat in assigned seat on plane when he went up front. I obviously didn’t appreciate the trip.
“You lucky bitch.�? Because he likes me sexually.
“You are such a whore�?�?after sex.
My fault we missed train �?we was late getting back to station.
Plane schedule mishap all my fault �?yelled at me in front of others.
Wrong train mishap all my fault �?yelled at me.
Never saw what I wanted to see while traveling.
Took all pillows to watch TV in comfort.
Read newspaper in fancy restaurant, totally ignoring me.
Champs Elysées and Charles V over and over…obsessed with beautiful people.
Porche �?caprice �?entitlement.
Won’t take off shoes even though I ask him to.
Clothes shopping �?path of destruction.
Childish �?is he 5?
Nonsensical connections of thoughts.
Tit-for-tat.
That I wrote to male friend on trip justifies his bad behavior.
Didn’t say “I love you�?once on trip. Oh yes, because I wrote to friend. Silly me.
I am fake. “I can’t stand it.�?BR>Made fun of me folding my cargo pants. They aren't worth it.
Loved green shirt �?week later hated it.
Didn’t like boat tour �?week later it was the highlight of the trip.
Drama queen �?crying and throwing flowers into street.
Flowers –“I give you these with a lot of love, but also with a lot of hate.�?BR>Announced his love for me in front of friends �?was in state of euphoria.
Sobbed when I went with friend on trip. Got over it in a day.
Cried when said “Why can’t we just erase everything and be even?�?BR>Relationship is negotiation…percentages, arrangements.
Offered me stipend.
Wants me to quit job, and if I insist on working, work for him.
Annoyed that I wanted to thank his for errand he ran. “He works for me.�?BR>Insisted on telling waiters the olive oil was not pure.
Upset I didn’t do his hand wash �?he was too lazy to bring it to me.
Calls foreman at any hour, any day…no respect for personal time. “I pay him well.�?BR>Didn’t see reason to give foreman time off when father died.
Asked if there was something I could do to climax faster. Too much work for him.
Falls asleep right after orgasm. Doesn’t care if I am satisfied.
Ridiculous demands. “Let’s go tomorrow for a month to the beach.�? I give nothing to the relationship when I can't go.
Stalks me.
“You don’t give me what I need.�?BR>“I wonder if you will ever give me what I need.�?BR>“You’re still my best option �?isn’t that nice?�?BR>Lied to his mother about trip departure.
“Don’t ever talk to me again about my sister.�?BR>“I can’t stand my mother.�?BR>Pays mother Christmas bonus.
Ragingly upset when I didn’t answer phone when on date with another.
Thinks I should be more like certain friends of mine.
Wants life like a couple we know. Uh huh.
Can’t understand why I like my life, why I reject his.
Says I should have parties at my house to pay back invites. (I live in tiny apartment - room for 2).
Never brings wine or snack to parties.
Sat away from me part way through movie. Fell asleep.
Never asks how I am.
Repeats something I said a few days later, as his own thought.
“You want everything to be pink.�?BR>Mimics me. Sarcastic.
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| Sorry for that long post. Had to vent. The fog has lifted. Took 4 years. I want out. I am out. I will stay out. |
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| | | From: poppy | Sent: 20/11/2008 12:58 a.m. |
| I don't know why no one else has written-- maybe because the board is going to close and we are supposed to switch over to the other one-- but boy does he sound like an N! Big time. All the other women? The jealous rages? GET AWAY!!!! ugh he sounds awful. |
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| He sure sounds like an N to me. How long were you with him? Are you away from him now? |
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Thanks NF, I stuck it out for four years. How pathetic. I was on to him after a few months, thanks to a girlfriend of mine (OW1 - was with her before me, but denied their relationship). I try to be away, I do my damndest. But we live in a small town - in Mexico - and it's too hard. He knows where I work, he lurks around my office. Knows all my haunts. I refuse to hibernate and hide. I finally am doing little things like sitting such that I can't see the entrance in restaurants/bars, took him off my email, don't keep cell phone handy (so I miss his calls - I do not return them!). Been through the pattern so many times. He gets enraged, he gets loving, he gets distant. Around and around. I fear I might have to leave my little town to get away. But I won't be run out, damn it!!! And Poppy...yes! All the other women! That he denied flat out. Enraged when I called him on it. Turned it all around on me. Evidently, I was at fault! Go figure! I am sad, angry, hopeful, relieved. |
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| Sounds like an N to me. He is certainly degrading for you in everyway. He is highly dangerous and will suck every bit of life force out of you. He will then have the cheek to say you are stuffing his life up and blames you. Most think you are the cause of all there life problems because they are just after someone to blame. |
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Thank you all for your advice. Such a long, horrid list. I felt compelled to write a list of his positive traits, but why bother? None of the positive can balance out the negative. Oh, how I justified his behavior, how I let my self-esteem plummet. I thought I was better than that. I am! Guess I had to be ready to face the music when I was ready. |
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I would respond to thread on other site "Well Meaning Friends" but I just can't get in. So I will write here that everywhere I go in this small town, people ask "Where is X?" "You two are meant to be together." Ick. I can't get away from it. Those that don't know what it's like can't possibly fathom the hell we go through. I put on a happy face so that I don't crumble...doesn't always work. Oh, hell. I hate this. |
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| | | From: HopeYet | Sent: 20/11/2008 7:06 p.m. |
My GOD! Don't let him anywhere near you.
Stay OUT OUT OUT please X NY |
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Dear Chatte, Get away from him and stay away. Be grateful it has been 4 years and no more... You know he is not going to change, and can't but you can change your life for the better by moving on. Please go forward and not backward. I kept falling for my N's BS for so long, nice, mean, nice, mean, mean, mean, then a little nice to throw me a crumb to keep me hanging on. Thats what they do. Just do it-go-I promise the pain won't ever compare to the pain of staying with him. I wasted 8 years of my life and I will never get stuck with one of these evil creeps again. I wish you all the strength and love. You can do this. |
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| I am sooo glad you are all writing telling me to get away and stay away. I know I need to, and reading everyones' posts helps me tremendously. "Hearing" it directly from you all, people who GET IT, is what I need. My friends just don't understand. It is so hard here - small town, and everyone identifies us as being together. Can't go anywhere without someone asking about him, or saying what a great couple we are. I cry inside every time. I can be out with friends and go from happy to miserable in the blink of an eye. I excuse myself and go home to cry. I am so tired of hurting, so tired of trying to find some glimmer of hope. I'm done. I know I will see him soon, when he deems me worthy of his presence and when he needs me for his stupid NS. I wish I had it in me to stare him down and say "leave me alone". I am to bloody nice, and it gets me nowhere. I can, however, pull away, not be available either physically or emotionally. He will probably rage - he has in the past. I don't care anymore. Let him do what he wants to do. I won't live in fear. He's never shown any signs of physical violence towards me. Have heard rumors from others... What does a gal have to endure to stop the pain??!! |
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Chatte, I wish I could tell you there won't be any pain, but that would just be lying to you. Yes, it does hurt and it will for awhile, we all heal at different rates. But just know we are here for you. You will stay in a perpetual state of pain if you continue on with him, either living with or seeing him. For years I stayed cause I did not want to walk through the pain, but then God led me to this board and it has literally been my lifeline. So many who have been where you are, and are where you are, are on here. You are NEVER alone. We do understand. Don't even try to explain to people on the outside. They will never get it cause they have never walked in it as we have. Even my own mother still dosen't get it I think. Walk through it here with us and you will get through it. Slowly one day at a time but it will happen and slowly the pain will begin to subside and you will find yourself again and happiness without him. I am so thankful for the peace I am finding in my life, for my health that is returning and my sanity, for my new found self-esteem that is growing in me, for this board, for life. One year ago at this same time I could have NEVER said that if it weren't for this board. I wanted to die. Is that the life you want with him? He WILL drain the life out of you. You are so precious, save yourself, only YOU can. Now I am sending you a big ole "HUG" and lots of love. |
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Thank you so much, SOH! One day at a time. It is a relief to know I don't have to do this completely on my own. I hesitated writing in. "I can do this on my own!" Well, obviously I couldn't. I just let myself be swayed back into his clutches. I feel like repulsion is right around the corner, and I want to get there so badly. No more Mrs. Nice Guy!!! And you're right...even our closest family members don't necessarily get it. My parents and brother can't understand why I give him even a second thought. They thankfully have a lot of patience and faith in me. It keeps me going. Sending you hugs, too.
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here are the best from early on in the sickness - "I am a good liar" "You deserve better" "I bet the day after you leave me I get a job" "Let's save some for later" (sex) "There is something wrong with me - I want to hurt you" "Women always hurt me, please don't leave me" here are the best from close to the end - "After all this plays out can we get back together" "Don't blame yourself when it is over" "I am sorry for everything" pause "can you give me a ride to work tomorrow" "How can I help you move if I don't know where you are moving to" "I need your phone number so we can talk sometime" "I will never be happy" "I really don't hate you" amazing - |
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OMG!!!!! He killed dogs?????????????????? I didn't even read the rest of your list after that. All you would have had to have tell us is that he killed dogs and we would have been convinced he was seriously sick in the head. This guy is seriously deranged. |
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