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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 13 in Discussion |
| From:  kyrajames (Original Message) | Sent: 28/10/2008 10:55 p.m. |
I have met alot of people that seem to be scared of the notion of being alone, and I just wanted to say something about that, and I wonder if there are any thoughts on being alone? I think, quite frankly, after being in a relationship, or being involved in any capacity with an abuser, that being alone is one of the most important aids in our healing. We can only achieve complete autonomy when we are alone. Being alone allows us to be okay with our own company, to grow to like, and then love ourselves. Being alone encourages independent thinking, and I think, helps to heighten our opinion of ourselves because we accomplish our lives work, and any other project that we have on our own. We gain strength from being on our own, we don't have to rely on others reflections and opinions of us to keep us going, we can achieve that all on our own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone, IMO. Most importantly, I think it can heal our codependent issues, to learn to look after ourselves. Any thoughts? (((Hugs))) Lots of Love, Love Kyra xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  |
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Hi Kyra, Thank you so much for sharing these very wise and positive thinking thoughts with us. I agree with you totally about this. It is learning to live alone and be happy with ourselves instead of needing someone else to provide us with love and happiness that is the healthy way to live. It sounds like you are healing, strong and doing great! I'm happy for you! Hugs, Had Enough |
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| | | From: dolly | Sent: 29/10/2008 12:01 a.m. |
I agree with you. However, my situation wasn't conductive of feeling OK being alone. I had two teens in this country, and no other relatives at all. I had very few friends, xNPh didn't allow me to have friends. I couldn't get any support from anyone, one lady friend had lots of sisters, brother, niece, nephews, so for her it wasn't such a big issue. She had places to go to during holidays. I was very lonely while married to the xNPh, after the divorce it didn't improve a great deal. I've dated a lot of frogs, took me 7 years to find a prince... Dolly |
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Very wise words Kyra. There are worse things than being alone, namely, being with an N or in any other abusive relationship.
As for codependency, the condition applies to individuals who seek out destructive individuals to care for. These are their relationship choices. I have a hard time seeing how that can apply to people who find themselves with Ns --- they aren't the guys we chose. We chose people who seemed to adore us. I guess the term 'doormat' might apply, but even that makes the assumption that we recognized the relationship as abusive from the get-go. Most Ns are stealth abusers, and covert abuse messes up your head long before you figure out what's really going on. Why we stay as long as we do has more to do with being emotionally eviscerated than being codependent.
I think you are all amazing, and any issues any of us may have had, they did very little to contribute to the situation we found ourselves in. As my son put it, "we were ambushed." Work on your issues, grow, learn, be smarter, but stop short of ever considering any of this had anything to do with you. |
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I am loving being alone and for the first time ever. I guess once you hit my age and you've bombed with a few N's..........you start thinking this romance thing with the phony guys is for the birds. I would welcome a healthy man with open arms, but I've got to get all the way healthy first. I'm in no rush............I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Great post Kyra!! |
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| | | From: nettie | Sent: 29/10/2008 2:42 a.m. |
 Just put my first thread in two years since first being here and I agree with you soooo much. Yes I want to get back into the "Normal relationship" but know that if I dont find me then I have no hope. Its so hard finding me again though. He took away all my hobbies. One of them was painting. I have been painting again now for 3 months and have found a new niche. The confidence to get out there and sell is another thing but I have also learnt that in a way I have to be like him and belive in myself. He did something right I suppose so nothing ventures nothing gained.xx |
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Boy, after leaving (and then divorcing) XN, I had a GREAT couple of years alone. I did have the kids full time with essentially no help from him, so that was hard sometimes, but the kids and I really had fun..... he always complained about toys left out....we left the toys out he always wanted dinner done a certain way, meat, vegetable, salad, potatoes.....the kids and I would eat spaghetti all week long if we felt like it he complained about what a crappy housekeeper I was.....I finally stopped worrying about keeping everything perfectly clean, and spent more time with the kids at the playground, or with our family, laughing and having fun he had always been so critical about how I looked--I was fat, he hated my hair, thought my clothes looked dumpy, etc.......so after we left I wore what ever the hell I wanted and did my hair so I was comfortable, and felt more beautiful than I had since age 25.... living alone after XN was pure freedom. I woke up happy for the first time in years. It was sooooo peaceful. Being alone gave me time to heal and think about what had been missing from my life...and especially what I wanted the rest of my life to be like. I reconnected with family and friends I had been isolated from during my marriage. The decisions I have made since that time have been very positive and very focused. |
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To have passed through life and never experienced solitude is to never have known oneself. To have never known oneself is to have never known anyone. –Joseph Wood Krutch, The Desert Year
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So very true GN. I think a lot of people think being alone equates to being lonely? I never got that whole concept. I love what I call my 'alone time'. My time to recharge my batteries, to get the house clean (and stay clean until my teenager comes home) and not to have to answer to anyone for anything. That is pure heaven to me. |
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| I agree being alone is part of the healing process. Yes it's lonely at first because we are use to having another person there. As time goes on after NC you find the person you were before the N. A little different, wiser, older, and hopefully smarter when it comes to relationships and love. I have found a since of peace and acceptance the person in my past is not part of my future. Life goes on and I am happy and content with myself. I don't clench my teeth anymore and I am not so stressed out I can't fall asleep. I wish I weighed less and had back those six years of youth, but I'm ok. I like me. I have plenty of friends and I'm not lonely at all. When the right person comes along I'll be ready and I won't carry so much baggage of the N. I think I'll be able to recognize a REAL great guy when I see one and I will also be able to recognize a fake one too. |
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Dear Trinity
I absolutely agree on that"heaven to me"..yes..this is heaven to me too.
Since I have three wonderful children I am not alone but even when they are out I never feel negative about it always very peaceful and good.
I can act free in my home and do all the things I like to do and concentrate on myself.
Never ever again will I give that up this heavenly feeling.
X
Sarigul |
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