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| | From:  LyricMamoo (Original Message) | Sent: 25/11/2008 1:14 a.m. |
How do you forgive an NPD person? I am grappling with this since I know that for my own healing and strength I need to forgive, but I don't want to forget. Any advice from you folks on how to let go of the past and all the hurt and damage while not excusing the N's behaviour or pathology?
Thanks for any ideas you might have.
Lyric |
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| Its easy to forgive sane people, but to forgive a n is like forgiving the devil. Unless your Gandhi or some other high conscious person i don't know if its possible only time will tell.We just have to get on with our life's as best as we can. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 3 of 11 in Discussion |
| | Sent: 25/11/2008 3:21 a.m. |
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This is not a normal person with empathy, remorse, love, care, etc.
Normal forgiveness does not apply. It's not as if he is going to learn anything from it.
You walk away with your head held high and you never forget, never make the same mistakes.
Instead of forgiving, you channel those energies into you, fixing the holes in your boundaries that let his poison take over your mind and your soul.
In other words, you forgive yourself. And you make yourself healthier. |
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| I think we can't for them come until you are able to forgive yourself. I think forgiveness takes time. When it comes to the N, forgiveness equals indifference. Forgiveness is when the hate is replaced with indifference. It takes time and NC. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. I cycle back and forth because certain events, such as holidays or certain times of the year. There are memories that are scars that take time to fade. As time goes by new memories that are better come and replace the old, bad ones. I think it takes years to overcome the abuse, and the memories, but it does happen when we make happy memories, to replace the old ones. We can't forget what the N did, but we can learn from it and let it go as time goes by and the pain and hurt isn't as strong. Forgiveness is letting go of the the anger and the pain. It is for us. Not the N. We do not have to break Contact in order to forgive. We just have to let go of the bad feelings we have toward them. Don't confuse forgiving with making friends with the N. I don't want to be friends with any abuser, weather it's the N or not. |
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I too thought I needed to forgive the XN for what a horrible snake he is, but the truth is he doesn't deserve it. I don't need to be angry, I refuse to carry it with me, but is he forgiven? Absolutely not. I learned that forgiveness is something we do to try and move on, but it's actually overrated. I refuse to forgive because what he did was wrong! I refuse to even pretend for one minute that I forgive him, because I never will, however, I also refuse to be angry. I refuse to carry the pain.
What I did to let go was to make my life good. I accepted what he did was wrong, and at no time will it ever be ok or forgivable. I was always someone who forgave, and do you know what it got me? Sucked back in.
It's easier to move on, once you have accepted they are what they are, and that nothing you could have done would change that. Realize your life is your own and it's all in your control. Let go of the hurt by knowing it wasn't your fault, while telling yourself, it wasn't ok or acceptable, but it's taught you to be a better person.
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yes, a month after I escaped 20 months ago I did the exNBAlco that I knew for almost 4 yrs that I forgave him because it was for me to stop being angry and hateful toward him for what he did to me. But, I have of course had a lot of responsibility for what happened. Yes, he is not only a Narc but a Borderliner also and because of it did all kinds of very sick things to destroy me. Almost succeeded. Don't worry about forgiving them - they are not normal anyway - do what is right for you, Peace |
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| Forgiveness is for me. I can never forget what the N did to me. I feel incredible stupid for allowing it for so long. There were times that I went back to the N and thought I had forgiven the N, but I hadn't. Real true forgiveness takes time when the hurt goes so deep. It's impossible when the abuse never ends, it only subsides for a short period. The abuse is like a sore that heals to a scab every once in a while, only to opened again by Narcissistic injury. Only when I went NC, did it start to heal and even then, the scars are there for ever. The N doesn't deserve our forgiveness, but we deserve forgiveness from ourselves. It's hard and it takes time. The anger at him keeps me from moving on, but it has gotten better since NC. I am just thankful that I haven't ran into him anywhere. I don't know how I would react. I don't want him to have power over me so getting rid of the anger is the last step in my recovery. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what they did. They don't deserve to be in our lives. To me it means letting go of the past and finding peace again, letting God take care of the N. |
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*** God Mentioned *** Lyric: Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Do it for yourself, not them. You can't help them anyway, you can only help yourself. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness - - - and bitterness makes for a very unhappy person. Bitterness is also the cause of many cancers, headaches and premature aging. Don't allow them this type of control over your life. Do what you must to resolve the events of your past but in all you do, forgive. If you should start to think about the N, stop yourself and say outloud, NO! I choose to forgive. Now, you can do all this on your own but it's much easier with God's help and God's grace. Without it, I don't know how I would have done it. Hope this helps. Fran |
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| | | From: Amora52 | Sent: 27/11/2008 6:04 a.m. |
Forgive??? OMG.....My counselor, and my support groups, and books, and church say to forgive, so that I can heal internally.... But......it is OH SO HARD because the damage, the pain, the continual horrific reminders of the scattered debris he left me to deal with are everpresent......everywhere in the house, everytime a bill collector calls, the monies I'm paying to my team of lawyers (yes, because of EVERYTHING he has done), knowing he wants me to pay him alimony, knowing he has turned one of our children against me......... constant living in the present of what I just want to forget-------that is why it is so damned hard to FORGIVE...... But, I know eventually I will have to....... get over this anger, this angst, this confusion.... I have to admit I'm much better than I was 11 months ago---- actually not even comparable---I can get thru hours without thinking of him-----I can sleep all night-----I can eat (maybe even more than I should be!!!!)----I can smile and laugh and not look distraught-----and I can REALLY have fun!!!! But, I know I haven't forgiven----but, now I can acknowlege and accept that he has a sick mind----and that is why some of what he has put thru happened........ so....hmmmm, maybe I'm getting there... Most important we each have to take care of ourselves------forgive ourselves for "allowing" this to happen, for-----I guess in a sense---being co-dependent. I am returning to the confidant, strong, independent woman he first fell in love with-----and he saw that person in court last week and I knew he was stressed-----and it felt so good to see him distraught, and not me!!!!! And, I think I saw a little, just a little, regret........or maybe it was the reality that things were not going his way in court..... yeah, I'm sure that was it was!!!! |
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