Hello laughingdragons
I lost my dad this Jan. - on New Year's Day - sudden, massive, heart attack - i had no chance to say goodbye really - but had a very good relationship with him - & even closer these past few years due to the craziness surrounding my mother and brother. Prior to this, other than Christmas Day, i had not seen or spoken to my mother or brother in 4 mos. (well, longer for my brother). That nite in the emergency room was quite challenging besides the natural level of pain of losing my dad.
My "education" - or enlightenment i guess you could call it, with narcissim began about 4 years ago through a series of events where my brother's lifestyle was exposed. A very broken woman he was involved with then, began to unload information about him to me. He is 7 years older than i and we've never been close. I would've described him as arrogant, distant, condescending & un-approachable then. I supppose those adjectives still fit, but i no longer see him as smarter or more "together" than me these days. I see him as quite weak and twisted as well. After repeated instruction to call instead of e-mail me, he still doesn't pick up the phone. I have not seen him since the memorial service on Jan. 5th and really, glad that i haven't.
My mother is another story -
Prior to that summer 4 years ago i would have described our relationship as quite strong - close - honest, truthful and loving. Even fun.
There is practically nothing fun about her now. Of course she's not as vibrant now in her mid-70's, but the lack of vibrance is not what zaps the fun. Sadly, I've learned that she's just about as much a narc as he is. It's harder for me to see it in her though. I don't know if that's cause it hurts much more cause she's my mother, or because he's a guy and i can more readily see narc traits in guys. I'm not sure. She has hurt me to the core in a betrayal sort of way and she's the last one to know it. Although she still acts in hurtful ways, the pain is not as sharp. After my dad's death, i feel like i was catapulted into her life again. I had a bumpy ride with her prior to his death; sometimes not speaking to her for mos. at a time; struggling to process what was going on when she was becoming blind to the circus-like events that were going on with my brother and this manipulative, train-wreck of a woman. I missed out on seeing more of my dad these past few years cause of not wanting to be in her presence. When he died, i felt somewhat forced to deal with her. She can be quite melo-dramatic and emotional and "sensitive" & it tends to hook me. My heart strings have naturally gotten tugged seeing her lose her 54-year marriage partner. I get upset with myself and have blue days from feeling like i'm not dodging the hooks well enough. It's tough. I'm her only daughter and my brother doesn't really give a rip about her - - he just pretends too so he won't look like the self-centered pig that he is.
Towards the end of this week, it'll be a month since i've spoken to her - - the longest since he died. I'm struggling with it. But i'm also hanging back cause she treats me with such passive-aggression. I feel that i've gracefully reached out to her in kindness since we lost daddy and she still acts like an a$$*%^& to me.
The latest bump is this e-mail i've gotten from my N brother - a manipulative testing-of-the-waters with me to see how i'm going to act if there's a hurricane evacution. (i live in the Katrina area) He wants me (& my husband) to drive her up to where he lives 10 hr's from here. I always get the hives when he contacts me for any reason cause i have virtually no trust with him. He's the most deceitful person i know and he's also so twisted he'll insult you one minute, then make a joke about it the other. (Typical for narcs i've learned). Plus, when he e-mails me i know it's cause he can calculate every word in it and if i let it, it would quickly become a tit-for-tat debate. He's so sick he'll send e-mails back & forth for weeks if you play into it. He thrives on debate. He's always treated me like he's superior to me - - - & still operates in that mode. The changes & the healing that i've experianced don't matter to him. He sees me and others as beneath him.
I told her we'll put her on a plane.
Thankfully, besides 2 responses, he hasn't started with the e-mail torture this time around. But i NEVER trust him.
So - good for you and good for me that these narc siblings live miles away -
just wish i could pack up my mother in a crate and send her "no return address" !!!
thanks for listening
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