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I have written to this website many times, all your answers have been so inspirational, I read them over and over again and feel empowered, then the telephone rings and every ounce of strength disappears!, I become a babbling, crying and begging mess. This man whom I have allow to take away my self-confidence, my strength and my personality has done a grand job. He holds me in a very destructive hold. He claims I am the crazy drama queen, he does no wrong. I wake up some mornings sick to my stomach and yearning for him, next morning I wake angry and feel empowered. I have now started having suicidal ideations, I even wish him dead, then I call him and cry. All I want him to do is to love me for whom I am, I want him to understand that I am not this crazy person, then I beg for him to see this and he doesn't, he just continues to tell me that I have difficulties maintaining a relationship (I know this not to be true). So this very sick destructionally game continues. Then with time, he suddenly changes, he breaks every rule to show me how much he loves me, he makes me feel special and so amazing. I turn my back on everyone who picked me up when I was down, stop reading this website and slowly form this loving bond with the devil. Then the pattern returns, but with each time it returns, I am weaker, he is stronger and my friends turn away and call me a fool. I am back in this pattern of hell, I see him as a devil, he treats me so badly, yet I take it, time and time again. Before I met him I felt so strong, full of self-confidence, I was me, loved being me now I hate me, I hate being with me and I am so lost and confused. The only wise thing I have done is I never mix business with pleasure or disaster, so I go to work, do a grand job and NO_ONE knows the hell I am going thru'. On the otherhand I have NO friends that I can cry to when I feel like this, they are all quite sick of me and my destructive patterns. How do I stop this madness. I know he never will be the man I think he is, today he is the devil, he is cruel, unkind and just loves seeing me in despair. When the devil is in him, he ridicules me, smiles a sardonic grin and shakes his head when I talk to him. He thinks he all that and more, I feed his ego and he feeds off my goodness and my ability to forgive. I know the first step is to walk away and stay away. I just cannot resist him. Surely others have been there and done that. Help me find my strength to finally end this chaotic mess I am in. |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 2 of 5 in Discussion |
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| I hear you and i know what your going, If you join the new site the brothers and sisters will help you get your strength back. This site is inactive and most members are now posting on the new site. Remember no contact don't call him don' let him call you. You have to erase this demon and eventually you will be you again. |
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Hi AT,
You are riding on a maniacal merry-go-round and the thing is-you need to get off.
So why can't you? That is the question. What occurs to me is that you are, on some level, unconsciously getting something from this situation. I don't mean this as a criticism but to try to get to the root of why you can't just dump this toxic beast.
I know it can be very difficult to accept that we may be getting something from a painful, dismal, bad situation but that is how it works many times. He has not put a gun to your head and forbade you to leave. You are playing this game as a type of choice. Why would you choose this?
Have you been in any kind of therapy? If not, you need to be. You need to start, if you already haven't, to rummage around in that old FOO-that family of origin. Most of these kinds of things start there. Never underestimate the kinds of perverse, hidden, secretive, awful, legacies, drives, defenses, suppressed wishes, injunctions and just basic horrible psychological cr@p that is still brewing deep down inside. You know, in the unconscious there is no time, so something could have happened thirty or forty years ago and still be as active and strong as if it was yesterday.
Could you have a deep need to be punished? Or to sacrifice yourself to another? There is a reason why you are allowing this man to treat you this way. Do you feel that's all you deserve?
Whatever it is-the first thing you have to do is go NO CONTACT with him. He is poison-he has a toxic orbit and as long as you are in it, you cannot think straight. Frankly to me he sounds utterly reprehensible and foul-not anything I would like to be around.
What he is doing to you, with the hot and cold, the nice and nasty is basically a form of TORTURE. Why are you allowing yourself to be tortured. Did someone torture you as a child?
You need to answer these questions and then your need for this man will drop from you like a bad habit.
Post, read, educate yourself here on the board, keep on keepin' on. Knowledge is power. You CAN get out of this situation if you set your face like flint and persist. Don't give up! And try posting on the new site now-that is where the action is now. Do you know where it is-runboard.com
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Just found out about the new site and would like to be part of it, thanks,
Marcie
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Help me find my strength
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2008 09:14:55 -0800
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Help me find my strength
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backfireman
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I hear you and i know what your going, If you join the new site the brothers and sisters will help you get your strength back. This site is inactive and most members are now posting on the new site. Remember no contact don't call him don' let him call you. You have to erase this demon and eventually you will be you again. |
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I have been where you are. I could have written your post a year ago. Tomorrow it will have been a year since the final breakup. I N dipped a couple of times but the last time I was able to get some closure, and It helped. I don't recommend doing that. We broke up more times than I can remember. He always cheated with the other women sometime within days of getting back together. Closure didn't come any of the other times. I can only say time makes it easier, your friends will understand if you stay away from him and don't obsess with them, about him. It isn't easy. The more time that goes by, friends and family come around. It's very hard, when you need to vent, go to the new site and vent to all of us. We have all been there, we will not judge, but some of us will be brutally honest if there is a need to be. You must go NC. I was like you I thought I had lost everyone's respect including my own. People who love you never left you, but they do get tired of hearing us obsess, about the N when they D&D us. They see us go back to the N, and each time we are hurt. They can't help us. It's out of their control. The thing to think about is, would you want some one you love to be treated the way that you were. NO. So if you need to talk about the N then do it with us, on the new site. We will respond and there is always someone who will be on here to help you.
I agree with you the N is the devil. When you happiest is when they do their worst. They can't let anyone be happy for long before they have to blow it apart. I told the N that only the devil could treat me like he does. Real love does not hurt. He is the devil so when and if he makes contact remember that. If he calls you program him in your phone as the Devil then don't answer it when he calls. Block his email address and don't listen to his voice mail. If you can get on youmail.com and personalize your voice mail so that if he does call, he gets a nasty message and then a hangup. He won't be able to leave messages.
NO Contact is power and it is the best revenge ever. Listen to empowerment songs. There have been threads on here before with titles of empowerment songs. Start a new one on the other site. They helped me. Read and Read. Most of all think about how much better it is, how much stronger you get when your away from the N. But BEWARE, when your strong, is when they come back, so they can destroy you all over again. It's a vicious cycle that is only stopped when you go NO CONTACT.
Good luck
Wildwon |
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