I don't quite know what you mean here, I don't understand you.  But I am very interested in what you have to say.  Due to the fact that my kids father is an N and continues to push buttons however he can.

HI Koodra. I agree. they have to want/need u more than you need them

 

 

 

 

 

Consequences can be handed out by the one being manipulated...I know this because I did it successfully, but regretfully.  My NP was shocked and furious over what I did to him.  I realized that tears, pleading, and trying to get him to understand what I was feeling, because of his treatment of me, was a waste of time.  The trick is to be smarter, stronger, and saner than the NP.  Through well-placed phone calls to powerful people, I effectively "crippled" my NP and caused him to be shunned by the very people he had once fooled.  His tactics are no longer believable.  Even his family detest him and have abandoned him.  His pity party came to an abrupt end.  He is now reduced to living in a camper on a fixed income and has aged very badly.  But like the proverbial ZOMBIE that he is, he will come back from the dead zone of NS famine and seek out another victim sometime soon.  I regret that I had any hope of  "teaching him a lesson."  It will NEVER happen!!  I wish he was insane...that would be a joy compared to what he really is.

Whether the N can be controlled through consequences or not isn't the issue.  The REAL issue is...do you really want to live your life with a partner who you have to punish or threaten to punish in order for the partner to treat you right?

 

It does work, but it's not worth the constant upheaval in your life.  My ex was a participant in a program they call "Drug Court."  While he was in jail for beating his father almost to death (a rampage that was alcohol/drug induced), he was accepted in to this program, and in return, he was released from jail with the understanding that if he violated ANY of the terms of this program, he would be sent back to jail.  This program was EXTREMELY intense and very demanding of his time.  He had to report to a probation officer.  He had to attend AA/NA meetings 5 days a week.  He had to agree to urine/blood alcohol/drug tests several times a week.  He had to be employed at all times.  He had to attend MADD meetings (Mothers against Drunk Drivers).  He had to report to Drug Court one a week.  The demands were many and he had little time for anything else...something he bitterly complained of when he talked about this experience.  I will tell you, though...he is terrified to EVER repeat the act(s) that landed him in that position.  So, in this case paying the consequences did work.

 

In the case of my relationship with N, I found myself leaving him, or threatening to leave him several times as a tool to "straighten him up."  And he would for a while, but then eventually fall right back in to his abusive pattern.  So I'd leave him again for a while, then go back when he promised to do "better."  And each time I left him, the "straightening up" time would be shorter before I'd have to do it again.

 

It's exhausting and disruptive to your happiness and peace of mind.  And should you decide to stay with N, you will have to accept that this will be a life-long pattern.

 

No thanks!!

 

~Resist~

Koodra,

Resisting 1 is right about having to live constantly in a state of CORRECTION and CONSEQUENCES.  It is not worth it...the N is not worth it, no matter how many "good" memories you have of the relationship.  I retaliated in an intelligent and very successful manner against my N, but it did not give me a sense of satisfaction.  I still had to deal with the ultimate loss of a union that was never connected.  I loved what could have been, what should have been, but was never really there.  It was all about possibilty not reality.  No matter who the N in your life is, disconnect from that person or continue to deteriorate physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally!  It will be the hardest thing you will ever do and also the smartest!

here, here! I agree whole heartedly, I think living with an N in your life is like living with a poisonous snake, you may be a good handler but the reality is a snake is a snake and given any oppurtunity is likely to bite, so the options are, be constantly on gaurd to duck and weave or move the damn snake out of the house. I know which is easier in the long run....who wants to live in a state of constant stress?

 

 

 

Koodra

 

"They may be willing to comply just as they do  in court " ?????

 

You've got to be kidding !  You must know a very mild N.

<<Therapist friend says per the court system N's can be controlled thru consquence
>>

 

Maybe briefly. The problem is that when the court is no longer looking they come back for revenge. If they can't reach us then they will take out their frustrations on other people, sometimes with tragic consequences.

 

Anyone who puts them in their place and shames them becomes a target.  It's all part of the N game.