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| | | From: had enough (Original Message) | Sent: 24/10/2008 2:40 a.m. |
O.K., I had a destructive N mother, who fits every one of the criteria for NPD. She beat us every day of our lives, often unconscious, until I was about 10. She stopped because my last brother was born with birth defects, and she lived in another State with him for his medical help. She did terrible emotional abuse to us too. For us, it was like living in a concentration camp with no escape and daily torture. She called me the other day, and in a conversation said, "Your brother told me I spanked him". In a very oily voice she added, "I never did that to you did I?". I mean, could she really not know or remember all the hundreds of horrible beatings she gave to us. It really made me sick. I simply said, "I have to go now, talk to you later". I keep the contact down to a minimum with her, only to have contact with my father. Has anyone else experienced this with a n mother or father? Thanks! Had Enough |
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| | From:  dolly | Sent: 25/10/2008 11:43 p.m. |
I think they have selective memory. They select what they want to remember. If there is any benefit for them by denying, they will deny. If there is any benefit for them to remember, they'll remember. Zlata, I give you credit for watering their plants. If anyone said to me what your mother said to you about stealing from her, I would have walked out and never returned. My my NPmother said something similar to me. She had a cabinet that she locked always, carried the key with her. She has taken out of it a large plastic bag half filled with white pills. She was shaking the bag in my face and said they are sleeping pills, and when she had enough of life she will take them all. I was talking to their Dr., and mentioned to her what my NPmother said because I was worried. Wouldn't you know the woman told my mother? Next time when I was visiting, my NPmother said: You were rummaging through my stuff, huh? The Dr told me about it. I was mortified that my own mother would accuse me of breaking into her locked cabinet... I've never forgiven her for that. That was the one before the last straw. After the last straw I went NC. They are nasty people. Dolly |
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Hi Dolly, Yes they are vicious and nasty people. Recently, I had the fortune to absolutely know that I would do what was needed to protect myself and children from my nm. She and my father drove up here to look at houses in the town about 25 minutes north of where I live. She told the realtor that I didn't like my boss, and all sorts of personal stuff about me. The realtor is friends with my boss. I was deathly afraid she had gotten me fired. This all happened in one day, she almost ruined my life as I know it and have built it to be in a few hours. It would not be easy for me to find another job right now. So, I told her that she had no right to tell another soul anything about me. I had mentioned to them a few months ago that my boss ( whom I suspect has many n traits, if not a full blown NPD) was picking on her staff. Most importantly, I told her that I could not have her living anywhere near me, and that if they moved up here, I would have to move. Within two days of staying with us at that time, I was reduced to a nervous wreck, my children were hiding in their rooms, and I worried about my reputation in the small town I work in. Of course she turned this around on me to use against me. Didn't stop her though for trying to manipulate me into coming down there to pack them up. I am just thankful that they are staying 6 hours away. I want to somehow cut it off with her before she gets much older. I feel this is cruel, if you are talking about a normal person. However, this woman would destroy anyone who helped her if she could. It is like an animal who eats her young. Going North, I don't believe in spanking, (you can understand why), and never spanked my children, who are really nice people, however, what this woman did to us was not in any way "normal spanking". She tortured us. I think that my experience having a nm, makes me even more empathetic to the children who experience this My father was in the military and was never at home. Even though both sets of grandparents lived closeby, they didn't know what she was doing to us. We spent each weekend with my father's parents, and that saved us because they were lovely people and gave us unconditional love and peace.(We never told because we thought it was normal, and because we knew the beatings would be far worse if she found out we had told). With my own children, I jumped in between them and the xnh so that he could not physically do anything to them, however, it still affected them very badly to have to live with this tension and anger in their household. Thank you all for your replies, it is interesting to hear what other people have done and are doing. Hugs, Had |
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| | | From: dolly | Sent: 26/10/2008 12:58 a.m. |
.(We never told because we thought it was normal, and because we knew the beatings would be far worse if she found out we had told). We all think alike. I thought it was normal to be beaten and kicked, told that I'm a horrendous curse on her, I'm worthless, etc, etc... At the same time I thought I deserved it because if my own mother tells me what a horrid kid I was, it must be true. I wouldn't tell anyone, because if I was so bad I didn't want anyone to find out. As far as spanking goes, when all else failed, I spanked my kids. 40+ years ago it wasn't so terrible sounding as it is today. I reminded them how they were expected to behave 3 times. If they didn't listen, I spanked them. I've never beat them or been abusive emotionally or mentally. I knew how that hurts. No child deserves that. Hugs to you too, Dolly |
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Hello,
About spanking, well, I had times I didn't know what to do when my guys were younger, I have yelled, and have spanked them , just to make them stop fighting. Now they laugh how ineffective I was, and how it didn't hurt.So those are my sins regarding that issue, and I knew the difference not to be emotionally and what I consider physically abusive.
Dolly, it is amazing how the N game goes, I guess I needed to "ripen" more before I went NC, 2 years ago. I think flowers incident happen as I was going through my own marriage breakdown, and I didn't have all the info necessary to sort sort all out. But, boy as she got older, she became more careless and started to give away her " bag of tricks".
That was mean , Had enough, that your NM almost made you loose a job. What I found very disturbing that my NM, had actually talked badly about me during a period I was there for her and my father, helping them financially, driving them, giving them all kinds of stuff. My mother had made those comments how she felt sorry for me that I got divorced ( I wasn't) how sorry she was for me to have to take care of all the men in the house ( I wasn't) and all those animals ( I wasn't), so she had a great pity party going around. There was more, but let me tell you, now that I am gone, it is pure rage, stories change by the minute.
Oh, and now she stops and talk to my XH , as they are joint in same cause,BOTH are out of my life, and both get no attention.
Take care, Zlata |
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Oh Dolly, I am so sorry that you went through this too. You too Zlata and Going North. There are so many of us, and yes, we all thought the same way as children. We didn't really know better. Just a question to those with n parents, do you have trouble going to sleep at night? I have since early childhood, and if I wake up during the night, I have anxiety, even after so many years of therapy. Hugs, Had |
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Dolly, What a courageous story you have! I agree with you that it is time to live. I can understand about the "shoving it down" way of coping. I did that too for years. It is wonderful that we can speak together of it here. Hugs, Had |
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Zlata, My brother has supported my parents for 4 years now, putting himself in debt. My nm is telling everyone that he stole all their money. She would (and almost has) take his last dime and then make him look bad. He has never done any therapy and is still very codependent about her. It really breaks my heart. Hugs, Had |
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I think it is important to know who you are and are not. It allows you to walk away.
Remember: "Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and mental illnesses are passed on to other family members. It is a cycle that only a healthy person can break."
It is a most difficult road and I thank God for giving me the courage to go down a different road in life
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Hi morning cheetah, In regards to your quote "Remember: "Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and mental illnesses are passed on to other family members. It is a cycle that only a healthy person can break." So very often, we as children are born into life situations that can either make us or break us. More often than not, children of narcissistic parents have to learn coping skills that children born into "normal" non-dysfunctional families are never required to learn. I agree with you that this causes us to learn how to function in a dysfunctional way. Our boundaries are crossed each day, and we are treated as objects who are born to serve. I have no doubt that I was attracted to a narcissistic partner because it felt normal to me. After more than 20 years of therapy, I am much better able to cope than say 10 years ago. When you are born into a family with a mother with NPD, you are not at adulthood a healthy person who can break a cycle. It isn't that easy. It takes much work and learning. I feel that each day I take another step into living my own life instead of someone else's. It is not only a matter of knowing who you are and are not, it is much more complex than this. It is a matter of sorting through all the subliminal messages inbeded in the primal brain that were put there in our formative years. This takes years. I do believe though that we emerge stronger than ones who have never experienced this form of torture. Hopefully so anyway. I am happy for you that you are going down a different road in your life, and feel good about it. This is a major milestone for someone who has been a child or close relative with someone with NPD. Best wishes to you, Had
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"told that I'm a horrendous curse on her, I'm worthless, etc, etc... At the same time I thought I deserved it because if my own mother tells me what a horrid kid I was, it must be true. I wouldn't tell anyone, because if I was so bad I didn't want anyone to find out. " Dolly - I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth there! I had to go by Nmoms house the other day to borrow something and unfortunately my Dad wasnt in the house so she was able to make the nastiest remark to me. She said something to the effect of ..... if you could find/keep a man "maybe HE could support you". I asked her what she said cuz I was walking away and I didnt totally catch it. She commented back "oh never mind that was SILLY" .... SILLY????? WTH there was nothing silly about it, it was just plain belittling and sarcastic! She knows full well of my recent departure from the PsychoBoy and that I have NO interest in dating much less a bf or husband! I wanted to ring her neck so bad .. instead I just bit my tongue and quietly walked out! I havent talked to her since but she did call .... I answered her question by email. Thanks so much for sharing your stories ladies. Ive just discovered why i hate my mom so much in the past couple months. Its so nice to see Im not alone and Im not wrong either! I hope to be doing as well as you all are someday soon! WTHJH |
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Hi WTHjust happened, It sounds like you have made major steps in taking care of yourself. I read somewhere that when someone says something abusive to you, it is good to reply,
"I didn't hear you, what did you say?" I go by the "jade rule". Never justify, accept, defend or explain to an abusive person. Good luck to you! Had Enough |
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Love the Jade Rule!
I remember my N mother driving down the road with me.
Out of the blue, she got this haughty tone and said, "I forgive you for all the horrible things you did and said to me. All the things you put me through."
End of discussion.
I feel so much better. LOL
wolfies |
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| | | From: Kitcat08 | Sent: 30/10/2008 12:11 a.m. |
This reminds me of an email I recieved recently from a very Nsih friend. It was entitled "to my children". Was done to music so you'd get that feel good emotional aspect of it. And it was all about how children are suppose to treat their elderly parents because of all parents did for the kids when they were small. "Don't be impatient when food runs down my chin, remember all the times I wiped your butt when you were a baby". Wow, some kids really don't get a free ride at all! Mine do. My goal is to have happy healthy kids, who CHOOSE to do for me what and when they want because they love me. Not because they are being balckmailed. They could put me in a home and visit once a month, and if they were happy and doing good by thier own kids, that would be fine with me. My mother doesn't rmember spanking me, or putting me in a dark basement, or telling me all about the boogeyman and where he lives. She never screamed at me or called me names. She never took all my drawers out and dumped them on the floor because my room was messy. She was perfect. And even if she did some mean stuff, I deserved it. I have very limited contact with her. There are alot of times I can't be bothered with how crummy she tries to make me feel. But it's subtle....you can't really call her on it. It s the tone of voice or the subtle things she says that lets me know how I do not add up. I've always said that I would look at the way she trats her mother, and treat her the same. My Grma is 91 and going strong! other than breaking her hip and being kept down for that time, Grma is a wonder and will probably go peacefully in her sleep when the time comes. Well, Nmom has Nbro to keep her company. He is the Golden child, the one who never left who can do no wrong (lies cheats and steals, but we'll just sweep that under the rug) |
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You are right Kitcat, just look at how they treated their own parents. My nm put my father's mother into a nursing home the second she had a stroke, and took all her money. She wanted to put her nm in one too, however, my aunt kept her from doing that. Like you, I never want to be a burden to my children, and I would hope that they would do only what they wanted to do. My nm has a n bro prince who sits on the other side of God according to her. He is a sadistic narcissistic creep. Hugs, Had |
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