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For some reason I am suddenly focusing on (and feeling upset by) something I’ve always known but just wasn’t bothered by�?BR>
the fact that the n is re-working history, revising everything so he doesn’t look like the creep that he is.
We have no friends in common (the n has no friends) so I don’t have to worry about a “smear�?campaign. The only people in my life that he can tell his sick version of events to are my kids and they know what a liar he is. And I have never been one to much worry about what people might be saying about me “behind my back,�?especially if it’s to people I don’t know.
I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling awful about the fact that he is undoubtedly going around explaining what a great guy he was to stick with me so long even when he didn’t love me and I was so undeserving of his attentions. (I imagine this is what he tells people, leaving out, of course, the fact that the day I kicked him to the curb he told me I was the love of his life and he couldn’t imagine life without me.)
It was almost a year ago that I discovered the OWs, eight months ago that I told him to move out and seven months ago that he left. I have obsessed about so many other things but never fretted over the fact that his “version�?of events would inevitably cast me as some kind of deficient person.
Any advice on how to get over this?
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Thanks everyone.
After thinking about it some more (posting here really helps clarify my thoughts) I think maybe I'm still processing the residual effects of a 35-year-long coping mechanism: namely, that I told myself that "underneath/inside" he really was the person he claimed he was (and that he seemed to be during the initial idealization).
When I would complain that he didn't treat me like I was a top priority (or any kind of priority) he would insist that I was the #1 thing in his life. For various reasons (which I'm talking about with my therapist) I would convince myself that his words were true, even though his actions belied his words. (And he's super good with words, unless he's challenged, in which case his word-salads are amazing.)
So I think what may be going on is that I'm really completely letting go of (hopefully the last bit of) the lie I told myself for so long--that he cared, that he appreciated me, that he saw all the many things I did for us and for our family while he took care of himself and his needs and ambitions; that he somewhere deep down understood that I made everything possible for him . . .
I think maybe I have continued to hold onto the idea that some tiny part of him did/does understand what's good about me. And for some reason today I am confronting the truth in its totality.
Parenchyma--hey! do you work with Blind's stbxnh? It's funny, for my whole married life when I'd meet someone the n worked with they'd say (seemingly jokingly), "Wow. So you're the long-suffering woman who's married to this crazy person."
(goingnorth--the notion that there are some people who really know the n and might be rooting for me is touching, somehow. I always protected my family and my friends from the truth about the n, but the people he works with have, of course, seen evidence of his nuttiness.)
Anyway. Thanks, everyone. I really don't care in the least what nh's family, co-workers, girlfriends think about me. I am incredibly blessed in that I have children, extended family and a host of terrific friends who are the greatest cheering section I could possibly want.
I just have to completely internalize, accept and move on from the FACT that not only was I just one of many cars in his garage, he completely didn't/doesn't/won't ever realize I am a Ferrari!
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| P.S. jojo--your 2nd post cracked me up!!! |
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Blind, First, let me preface this with -- I am not trying to make myself out to be Superwoman or SuperGOOD woman, but . . . I literally SAVED that a$$hole's life. My circumstances aren't/weren't about starting off by building a life together, etc. It started off with . . . I literally SAVED HIS LIFE. I mean his physical, living, breathing body. I literally SAVED HIS LIFE. He repaid me with lies. He repaid me by using me. They have no soul. GN |
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Blind, You just have to know that is what they do. Mine has always completely re-written history. Things just never happened. Or my fault. The only parts he asknowledges is the aftermath. If I had any reaction at all to his mis-behaviors, I had a BAD problem. Completely skips over the cause and only remembers I was upset at him and for no reason. The day I went to the lawyer and filed for divorce he said he wouldn't tell anyone anything bad about me. HUH? He was projecting himself onto me. And really saying for me not to tell anyone anything bad about HIM. Anyone he tells anything to will just be his twisted version of reality. Always and forever. |
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GN
Let me first say, I do think that you, like so many people on this board, qualify as Superwoman.
Second. Wow. I had somehow missed in your story that you saved his life.
So you want to give me some advance advice on how I deal with the anger (if it should suddenly rise up in me) at having been the source/enabler of 99% of his success in life? |
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Get a punching bag, put a picture of his face on it.
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Hi Blind, Here's another tack to consider. Being the self-created, false entities that Ns are, cut off from their own God-given real selves, they have a very curious relationship to Truth. They are against it. Ns are compelled to create a counterfeit world in their "own image". In this world, their lies are the truth and the real Truth, God's Truth, does not exist. In fact, you could say that narcissists stand in opposition to God's Truth because it is the ultimate representation of something larger than themselves and, of course, there can't be anything like that. So when normal non-Ns finally understand this dynamic it makes us furious. It is very enraging to have to deal with this arrogant usurpation of the power to create reality that Ns try to wrest from the good Lord Himself. They really resemble that other big time LIAR who had trouble with God's power and truth-you know, satan. |
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Blind, Yes, anger does well up in me. And when it does, I hit the floor. I literally hit the floor, on my knees. I am a Christian. HIS word is to be counted on 24/7/365. If you are a Christian, you know the 23rd Psalm inside and out. Hit the floor and say it as often as you need to. Do this as often as you need to. That's how I do it. I can be carrying a load of laundry through the living room, and if I need to, I put the basket down and get on my knees. I find that if I verbalize when praying, rather than praying in my head, I can focus better.  GN |
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| LOL! The punching bag would be a nice companion to the housewarming present a friend gave me: a custom-made dart board with his picture in the center. Maybe I can create a little "game room" in my basement . . . |
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thanks, gn
I constantly need to remember to ask the Lord for help. To be humble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_34lZhEUvuM |
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| | From:  Kimkatie | Sent: 26/10/2008 4:55 p.m. |
Before the N walked out on me, he made sure all his family was on his side. They're pretty dysfunctional too but these were my inlaws for 14 years, my sons grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles. So he twisted everything, told total lies, made himself look like a saint for putting up with crazy me for all those years. All these people that were a part of my life now have nothing to do with me. They believe the N because they want to.
It hurts me that these people I have known so long think so little of me. I try to tell myself it's a reflection on their character, not mine but it still hurts. It really hurts they ignore my son who is their blood relative. The N no longer sees his son, so none of these relatives see him anymore either.
I hate that it bothers me. I should be glad to be free of these people. The N isn't much a family person, they don't see the N much anyway. I don't why they cared to side with him and wipe my son from their lives. It's not like the N tries to be part of their family either. He pops in now and then to show off his latest OW if he thinks she's worth envying by his brothers. I would love to get over caring that his dumb family believes all the lies the N told too. |
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Yes, the N has his whole family against me. I'm not too concerned with his N mother or his "swinging" sex addict father's opinions of me though........lol. The last year, I was drinking a lot to tune him out. I'm not blaming him for my actions, but, he used this DRUNK card to the max. I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm a controlling drunk crazy lady lol........ Here's the kicker. My own son, age 19, has been angry with me all of his life. His Dad abandoned him when we divorced. He took it all out on me. I've cried, told him how sorry I was, that I was not perfect, sat with counselors with him, told him I would do anything to make him feel better.............he still rejects me. When he lived with me and N, N would say your son is spoiled and disrespectful and you should not let him talk to you like that. I would always say I know, I just feel guilty and want things to be better. My son stayed in my home when I moved out because it's close to his work. In the meantime.......him and N are now best friends and my son is talking chit about me to everyone and praising N. I've been devastated, but, I'm not letting either of them know it. I honestly need advise from someone about the N dynamic with my son. Is there anything I can do to help my son forgive me and move past this? I know N is using my son........he barely spoke to my son during our 7 years.........I was unavailable emotionally for some time with the N and I think my son is mad about that as well. I was drained and was not what I should have been. How do I ever get over this? How do I not feel betrayed that my own son favors the N over me? I don't know if there's an answer for this one.........but, I do know the N is THRIVING off of this........he's sent nasty emails talking about what a horrible mother I am and you can only imagine.......... Thanks for the ear.......this has been the toughest part of the leaving the N.....losing my son in the process (age 20)... |
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Woops, son is 19, will be 20 next month....... |
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aphrodite:
the n-relationship is completely counter-intuitive for me. Before the n (back in the dark ages) the further away I got from a failed romance the easier it was to accept and "forgive" the former boyfriend for the hurts. With the nh what has happened is that the further I get out of the n-fog, the more despicable he seems to me. A year ago I would never, ever have thought of calling anyone "evil." And I still resist it . . . but the more I come to terms with the reality of him, the more I'm running out of accurate adjectives to describe him. Disordered just doesn't do it.
Kimkatie--do you ever wonder if your ex-inlaws glimpse the truth? Maybe they feel they have to be loyal to the n. But surely they have noticed that the n uses them, is not involved with them except when he's looking for admiration. Surely they have noticed that the n has abandoned his son. (There was nothing, after all, to prevent your n from keeping his son connected to the paternal relatives.) Maybe some of them at least, realize that he's toxic and have just decided it's safest not to get involved. I don't know what my ex-inlaws think, but I hope they're smart enough to know the n just uses them. When I think of the hundreds of times I had to pretend the n was not at home when one of his brothers called!!!
What:
It is just heart-breaking that your son is taking out his anger on you. I know at least one of my daughters is very angry with me--and she has a right to be. I made some awful mistakes as a parent, in part simply because I'm not perfect and in part because I was coping with dreadful abuse which I am only just now starting realize really adversely affected my parenting. (Also, because the n was pretty much an absent parent I was the one dealing with the kids 24/7, making all the decisions and all the mistakes.) Fortunately my daughter is smart enough to see her father's dreadful sickness and to understand that the dysfunction in our family was not all my doing.
I wish I had some advice for you. All you can do, I guess, is keep in mind that your son has some terrible hurt, that you love him, that you will wait and look for some chance to let him know that your love for him is unending. He's still young. Hopefully he will get to the stage where he realizes that no matter what terrible (unfair) things he had to deal with as a kid he's the only one who can fix the problems. (Though I sincerely hope it helps the "wounded child" to have a parent who accepts responsibility and says I'm sorry and is on his/her own journey of recovery.) |
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| | | From: dekauf | Sent: 28/10/2008 6:29 p.m. |
Dear Blind,
When my ndad smeared me, I was so devastated. Am receiving counseling
for it now. My Therapist has been gently leading me in the direction
of replacing those thoughts with more pleasant ones. It takes some
doing, let me say. We have also talked about "projection" that n's are
so famous for. It sounds like your ex has twisted it all around in his
head so he can face people, they always have to be the victim, I'm sure
you know. If my ndad had shot me, he would have made the world believe
that I just got in the way of the bullet, that it was my fault for
getting in the way. Yes, it hurts. That pain obliterates the good
things in the r/s. I can only say it is a minute by minute exercise to
get over this. Focus on the fact that he is not believable. My dad
could make people believe anything. Many of your friends probably knew
he was cheating before you did. They know what happened.
Diane in Ks
NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER wrote:
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New Message on NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER
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From: blindfor35years
Message 1 in Discussion
For some reason I am suddenly focusing on (and feeling upset by) something I’ve always known but just wasn’t bothered by—
the fact that the n is re-working history, revising everything so he doesn’t look like the creep that he is.
We have no friends in common (the n has no friends) so I don’t have to worry about a “smear” campaign. The only people in my life that he can tell his sick version of events to are my kids and they know what a liar he is. And I have never been one to much worry about what people might be saying about me “behind my back,” especially if it’s to people I don’t know.
I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling awful about the fact that he is undoubtedly going around explaining what a great guy he was to stick with me so long even when he didn’t love me and I was so undeserving of his attentions. (I imagine this is what he tells people, leaving out, of course, the fact that the day I kicked him to the curb he told me I was the love of his life and he couldn’t imagine life without me.)
It was almost a year ago that I discovered the OWs, eight months ago that I told him to move out and seven months ago that he left. I have obsessed about so many other things but never fretted over the fact that his “version” of events would inevitably cast me as some kind of deficient person.
Any advice on how to get over this?
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