Depending on how old your daughter is, April, I'd have her make him a home-made gift and leave everybody else out of it. 

 

You can get chocolate chip cookie dough at the grocery store.  It comes in tubs.  Have her spoon it out onto the cookie sheet and bake it.  No mess at all.  A spoon, a cookie sheet, a spatula.  Have her put 2 dozen in an old box you've got laying around.  Have her make his card.  If you don't have some old wrapping paper, get some cheap paper at the $1 store. 

 

I wouldn't even bother making arrangements for the XMIL or new GF to do anything.  If they take it upon themselves, cool. 

 

Otherwise, a tub of cookie dough for $5.  Let him $1.75 worth of it, you keep the rest, and that should take care of it, IMO.  That's as far as I would take it. 

 

 

Gloria

 

I have to deal with this in  the next few weeks as well. My DD is not going to see the N at all nor give N anything for his birthday. DD is a teenager and is taking psychology this semester where they just happen to be studying psychopaths and Ns. She is aware that her father is a N and really wants nothing to do with him. How old is your DD. I would just suggest that she make the N a card and leave it at that. It is not your responsibility to ensure that the N receives a gift from your DD.

 

Personally, I'd like to see him have nothing at all from your daughter, April. 

 

I'm only concerned about how your daughter is going to feel about being empty-handed on his b'day. 

 

Gloria

 

 

Gloria and Devil,

 

Thanks for the suggestions.  DD is almost 12 and very wise to his ways. When I asked her about going to dinner with him her first response was "No, am I going to be with you on your birthday? Dad would't let that happen if it was his time..."  She's got his # without the name.

 

A card sounds good and if she wants to do something more - just cookies then and as I write this she probably won't initiate anything b/c he wouldn't do it for me and she knows that.

 

Devil - How invloved was your DD with her Ndad before she wanted out? I see this coming eventually for my DD. Just curious? And how does he respond?

Thanks!

April

 

The N has had very little involvement with our DD over the course of our marriage. DD is now 16. I kicked the N to the curb when she was 15 and DD and I moved into a new home. I thought (malignant optimism) that N would come to his senses and spend more time with our DD once we moved. The N didn't want to commit to any type of visistation schedule with DD in our separation agreement and basically left it up to DD to see him when she wanted to (N's cowardly way of basically saying I will see you when I want). Over the course of the past year DD has seen N a handfull of times, at N's insistance. DD has come to realize that N really does not care whether she sees him or not and basically uses the analogy the she is "simply a doll that sits on a shelf and the N will dust the doll off once in a while and take it down and play with it only to put it back on the shelf again". I am grateful that N has very little to do with DD and I know it breaks her heart that he really doesn't seem to care about her at all.

Devil,

Thanks for sharing. My DD was 8 when I kicked the XNH out - she had avery rough go of it and we fought for 2.5 years about custody - we (me and DD) ended up where we wanted but I see that eventually even what we decided will be too much for her and I'll be taking  him back to court for a modification. 

 

I feel badly for your daughter but at least she is at an age where I hope she getting an understanding about him and that it helps her see it really has nothing to do with her.

 

And to have a Mom who gets it and probably loves her twice as much must be a big help to her!