Guess I'm the oddball in the group. If I get down about N's continuing post-divorce harrassment, I read any of this abnormal psychology stuff and immediately feel better.

 

After years and years of not being believed, I have confirmation. He has now been diagnosed by 2 separate psychologists after extensive tests and interviews, so it's not my imagination after all.

 

The pattern of people focusing on his wives' "self-esteem" issues has been broken. For the first time EVER, the focus is on him.

 

I've come close to going into law enforcement after seeing what can happen when the focus is taken off lecturing the targets about what is wrong with them and actually giving consequences to the N. I remember all those lonely years when I had to fight him completely by myself.

 

Reading about N's feels good.

Yup.....fatigue galore.  And this site is draining too.....I think it is because we recognize ourselves in the roles (drain), know we have to get out and away(drain), beat ourselves over the head(drain again) and then continue to beat oneself over the head(drain)...on and on.  Endless drama, endless recognition and I think the comment that the N keeps us from being what we want to be is RIGHT ON!  Talk about the endless battle!

 

You guys are great......I am going to bed. I am drained.  Love ya.

Mbme stated pretty much what I would have said.

Yes, I feel fatigued.

 

I compare this to a physical injury.  If your body is injured, you need rest.  Hurt yourself bad enough and you're going to sleep alot.   

 

Our hearts and minds have been injured by the N. 

 

Opening the wound to clean it, as we try to do here at this site, can be draining. 

 

And if we sat in an ER long enough, watching other people have their wounds opened, that would drain us too. 

 

I think that's why some of us get tired when we read here. 

 

The other thing:  If you get a good dose of righteous anger on behalf of someone else, or if you are overcome by an overwhelming sadness for the sake of someone else, or fear for someone else -- it will drain you.  I was fried yesterday when I read a post that said the XNBF said that now that the victim is better-adjusted, he wanted to give it another.  I actually jumped up from the computer and walked away, very quickly.  I was angry!  Seriously angry. 

 

Those feelings will drain a person. 

 

I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing.  Because we're learning here. 

 

Gloria

 

 

Wildwon,

 

You're so nice. I don't know if I have a worse N than usual or what. He is a wealthy pillar of the community Christian leader type, and he has so many supporters. The lady at the women's shelter I was going to go to almost yelled at me NOT to come and not to even file for a legal separation because I would lose my kids. That kept me down for several more years.

 

But when I finally got out, all of the lawyers I talked to said they had never seen anyone like me lose their kids. I was a stay-at-home mom with no skeletons in my closet, no history of mental illness, no addictions or history of addictions, etc. And the lawyers were right. The XNH hasn't been able to hurt me at all. I've often wondered what possessed this woman to scare me so. She did go to the same church, and I can only assume she heard the smear campaign (which I was totally unaware of at the time) and really thought I had problems.

 

(Anyone else considering going to a shelter, don't let this scare you. I think this was a special case. I'm just trying to point out how hard it is for some of us to leave.)

 

I've had to learn to protect myself, my car, my house, my pets. I've dealt with the tampering with my identity, forgery, anonymous letters wishing me a speedy recovery (from what??), etc. I've been divorced for more than 5 years, and he's remarried, and yet this stuff is just now tapering off (I hope). He's kept me in court since the divorce, but it looks like I've won, although everyone involved predicts he will start some new action within six months. The normal "being assertive" is not enough in dealing with him!!

 

I won't go into the abuse, the porn, the adultery.

 

He is still a very successful religious leader. I think very few people know about this other side of him. I do believe he is a criminal who hasn't been caught. Learning about N's and the legal system and concrete things to do to protect myself has helped me more than all the self-esteem counseling in the world.

 

The psychologist who diagnosed him commented that he thinks I am the only person who has stood up to him in his life who he hasn't been able to get out of his life. (We have kids together). That was hardly comforting. (Normally he drops anyone who confronts him, and smears them, and they leave the church, which is his arena.)

 

I have a new career also - not helping N targets, but I would like to volunteer along those lines when my last child turns 18. I admire you for doing that.

 

I'll probaly delete this at some point.

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Flying

 

No, because I'm not in the middle of the insanity anymore.

 

I read it, think "yep, that's him alright!!" and thank god I don't have to deal with his self-absorbed dramas every day of the year anymore.  Then I get back to my life.

 

I do try to keep myself educated about Nism for our children's benefit...since they will have to deal with his BS probably forever.  They do not know anything about it, but if they do start to show signs of stress after being with him I want to be able to get them into therapy, so that they can learn to cope with his negative behaviors. For me, however, there is a detachment which is very satisfying.  He doesn't drag ME down anymore because I refuse to let him have that kind of impact on my life. 

 

BTW that detachment comes with time, and I mean years of it.  The more physical distance you have the better, too. 

Please don't delete it, Flying. 

 

I'm not one of those "misery loves company" types. 

 

It's helpful to me, though, to know that my XNBF isn't the only pseudo-Christian running around out there. 

 

It isn't that it makes me feel better. 

 

But it helps me to remember:  BE CAREFUL.  Especially if they claim Christ. 

 

Gloria