Hell Yeah!! If anyone is with a N, Get out! I did and now I am married to a Wonderful man ...I wish I would have left sooner

What is the N really, truly, in his core didn't want to be this way anymore?

 

Is there no hope for him?  Honestly, have any of you been with someone that wanted to change so badly and actually did?

 

I just joined this forum, and I'm very conflicted.  I truly honestly want to change and I keep reading "leave him leave him leave him".  Is there no other option?  Am I doomed to be this piece of shit (can I swear?) for the rest of my life?

 

I'm laid bare here.  No bullshit, no games.  I hate this person I've become and want to be the man I am when I am trying to make up to my wife, but permanently.

 

Have you known any N to change?

After reading a discussion on this topic from the general board, I have to say that my attitude has changed.  I don't think an N would ever surrender to the 12 steps and a Higher Power, so I don't think there's any chance of an N changing. 

 

this makes me sad because I always believed there was hope in the 12 steps.  And there is for normal people who can put them to work.  The N thinks (s)he is God, and would never be able to surrender his whole life to God and the 12 steps.  I get it now.

 

That doesn't mean AA and the steps failed.  It means the N failed to do his part.

Dear EgodiligoV,

First you are not a piece of shit

Please don't shame yourself , Shame is one of the very toxic methods that allows for this to develop in the first place.

I have lived with my N for 21 yrs.

His mother , my mother as well as my father are N's and those left in the families  are IN's ... We are both abusers as well as victims..

The Intention of most N's differs considerably to what actually manifests.  My direct experience of

I have been reading extensively and from what I'm able to see is that sheer contradiction , trapped , confused state that you suffer is unimaginable. This by no means negates the enourmous pain that we the woman in your life experience ..

 You did not choose this ! This very sad reality is directly due to the Lack of Genuine Love and Value of Life . America truly has become the nation of narcissistic brats.. 

The whole core behind what  the reality we are living is the fact that people are emotionally stunted and this  is pervasive .

It's  destroying insidiously the very heart of individuals in such a subtle fashion .The process of Soul rape of innocent children by their mothers , fathers or caregivers ect..who were taught parasitic Love leaving only hunger and in desperation go on to get their needs met along with being only able to relate ,in a  twisted dysfunctional form of what they think is Loving the child .The malicious realtiy is that this is truly done unaware ..The dynamic in the american family has gotten so disconnected from the reality of what constitutes healthy interaction that many will read this and have no clue to what I'm saying.

 

 

We need not fear our demise coming from a foreign source

America will indeed fall from within...

L 

How can an "N" change when they don't think they have the problem?

 

My Nsis thinks everyone else has the problem not her.

 

From my experience with her I know she will not change. If she feels there is nothing wrong with her why would she go for help?

 

My cousins wife I'm guessing is also an "N" and my aunt went to her and told her she has a problem and needs help. Her response was "no you have the problem not me....you need the help!"

 

I feel N's don't see what they are like so will never change.

Maus, I've changed my mind on that too!  True Ns will never surrender.  Those that do, can't be N, right?  I agree with the original post.   Ns are a hopeless bunch.  Not all alcoholics are Ns.    And there are Ns in AA who have gotten sober, but still act like jerks. 

 

I was really holding out hope, I guess.  Thought I had it figured out.    A few of them in program probably snowed me, and I thought the 12 steps could work miracles.  And they CAN, but not on an N. 

WyattLilly4, I could have written your post 8 years ago.    So much of it is similar.

 

To give you hope, I have my second husband, a wonderful man who really loves me.  He SHOWS it more than he says it, tho.  Something I had to get used to, having always been told but never showed before. 

 

We just bought our first house, and I don't have have to work right now.  I get to stay home, raise our 4 yr old and we just got a puppy for her.    This is my dream come true.  The fantasy I never thought would happen.    I never have to pay for this man's mistakes.  He figures it out on his own. 

 

Life gets a whole lot easier when you lose the loser. 

 

I was about your age when I left, I'm 45 now.  My ex was turning 39.  He fianlly grew into his looks.  Some men look really great in their 40's.  He found a woman who's wealthy father bought her a home.  All his money is HIS now.  He gets to work at his lesiure and play when he wants.  And our son chooses to live with his father, because my life has always been harder.  I've always worked full time until 3 months ago.  I expected my son to pull some of his weight and help out.  With Dad and girlfriend, no chores!  What teen wouldn't choose that?  And now Dad can help him buy a car, and I'm still putting my life toegether.  All Dad's money is "fun" money.  All my money is budgetted. 

 

I was so happy when he established this relationship.  She's nice to my son.  His other choices were really horrible.    He wasn't picky when looking for his meal ticket in the beginning.  He got smarter after I legally took my son out of the girlfriends home, and he had to go homeless if he wanted to see our son. 

 

Thanks for your post.  It's good to remember. 

I just KNEW my 87 yo "N" father would change after the sudden and unexpected death of my dear Mom on 1/25/06.

 

NOPE!  He just becomes more EVIL with every passing day and this is a man that goes to church EVERY Sunday.

 

Take care and be God's!