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All Message Boards : can't help thinking about N & OW being happy together
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 Message 1 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname___HearMeRoar1___  (Original Message)Sent: 31/10/2008 3:16 p.m.
If I could say one particular thing more than anything has me stuck, it is this.  I can't help but think N was only crappy to me and those before me, and now he's found the love of his life and he's just happy & sweet & he's completely different with her.  I absolutely hate the thought of him (and her)  living happily ever after, after all the sadness & anger he has caused me.   I have read "You Think You're So Special," but quite frankly, I'm just not believing it in this case.  And I don't know why I can't make myself believe that.  Help, I don't want to stew in this anymore.


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 Message 53 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamedevarenz7Sent: 2/11/2008 2:13 p.m.
Perfect timing on your posting.  After a 14 yr relationship (13 yrs of marriage) and 2 kids, I left 10 months ago.  I was sleeping on the couches around the house (including the UNfinished basement) and I felt FREE on those nights.  He always puffed himself up in public, put me down, walked 10 feet behind or in front.  When I was pregnant, she said I was disgusting.  He ruined my pregnancies in terms of what should have been a loving, supportive and nurturing time for us.
Background:  I found out years ago he tore up any and all childhood pics of himself.  Said he was ugly.  2 years ago he took $5,000 from our savings to get hair transplants.  Said the Army would not promote a balding soldier (what an ass).  On the weekends (Fridays) while everyone else is saying, TGIF, he was verbalizing by Sat. morning that he had to go to work on Monday morning.  Never let himself experience any kind of joy - EVER.   Our kids suffered.  Years ago, I used to have to take money from our daughters' piggy bank for more milk and bread while he complained when I asked him for more $ to get more.  We had a nice single family home.  He is SICK and refuses to let himself experience any joy.
I have a new man in my life.  He is the exact opposite of what xN is.  Its been a year and I only cry on the nights when I realize that I could have had a man like him years ago.  (I am now in my 40's).  The new man in my life aches at that thought too.  We are perfect together.  But we both know that if we had met years ago, we would not have our kids that we have now.  So we are so very thankful for that we met at all.  We are going to live a very happy 35 years together.
This weekend my xN slyly mentioned a get together in his new neighborhood which included a young woman (of course, he threw in the comment that she was petite and young), father is a colonel and she is CPA. 
I must say that I felt momentarily inadequate.  I never went to college.  I was a exec. secretary for 20 years until Sept. 11th 2001.  Quit my job so he could fulfill his committment to the military for 2 deployments.  I chopped down trees, painted 20 ft. foyers to save money.  Cried in the middle of the night because I thought I was going to get "the knock on the door" from the Army.  I fought school systems because they didn't understand children DO cry for their abscent parents at night because they are at war, and then show up at school TIRED & UPSET. 
I have successfully sold and carefully purchased 3 homes while he was gone.  Moved our family all by myself.  I lied to neighbors in order to make us seem "perfect".  
He sucks the air out of the room. 
I was relieved to hear that there may be a woman in his life.  But don't think that the OW is going to cure all the above, and all of your stuff.  These women are going to live a very uncomfortable life.  Yours is OVER.  You are FREE.  Let go of the rest.  I swear to you, someday you will meet a new partner that will make you cry when you think about the time that you could have had.  But don't go there, please.  Just thank God everyday that you chose LIFE, JOY, TRUE LOVE.  The love of yourself and your new partner.
 
 

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 Message 54 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nickname____1New1Strength1____Sent: 2/11/2008 4:50 p.m.
HMR, while reading about Borderline Personality Disorder just now, I noticed that it said BPD's (and other closely-related personality disorders) move between idealization and devaluation of their partners.

Reply
 Message 55 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamegoingnorth2Sent: 2/11/2008 5:14 p.m.
This sounds nutty, I know. 
 
Sometimes I think that if the xnbf had had an OW, it would have been better. 
 
At least there would have been some excitement.  Something to think about. 
 
But no. 
 
It was just him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, his needs, him, him, him, him. 
 
 
 
GN
 
 

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 Message 56 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameRarinRP2Sent: 2/11/2008 6:03 p.m.
The best saying I heard about a N and the other woman - "if you want to know what the road is up ahead - ask those coming back."

They just want you to think it was you..Every woman in the end with an N - meet the same fate -lies and betrayal - No woman no matter how seemingly perfect - can fix what they have wrong within themselves. N is not a temporary disorder!

Reply
 Message 57 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamebarmor12Sent: 3/11/2008 1:03 a.m.
i just made a similar post and am going through the exact same thing. i see many of the replies (2-41) ae missing...

where did they go? i need as much reassurance as possible right now. i am right there with you HMR.

Reply
 Message 58 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamegoingnorth2Sent: 3/11/2008 1:07 a.m.
Barmor,
 
Click on previous, below, to catch the missing posts. 
 
That happened to me too.  :-)
 
GN

Reply
 Message 59 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamelaxmama1Sent: 3/11/2008 2:47 a.m.
The hardest part of my breakup has been dealing with the fact that the exn got married within 6 months of leaving me. We never got married (even though I wanted to) because he had been married twice before and just didn't want to do it again.

When I look back at his previous history it helps me to understand that history will keep repeating itself for him. He was married very young the first time at about age 20 and went from living with his parents to being married and living with his wife. He was with her for almost 14 years and left her when their kids were just 3 & 5 yo because she was making decisions without consulting him.

He met # 2 while #2 was still married and he had just separated from his wife. They had sex on their first date in his car. She was the love of his life. He married her after living together for 3 years and they split up 3 years later because she was cheating on him. He kicked her out and I met him about a month later. We dated for a couple of months then decided to be exclusive and couple of months later.

He obviously cannot be alone. He met the woman he is now married to about 2 months after leaving me and married her a within a couple of months. He is now in the process of buying a house and it is very hard for me to accept the whole "happily ever after" he appears to be heading for when I am feeling like he used me up and spit me out.

But, his personality has not changed and he will continue in the same pattern he established many years ago. This N is particularly good at hiding his true nature. He is an expert at controlling himself and rarely, if ever exhibited some of the more extreme behaviors described here. That has made it even harder to recognize him for what he is. At some point though in this new relationship he will not be able to keep it all in and things will start to fall apart.

N's are incapable of compassion and empathy. They never put someone else's needs before there own. My definition of love is putting aside your own feelings and needs for someone else. So, my relationship with N would never have worked. That is what I think about whenever I feel bad.

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 Message 60 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamefreediamond27Sent: 3/11/2008 6:07 a.m.
I was also distraught that my N was with OW he even married her, I was gutted but 12 months down the track he is not happy and she doesnt know what A'hole he really is. He has tried to be in contact with me over the last two years. Every three months he tries to get my attention. I just ignore him. He would play up on her just as he did to me. She doesn't have it any better than I did. But I realised I am not missing out I am free of all the indecent behaviour, lies, degredation and all the rest. She still has to put up with him and he will throw her out of his life just like he did me and then cry poor me and try to recycle the last ex he had before her, which by the way was me. I wouldn't have him back if he was the last man on the planet. Just be greatful that he is off the street and can't ruin anyone else's life or yours. Get out have fun read books and grow learn and be grateful that you are free of him.. It really is better away from them once you believe it.

Reply
 Message 61 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamewildwon59Sent: 3/11/2008 6:23 a.m.
It runs in three month cycles for me too. It would have been one around now. That is probably why he order pizza where by daughter is the delivery driver. So he can do his con job to her and get information about me. She is smarter than than. Thank God

Reply
 Message 62 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknamejetchettSent: 4/11/2008 4:59 a.m.
Don't believe for a minute that he isn't treating her the same way.  I gave the jerk 31 years....my youth...and another year spent  listening to #2 cry to me about the same things I lived with...even tried to help her get out, but he's hosed her too badly.  I know for a fact that they treat #2 (and any others that follow) the same way they treated #1.  I learned that the hard way, again, on my second marriage to one when #1's family warned me and told me about all their sister/daughter/aunt suffered during her marriage to him. He is not capable of it....with you....or with anyone. 
 

Reply
 Message 63 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN Nicknamerebeca-40sSent: 4/11/2008 9:41 p.m.
Laxmana!! My goodness me!!! Your story is identical to mine!! Read this about mine!

He met wife nº1 on their 20s, had 2 children and dropped her after 13 years marriage because “she did not respect me, and I was nobody in my own house with that crazy woman�? to go with number 2, moved her into a new house in less than a month and lived with her for 3 years, dropped her because “she was cheating on me and was inconsiderate and selfish. She only wanted my money and status�?BR>One month later dragged me into his web…he entered in my life and took control of my whole life in no time. He put himself right in the centre of my world and everything moved around him…wanted me to move into his house in a week!! (Cannot live alone) But this I could not do because it was too much for me!! I thought and said there was no need to hurry things even more (only moment of wisdom I had in the whole year I was with him) so…he changed me in a week I went away to visit my mother for number 4 who moved to live with him in less than a month !!, Yes..I felt he had used me and spit me out!!!

To everybody else, they are fine and together. Only us know the true nature of these creatures�?.FAKE FAKE FAKE

Reply
 Message 64 of 69 in Discussion 
From: chattymitchieSent: 4/11/2008 9:55 p.m.
I'm just adding this in here to prove the point I guess!
 
xN met his first wife whilst he was in the navy - they only spent a total of 6 weeks in each other's company before he asked her to marry him.  They spent 12 years together.  Then he came out of that relationship and dated most women round here by the sounds of it.  Then the next relationship he had lasted two years and she went off with his best mate after complaining he was aggressive and that he scared her.  Then he dragged me into his insane little world, bought a house together after 2 months, but only managed 18 months before I thought enough is enough and called the police.  They all seem the same.  The first relationship seems to last the longest.  Then as they grow older they must get worse I guess and their relationships get shorter and more tempestuous. 
 
It must be crazy being them.  I mean I look at the xN.  He's still living in the same small town as me.  He has cut off anyone who would question him about his behaviour.  He still believes in his weird twisted way that he did nothing wrong.  How will he move on from here??  We have all the same mutual friends, a lot of who know what he did, or will have heard rumours.  He can't exactly show up with a new gf in front of me because he's knows I would try to warn them.  How do they deal with the devastation they leave behind? 
 
This time he knows it's not all just going to go away like before. 

Reply
 Message 65 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameAJRitzSent: 19/11/2008 1:43 a.m.
It has been almost two years and I still think about it.  This is OW #6 or so of my exNH and I still think that sometimes... oh they look so happy, this is the one... he will treat her so much better than me... and then I think, his true colors will come out eventually, he will have someone else soon.

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The number of members that recommended this message. 0 recommendations  Message 66 of 69 in Discussion 
Sent: 29/11/2008 9:32 p.m.
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 Message 67 of 69 in Discussion 
From: XtraMSN NicknameisavedusSent: 29/11/2008 9:34 p.m.
 
Hi Friends,
 
I just wanted to share real quick.  I  remember thinking the way you are thinking right now.  Trust me and and the rest of us "HE WILL NOT MAKE THE OW OR ANY OTHER WOMAN HAPPY" thats because "HE CANT - HE LACKS THE CAPACITY"  if they appear "HAPPY" at the moment, be assured, its only temporary, I promise you that. He cant keep up the charade for very long! Ns hate happy people!  If OW seems happy now, you just sit back and watch how he will fix that little problem because thats what Ns do! They are never happy until they make the ones closest to them UNHAPPY.  You sit tight love, and watch the OWs world get turned upside down. OH YES! Its gonna happen so dont you worry your pretty little head about it. 
 
Love,
isa

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